am pregant again after a termination for downs

[busierbee]

I traumatically and sadly had a pregnancy with a downs baby last year. I am 42. I am pregnant again - ten weeks - and consumed with fear and anxiety. Although there is no genetic basis for downs, the risk of having another downs pregnancy is higher than for a woman who has not. Am having a cvs in two weeks. Has anyone been or is anyone in this situation? need a friend

Hello ilovemydog
Mostly on here and not really sure should be anymore. I can not do the debating moral issue thing anymore- people getting upset and never wanted that but is my own fault for posting in the first place. Do not think and have never thought there is a scale of misery. Was just posting my own as it helped to get it out - now not so sure is helping. But thank you, and yes time to go back to the real world.
Good luck with interview - be brave
xx

So i have looked through Fiofio and can not see the comparison throughout the thread to stillbirth - i just cannot. When I talked about the Observer article i was making a connection to her comment that - joy being an antidote to sadness. Have always been aware that I chose to end the baby's life. Surely you can see that? So sad that we have to fight for a right to be sad.

Unfortuantly due to being an 'open forum' you will get people who feel the need to disagree or to make a statment. Ignore. Take light from all the other posters who have offered you so much support and love over the last few weeks, they are the ones who will help you through and will not judge you and your beliefs.

At the end of the day, you know you have a right to be sad, concentrate on you and not the posters who upset you.

Wishing you all the best in the future x

I suspect fio was just watching out for spiderpig and wanting her to know her comments were an entirely normal way to feel. It's awful feeling you have said something wrong and mean when you've just said something that anyone else in that situation would feel.

I don't see fio's post as being judgemental about anyone's decisions, there's nothing judgmental in her post at all just a message to spiderpig not to be hard on herself. And really this probably isn't the right thread for spiderpig to grieve on because it is different. But spiderpig certainly shouldn't feel guilty for being unable to grieve on here.

Exactly last poster - i totally understand her grief and is not the same and of course she should not feel guilty for not wanting to share on here - of course. But is not true to say that have made constant comparison to stillbirth - so now i am feeling bad if it has been perceived that i have. And as you say; is truly horrid to feel one has upset someone.
Can we please stop now? Why must someone be blamed at all? Makes no sense to me. I do not blame spiderpig - god i reach out to her. So now do not need to feel badly myself and yes i do feel wrongly judged if you feel am comparing my sadness at my own decision to the true loss of a baby. I never ever meant to do that. Why must there be blame and guilt between us when we have enough of our own?

Busier...see you at my place!! xxx

Hi Busier,

A lot has happened since you first started this thread, but whatever makes you feel better.

DS has recently been in hospital, and my way of dealing with it is to just cope and not communicate with my friends who make generous offers to help. Plus, I find it really difficult to be around their thriving healthy babies.

People deal with grief and being upset in different ways.

Have you told any RL friends? Are they being supportive or is it all still too raw?

Hi all,
another day has almost passed...
Quite a few lows today, organising Daisy's service, but I think we have got things sorted. My dd has been fun today which helps me connect to reality!
BusierBee, hope you found a little peace and quiet somewhere today, and had a bit of sunshine. I took Ilovemydog's advice about 'doing the usual', and had 3 little girls out in the garden fighting over whose turn it is to play with the pram. It helped the afternoon to pass, especially after the surreal phone call I had to make at lunchtime to discuss the details of my baby's cremation. I find it difficult to switch from such intense thoughts and feelings, to explaining mundane things like how to take turns on the slide, but then that is life, and I wouldn't miss a minute of my dd playing. She has such a vibrancy.
I am off out tonight...I sort of don't feel like it, but am forcing myself to go out with a few friends for a meal. More connecting with RL.
Bee, maybe speak to you soon? You and DP will weather this storm together. There is that (rather irritating but a little true) saying 'what doesn't break you makes you stronger' - I wish I could wrap you both in a huge cashmere blanket and cuddle you both.
Take care all, Love Lins xx

lovely ladies
Thank you Lins and ilovemydogs and barbie and justaboutback and tree if you are there and babyblue
This morning rather busy for a bee- but it did make me think. And it did make me consider the use of words.
So ilovemydogs am sorry to hear wee one been poorly - how are things now and are you chatty about it? My middle one used to have terrible asthma hospitalisations from around 18 months and i used to find that so hard. You must be tired out really.
Babyblue how did things go today? Thinking of you.
Lins - your afternoon sounds just how it should be sweetie - and you are brave to go out in the real world and it is okay to be diverted. I hope it is not too much for you.
Justaboutback - you too have had your fair share of troubles I find today - and so generous of you to reach out.
I finally broke my strange silence and spoke to a dear friend today - and talked through the whole experience and the crying bit was the trauma of the hospital. Women must be treated better in this situation - i feel very passionately about it. I feel less anxious now - less scared.
And the reality of the afternoon? Just had a Brora scarf wrapped round my nose and mouth whilst fishing out three enormous poos of eleven year old and a whole roll of loo roll that eight year old and friend had shoved down there when painting faces green.
And today middle one asked 'Do ants have shadows?' Which is beautiful really.
Speak soon dearest Lins - I want to.
BB xx

And today middle one asked 'Do ants have shadows?' Which is beautiful really.

that made me smile, what a lovely thought

thinking you tonight bb and everyone else this thread has touched,

Thank you Hedkandi - I am lucky to have them and I do know that.
It is lovely the ant thing.
been thinking about it all day really as he is quite big boy to show awe and wonder
xx

Hi Busier

I've been away as rl has been a bit wild.

Can I just plead with all posters past, present and future to only post messages in response to Busier herself.

This is not an AIBU, chat or a debate thread. This is a pure 'holding of hands' thread. Busier is so raw at the moment her brain can not be asked to enter into anything remotely outside it's comfort zone.

Of course there will be huge emotions generated by this thread, but we have a choice to step away from the thread - Busier cannot step away from her life right now and so we can help her by just hearing her.

It is an open forum - so lets respect that be allowing Busier her own bit of it where she can get what she needs.

All blessings and calmness to all of us who have lived through any of this misery ourselves, Mn can really really help us, so look about for a thread or begin your own. It is remarkable how helpful it can be to have these threads. Being a woman in this world is a joyous and heartbreaking thing - the 2 live side by side.

I hope you don't feel I am a bully Busier, by making this mini statement [feel a bit dramatic y'know?] - especially talking about you in the 3rd. I feel very protective towards you.
I hope this thread is a safe place for you.

At least it was Brora busier

A bit of luxury and glamour to plumber duties!

here
here

Everything - however tiny and shortlived - is significant and real, ants have shadows. Hope the links work.

tree {{squeeze}} you are a star,

bb, i hope trees pics made you feel happy,

even if just for a single second,

in time, hopefully, those single seconds will turn into half minutes, and so on,

sending you much love and calmness tonight x

Oh do you know you ladies have restored my faith in mn and in womanhood in general.
Tree you are a true fablous shining star. Made me cry with your protectiveness and those beautiful ant photos.
Something about that little comment - just so ... wondrous.
You are gentle and considerate and so stunningly kind.
When I spoke to my dear friend today - she used to be a nurse - the two things in the narrative that made me cry were;
relating the trauma of the hospital, having to keep eyes shut all day, not being looked after, the p word
and then
just the shock of it all.
The shock of it all happening twice.
But by telling her, and by listening carefully to Spiderpig, I know I am lucky, blessed. And also my DP being upset last night - his pain, his sadness.
So I take comfort somehow that ants have shadows. And so do babies all of them - the ones dreamed of, the ones miscarried and lost, the ones let go for whatever reason the parents felt was right, the ones who never made it through at that last terrible moment. And am humbled by Spiderpig. And by all of you really.
Golly am I having a spiritual moment?
Whatever it is, I feel bit more peaceful tonight than have done so far.
thank you all - means so much
xx

Thank you Hedkandi for your gentle reminders that things do pass. So important to remember that.
Sleep well x

Sleep well BB x

bb {gentle hug}

you are one of the posters i will remember most during my time here at mn,

partly because of the circumstances and partly because of the support given and recieved by all involved during the decision making

Hello all, I have just got home from a 'Mums night out' with some mums I know as sort-of-friends but not real true knowing-what's-going-on-in your-life friends. They didn't mention Daisy and it was kind of ok, to be away from it all for a while. But so lovely to get home and see you all here. And having drunk too much red wine, I feel very emotional and the ant pictures are so beautiful.
"everything - how ever tiny and shortlived - is significant and real. "
Treedelivery, I love you so for writing that. What an amazing thing to read here and so powerful (especially to somewhat drunk and grieving mummies).
It sort of echoes a quote which I really can't remember but was along the lines of 'death casts the longest shadow..' but so much nicer.
And Tree, thanks for sticking up for those who need you most.
Hedkandi, you write such nice things.
Justabout, I'm so glad you are here for Busierbee.
Mumsnet has been a revelation for me, mostly for the amazing support I have received on my thread, but also for the love and understanding that pours out for those who really truly need help. All of us are on a journey through life and its not plain sailing, but when we hit really rocky times, its incredible to come here and have complete strangers tell you 'it's gonna be ok' .
It amazes me that someone going through the worst of times themselves can take time out to write me a little something to make me feel better before I go to bed. What true kindness.
Gosh, I feel like I might cry, (possibly the red wine...) just wanted to say thanks everyone, because when you are supporting Busierbee, you are also supporting me too, as I am feeling much of the same.
xxx Lins

Hi linspins - have been lurking around your thread too but didn't want to intrude. I'm glad you have enjoyed a nice woozy red wine head.