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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

am pregant again after a termination for downs

341 replies

busierbee · 14/03/2009 20:51

I traumatically and sadly had a pregnancy with a downs baby last year. I am 42. I am pregnant again - ten weeks - and consumed with fear and anxiety. Although there is no genetic basis for downs, the risk of having another downs pregnancy is higher than for a woman who has not. Am having a cvs in two weeks. Has anyone been or is anyone in this situation? need a friend

OP posts:
linspins · 08/04/2009 08:06

Spiderpig,
There is raw grief and anger with life pouring from your first posting, and that's not surprising given your recent heartbreaking loss - and that kind of terrible feeling makes people write stuff out of character. And you have had the courage to apologise to Busierbee. Maybe you could retract the post?
I am sure you've been given this info but if not: Do you know about SANDS? (Stillbirth and neonatal death society). They are there for you, and have a great internet forum, which I am sure would be a better place to vent your emotions and rock your aching heart. They also run local support groups, of which I have been to and were a great help to me. Ignore all this if you've heard it.
Don't torture yourself on threads like this, they aren't good for you. You need your own support, and I really do feel for you. I am so so sorry for the loss of your little one. Please take care.

justaboutback · 08/04/2009 08:16

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Original poster
busierbee · 08/04/2009 08:37

Oh dear, not feeling all that good now.

OP posts:
Original poster
busierbee · 08/04/2009 08:51

Okay - deep breaths - I understand Spiderpig - i do. And I too am drawn to read threads about women who are still pregnant, all sorts of issues that are no longer relevant. Your pain must be enormous - truly.
It is about coping. I am not coping well. So I pour out here and the responses of the ladies helps me not to feel so alone. I hope to God you have the same thing somewhere - I hope someone is helping you.
I do feel guilt, terribly so, and crippling anxiety and need constant reassurance and comfort and love. I guess this is my thread and my way of getting through a trauma. Maybe grief is the wrong word. The word does not matter in the end. The feelings do.
Please do not beat yourself up - we all understand. Try and get someone to take care of you dear girl. Unimaginable sadness for you.
We are here if you want - but maybe not right people for you right now.
Is all hard. For all of us and I am sorry.

OP posts:
barbie1 · 08/04/2009 08:52

busierbee please do not feel awful, you are more than intitled to your grieve. Im sure if spiderpig had thought more about her post before posting you would never had to of seen it. Grieve is a powerful, uncontrolable emotion which sadly engulfs us and causes us to react out in anger sometimes. It wasnt meant to hurt you, i just think she needed to vent and unfortunatly choose the wrong thread in which to do so.

Keep strong, keep dreaming and keep loving those around you xxx

Original poster
busierbee · 08/04/2009 08:54

Thank you barbie1 -am worrying about her. I know the mad place. Do you think we could try and find her on the site and send her a message in case she does not look here? She must feel worse.
God.

OP posts:
barbie1 · 08/04/2009 08:58

i know what you mean, ill google her and see what i can find, we cant CAT her as i have already tried. i let you know once i find her, we can reach out to her together...

DawnAS · 08/04/2009 08:59

Dear Busierbee,

I have followed your thread from the beginning and have been totally in awe of your strength throughout this horrendous ordeal. I haven't posted before because I hadn't wanted to intrude on such an emotional issue that has touched you and many others, so heartbreakingly.

I don't profess to know what you're going through as I only had a high-risk for Downs, which turned out to be Ok, but initially I came on here to offer support through our good result, but I was already too late as you had received your devestating news.

You have so much support on here that I don't need to say much, other than, I am astounded by your strength, your love for your family, your compassion for others in similar situations, whether they make the same decision or not and your pure selflessness.

You are a very special person and I think that even though you are suffering the most unbearable heartache and pain right now, this thread may well help many others in times to come, to cope with tragedies like these.

I wish you future peace within yourself and hope that one day, you will have another baby that you and your DP so richly deserve.

Please look after yourself. I will continue to look in from time to time to see how you're doing, but won't post. I just wanted to express my feelings for you, even though I don't know you.

I will think of you often and wish you all the love and luck in the world that you get through this and move forward.

xxxxx

Tobermory · 08/04/2009 08:59

busierbee, have just found and read your thread - what a roller coaster of emotions you have had. I do not have any experience of this or much in the way of helpful insights to share with you but didn't want to leave without acknowledging your pain. I am so very sorry for your loss and the dark place you find yourself in now. Life sounds like it has been very hard for you.
Take care of yourself and your OH, be kind to each other. I hope that you see the sun, even if its just a glimmer, again soon.
x

barbie1 · 08/04/2009 09:04

i have found her...she posted yesterday on another thread.
here

Original poster
busierbee · 08/04/2009 09:05

Thank you dear new posters - I am not sure am selfless really at all. Had big meltdown with DP last night, totally lost the power of words, a quivering hysterical mess. And yet of course he is suffering too and needs comfort - yet does not show it or ask for it. In end he did release some sadness and we recovered. But was so wobbly - could not sleep with anxious racing heart and feeling how could he love me when am such a wreck? Poor man. Yes dark place and will get through it but at moment have doubts that i will do so in one piece or without ending up in the funny farm

OP posts:
Tobermory · 08/04/2009 09:08

Have you been able to share that with him?
You are so eloquent on here and express yourself and your feelings so well, do you do the same with him?

Original poster
busierbee · 08/04/2009 09:08

Oh dear Barbie - now feeling much much worse. Was that just a vicious attack or is has she lost a baby? Feel sick and shaky. Not sure can do this anymore.

OP posts:
spiderpig · 08/04/2009 09:09

Busierbee

I am so sorry you saw my post, I asked for it to be deleted and I hoped so much it would be before you saw it

I just cannot apologise enough, I couldn't sleep last night for guilt and shame

You don't need me to tell you this, but your feelings are valid and real and I am so sorry for the pain that you're in

I will step away now, but I wish you nothing but happiness for the future and I hope your poor broken heart begins to heal soon

Original poster
busierbee · 08/04/2009 09:10

yes Tobermory -have tried - he knows me and my demons. Am a bit in shock again by that posting. Guess should forget it. The problem with MN is that I forget the whole word can read it and they are entitled to their opinions but boy can be brutal.

OP posts:
spiderpig · 08/04/2009 09:13

Sorry I will step away after this......

I have recently lost my poor little baby boy who was stillborn

I have only recetly returned to mumsnet, and I am pg again and terrified and I think on the verge of a breakdown

and none of that is an excuse and I'm sorrier than you'll ever know

I will be leaving mumsnet and returning perhaps when I'm stronger, it was too soon for me to be here.....

barbie1 · 08/04/2009 09:14

busierbee, i have read all of this post this morning through the tears that were falling. You are not selfish. My first pregnancy ended in mmc at 12 weeks, that was in september, should of given birth yesterday That however isnt the point, was is however is the fact I still have big meltdowns, im angry, jealous, hateful and wobbly....you have been through much bigger things than me so you are entitled to still be raw. The good news is i have more sunny days now....it will come to you too.
Men grieve differently, i was hurt when dh didnt cry and scream with me, when he forgot what the date meant to me yesterday....but i know he hurts too, its the pained look he gets in his eyes when people mention children...you wouldnt notice, but i do.
I found the sobbing, snotty late night talks help...if only to be held when i fall asleep with him whispering in my ear that he loves me regardless of children

Original poster
busierbee · 08/04/2009 09:16

OH Spiderpig - you poor girl. It can be very scary and brutal if you are not ready. Please get some support - no one judges you. Lots of us feel on the edge of a breakdown - clamber up bit by bit. Am so glad for you that you are pregnant - but you must be terrified. They will look after you very very carefully am sure. Hold on tight.
Do not feel bad - everyone here understands the pain -particularly on this thread. It's okay. Boy what a start to the day for you and for me. Let's shake hands and wish each other well .

Goodbye and Good good luck

OP posts:
Original poster
busierbee · 08/04/2009 09:19

Oh Barbie - poor girl. That is exactly what i want him to do too. Last night after the meltdown he held me- as we nodded off i said I loved him. He did not reply! Spent whole night crying, in anxious state, and wanted to wake him and ask him 'am i disgusting? Is my wreckedness selfish?' I love you means so much.
Golly well done for getting through yesterday. My first one would have been due on 2nd May.

OP posts:
barbie1 · 08/04/2009 09:28

busierbee i took 6 months to get to this stage, so dont worry he loves you...men have never had a way with words. I asked my dh why he stayed away from me in the early days, his reply was because he was hurting and didnt know what to say without making things worse.
I read somewhere once, that a lady has a baby from the moment she spies the second line on the test, we dream, we hope, we pray and we bond. Men however only have a baby once they hold it in there arms. This is why sometimes they can't connect with us in our grieve. Your dp is probably hurting because for once he cant be the 'man'...the one who makes everything better by a flash of the credit card, the one who is always so strong, the one that usually provides for you. Maybe he feels he has let you down but cant share this for fear of looking weak?
Give him time, he will come around...

justaboutback · 08/04/2009 09:30

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Original poster
busierbee · 08/04/2009 09:37

Spiderpig -we are all inviting you to stay my dear - the only thing you post did was indicate how very troubled and sad you are and most of us here are the same at times. We can hold your hand through it if you will let us. Please do not wander off into the day feeling ashamed.
What you have endured is beyond imagination. Do get some comfort and understanding from those who have been there - here or SANDS or wherever you feel best supported. It is beyond bearable sometimes.
With support and total understanding
BB

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FioFio · 08/04/2009 10:02

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Original poster
busierbee · 08/04/2009 10:09

But as far as am aware I have not made a comparison to stillbirth - apart from referencing the article in the observer and that was latching on to pain and sorrow. It was never a comparison. And there is no arguement here. Nor am i asking for one. I thought the whole point of mn was as a forum and outlet for joy, sadness, pain. Not to cast judgement. Enough. Enough now.

OP posts:
ilovemydogandMrObama · 08/04/2009 10:14

Hi Busier -- what are you doing today? DP just took the dogs out for a walk and took DD with him as I'm trying, emphasis on trying, to get a presentation done today for an interview tomorrow...

My mom always would say that when faced with the unusual, do the usual. If the world is caving in, doing the day to day stuff can be helpful.

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