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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

am pregant again after a termination for downs

341 replies

busierbee · 14/03/2009 20:51

I traumatically and sadly had a pregnancy with a downs baby last year. I am 42. I am pregnant again - ten weeks - and consumed with fear and anxiety. Although there is no genetic basis for downs, the risk of having another downs pregnancy is higher than for a woman who has not. Am having a cvs in two weeks. Has anyone been or is anyone in this situation? need a friend

OP posts:
Original poster
busierbee · 04/04/2009 17:10

Oh ladies - I got it! Yes I do in fact have a pair amazingly - my dear sweet man bought me them when we had found out we were pregnant for first time in August - ironically but you are a sweetie for that ilovemydogandobama. Think we should all be sent a stripy pair - all us sad sad mums to make us smile on bad days.

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poppy34 · 04/04/2009 17:12

busierbee - I'm so sorry to read it what happened. Vote here for nice bath stuff - origins in particular saw me through some dark times.

x

treedelivery · 04/04/2009 17:22

I hippys can be materialistic take away lovers - I'm there!
Good to see you here again - though you know there is no pressure of course.

linspins · 04/04/2009 18:36

Busier, glad you got out for dinner yesterday. I like the look of those socks too, they should be available on the NHS!
I, like Treedelivery, would like to get very angry at the treatment of some women in hospitals, who need to be shown more compassion. Grrr!! I know that it can be done right, as I had lovely staff, and a room of my own (with extra bed for husband to stay with me). It makes me so cross to hear bad experiences.
Have just had a whinge about stuff on my thread so I won't repeat it here.
It is so good to come on to Mumsnet and read stuff from 'friends' and know you're all out there. Our computer is my new best friend, I would really panic if our broadband broke.
Linsxx

Mamulik · 04/04/2009 18:41

Just be strong!

Original poster
busierbee · 05/04/2009 20:52

Hello ladies
Am worn out with self and teary and anxious and do not have energy to write much. Have shock and trauma on the one hand and fear and misery that can never have baby. Not ready to accept this - read the Observer article today about loss of baby at birth - have written on Linspins thread about it.
Sadly off.
BB x

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HumphreyCobbler · 05/04/2009 21:04

Dear busierbee, I hope you manage to get a more peaceful night tonight.

I've been thinking of you today. Remember that it is very early days for you. I was thinking of how I felt in the early days - I was overwhelmingly angry with a fury that was all the worse for being impotent.

It sounds trivial but are you able to get any exercise? I found that wearing myself out physically was helpful in releasing some of my feelings. Otherwise the tension just built and built.

justaboutback · 05/04/2009 21:06

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SuziSeis · 05/04/2009 21:26

just seen this thread for the first time
feel weak as i have nothing to offer,but my thoughts
i really really feel for you and the sadness you are feeling
Please know that this is hopefully the hardest bit..you are at the bottom and the only way is up
x

I would like so much to be able to offer more help x

mears · 05/04/2009 21:55

busierbee - I am so sorry to read of what you have been through. Will you be seeing a genetecist? Are you getting any tests done?

I hope that you do not think that whaI am going to say next is insensitive but I don't want to go to another thread where you might miss it.
You have said in your posts that you are sad that your DP will not be dad. I just want to let you know of my sister's experience. Her DH is younger than her and unfortunately she was only able to conceive once at the age of 42yrs which ended in miscarriage.
She had fertility treatment but did not produce enough eggs. She went down the route of donor eggs and at the age of 45 had twins. She has another fertilised egg 'in storage' which she hopes to get implanted this year.
The babies are very much 'hers' and her DHs. She carried them and fed them and is their mum.

I hope you are not offended by what I am telling you - there is nothing worse than someone saying 'not to worry, you can always have another one' when a pregnancy has ended.

I just wanted to let you know that the future is not hopeless if you are advised a future pregnancy is not advisable. Take care.

Original poster
busierbee · 06/04/2009 21:45

Hello all of you out there
Thank you for kind wishes - am up and down. Lots of down for lots of reasons. Is just so overwhelmingly sad and unfair is the thing. And to Mears - thank you for taking the time to tell me of someone else's experiences - very thoughtful of you. We do have a genetic meeting coming up in next few weeks. There is a process called PDC or something or other - which tests the embryo for genetic problems after a few days of conception - like IVF. Have to think of what can be managed however as am so fragile and feel life has been turned upside down. So much thought, prayed all would be okay this time as how could such cruel process happen twice. But it does. So am worn out, delicate and can not see that recovery is quick. But I guess one counts ones blessings - and Real Life takes over.
Love your babies - precious amazing things.
with love
BB

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linspins · 06/04/2009 22:34

Busier, just to say a quick hello today and to let you know I am still thinking of you.
Had a really busy day out and about today and not glued to my computer, but could only do this in the knowledge that I have some time to myself tomorrow.
hope you get a good night sleep. Love lins xx

HedKandi · 07/04/2009 00:05

hello bb,

hope you get some rest tonight,

it is so hard when your dreams are taken away,

life will get better over the coming months but you will never forget the pain and you will always love your lost ones {hug}

it does get easier and you will be able to breathe again without feeling like your chest is collapsing

i know.

you are in my thoughts x

Original poster
busierbee · 07/04/2009 08:55

thank you Hedcandi
Yes I feel exactly like someone is sitting on my chest and wake every morning with terrible anxiety and misery. Can not take much comfort from ARC messageboard at moment as is all so sad and so many lost babies and unhappy mummies. Disturbs me if I am honest at moment.
So it is a struggle and feel very negative about.. well everything really. All those dates in the next few months, trivial ones, a wedding, a weekend away, a concert and i had pictured us happy and me with a proud swollen tummy and now this. Breaks my heart. I sense you have been there too and my heart goes out to you. I know things shift over time. But the awful thing about time is that it takes forever when you are in the moment.
And hello Lins - I hope yeserday did not take it out of you too much. Be gentle on yourself too. DP and I are taking the two boys to Norfolk on Friday to stay in a hotel for the night- we were going to go alone but think i need them with me. Big girl staying here to be wild and young and free.
hugs
BB x

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justaboutback · 07/04/2009 09:05

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Original poster
busierbee · 07/04/2009 14:00

Thank you justabout it is helpful to be reminded that all things pass. But in the middle of it, can be hard to believe it will. Head builing up terrible pressure of pain and unhappiness and have experience of falling apart before after my husband left so know the signs of a spirit under duress. Of course have much more awareness now and support than did then but yes life feels joyless.Thank you for reaching out
BB xx

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justaboutback · 07/04/2009 16:29

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Original poster
busierbee · 07/04/2009 18:19

Thank you again for generously reaching out. Yes the wave metaphor is a good one. At the moment - a storm is not the right word as it is not violent or passionate - it is more like am caught in a whirlwind or something, pulled down, sucked down. Then some stupendous need to survive or deal with life, three children to feed, organise, love, and so am landed back on the surface of the sea, climb back on the surfboard for a bit. The mornings are hard. The realisation on waking that this is reality. The day must go on; the show must go on. Then another dip around about four. Must comfort self in bed, shed tears. Can not look backwards as our innocent hope too painful, can not look forward - all those fantasies and projections - yet the moment of now is agony.
Feel should be talking out loud to those that love me- but simply can not. Is too enormous. Think have trauma issues going on still. Is so physical.
So if i was feeling jolly enough would now add some sad faces - rows of them. Or a field of sad bunnies.
I hope to be able to offer solace to someone else one day - as would hate for someone to go through it all alone.
Thank you kind lady - wherever and whoever you are.
BB xx

OP posts:
Original poster
busierbee · 07/04/2009 18:21

Nanbred - am not sure if you are still mumsnetting - but if you are I wish you well and if strong enough let us know how you are. BB x

OP posts:
linspins · 07/04/2009 21:30

Busierbee, you around? xx

Original poster
busierbee · 07/04/2009 21:42

I am sweetie - how are you? Have not read your thread yet - hang on
xx

OP posts:
SAMR71 · 07/04/2009 23:25

Busierbee - you'll get there - it is just so hard right now though...and so hard to go through all the day to day stuff, but it does get you through...
Just thought would add my experiences with the ARC daily updates - I actually found them too difficult to deal with, and asked them to stop sending them to me - I did find them helpful for a while - just knowing there were other people out there, but it became too much of an emotional commitment - but as they arrived in my inbox each day I felt drawn to read them all... It was just a phone call to one of the lovely ladies and she just sorted it for me.. It's such early days for you.. and if you can't talk in real world keep doing it here - I found I could only talk to my counsellor really.. and just having somewhere to get it out really helped..
Small one groaning - better go.
xx

SAMR71 · 07/04/2009 23:27

PS Meant to add that I did find ARC invaluable for the other stuff - information, calm voice on end of phone when I didn't know who else to talk to, I just found the forum too much for me...

spiderpig · 07/04/2009 23:31

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spiderpig · 07/04/2009 23:34

buierbee

I am so so sorry

Please please ignore my earlier message

I have had a recent stillbirth and I am clearly still not in a good place mentally

I don't know what came over me

I am so sorry