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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

pregnant with twins, considering termination. please help.

179 replies

moaninhore · 30/10/2008 13:55

I have 3 wonderful children and a wonderful dh.
he didn't want any more children and now we are 10 weeks pregnant with twins. as time as gone on I realise how serious he is about not wanting them and I am now seriously thinking about aborting to save our marriage. I don't hate him as he is just being honest and I would not want to resent him forever.
I would really appreciate advice from anyone who has been in this position or who has known of anyone who has.
thanks.

OP posts:
WifeandMotherof4 · 31/10/2008 16:46

I think to terminate, especially twins (for somw reason), it has to be something that you are very sure about. Even a flicker of doubt could haunt you forever. I have had a termination with the man I love and found that it plagued my every day until I had a baby. I had the termination as I felt he would love me more, he didn't. I had had a termination prior to that as I wasn't ready for a baby and ha no qualms about it.
The hormones alone are pretty crappy but coupled with doubt and the exceptional circumstance of having twins would be a lot to deal with unless you are absolute that this is th right path. I'm not sure that anyone regrets having children that they are unsure they want but whether your family can cope with two extra mouths is another issue.
If it were me I think my decision would be more based on the ability to cope with a termination rather than the ability to cope with more children, as one requires action now and the other very careful consideration and coping mehanisms that you may well find.
I wish you resolve and peace in this matter.

lizzie9442 · 31/10/2008 18:33

Hi, I was in exactly the same poition as you. I have 3 wonderful children and fell pregnant 6 months ago and then found out it was twins. I was in shock but I would never abort. I live in a 2 bed flat and it would have been hard for me to cope but it wouldnt of been for long and we would of eventually moved. I sadly lost both my twins as there was no heart beat at the 12 week scan and I would give anything to stil be pregnant with them. Twins are very rare and a miracle I think and you should feel lucky that you were blessed with them. I hope you make the right choice for you and your family. All the best

Ginni · 31/10/2008 19:32

Hi there, just wanted to share my experience - I found out I was pregnant at 11 weeks, completely unplanned and at the start of a new relationship. My partner reacted badly to say the least and demanded that I get an abortion because he wanted to be married (and not necessarily to me!) before he had a baby. I refused as I want this baby with or without him, and we battled it out until around 6 months. Around that time he realised there was no way I was going to terminate, and he has completely changed his tune. He is now really excited about having his first baby and we are trying to make our relationship work too. He even says he would have regretted if it I had had a termination.

You have more experience than me to say what life will be like with two more little ones as you are already a mother and i'm not (yet!), but all I want to say is to do what you want to do, and follow your heart.

lisamaguire · 01/11/2008 11:34

just wanted to add i lost my much wanted baby this morning so im not really the best person to even be reading this post now

RottenOtter · 01/11/2008 11:38

lisa sorry for your loss but this is not the place

op hope you have reached a point of knowing what to do x

bronze · 01/11/2008 11:39

Had a very similar situation (not twins) I dont do this often but feel free to email me (or add me to msn) [email protected]
I still find it hard to talk about but can do it one to one.
(I sound odd dont I? )

Original poster
moaninhore · 01/11/2008 14:54

thankyou bronz I have e-mailed you.x

OP posts:
Original poster
moaninhore · 01/11/2008 14:56

so sorry lisa. I do know first hand about the heartbreak of losing a baby. I never ever thought I would find my self in this position now.
I hope you go on to have a wonderful baby x

OP posts:
Peachy · 01/11/2008 15:03

FOr the house bit, it is doable- we have 6 in a 3 bed and 2 have SN; one has to have his own room so thats going to mean 3 in a bedroom but hey thats fine, they love each other and its not really a big deal.

I think- its hard you know, but if your DH is being like this then you need to work out not what he wants but you. If your marriage broke up (an unwanted abortion could well do that to even the most secure of amrriages) would you deeply regret it? If so then do't have it. have the babies adopted if you need to. You are the one who has to live every day of your life with this and it only my opsinion but far less people regret a baby whe they have it in their arms than a termination.

But good luck to you and wishing you support whatever choice you make.

georgimama · 01/11/2008 15:05

You don't know how you will feel after a termination, but personally if my DH "forced" (by expressing his negativity) me into having a termination I would never forgive him even if I wanted to - the marriage would be over anyway. It is entirely possible that you will end up breaking up anyway even if you have a termination. Sorry to be blunt.

Peachy · 01/11/2008 15:07

Fair point georgi.

georgimama · 01/11/2008 15:13

I agree with Peachy and others having read the thread properly, if you cannot keep these children please consider adoption. You already think of them as your babies and are worried about what they will go through (that breaks my heart, you thinking that) if you have a termination. You love them already. Please don't abort.

bronze · 01/11/2008 15:24

Have replied
Hope you're ok

NorthernLurker · 01/11/2008 15:25

A lot of people have mentioned regrets and what would you regret more. Having regrets comes up a lot on these threads and I personally think its a bit of a red herring. It's not possible to live without regrets of some sort or degree. Whatever you choose you may regret the other option. That's a normal, human response. It's not an ideal world - there is no answer that doesn't come with a cost. What you have to know is what cost will break your heart? Whatever happens you can't go back to who you were before, neither of you. I wish you all the luck in the world with your decision.

Original poster
moaninhore · 01/11/2008 15:26

I'm not overly worried about space, we would be very squashed but I can't imagine our house being any louder than it already is.... we would adjust to the space issue for sure.
I told dh I was very sure that I couldn't have an abortion. I poured my heart out as to why (I had already) but I tried to sound very sure.
It obviously panicked him a great deal. I'm giving him some space now. I'll report back tomorrow or monday after our session.
I tried to show him this thread but I think he felt a bit ambushed so only read one or two posts, fair enough.
today and yesterday I am sure about having them, I only wish I would stop swinging positions so wildly.

OP posts:
Original poster
moaninhore · 01/11/2008 15:28

thankyou again for all the kind support x

OP posts:
silvermum · 01/11/2008 15:52

moanin, i agree with lizzie that there is something really special about twins. they seem an extra blessing, though i do understand in your case you may not see it that way.
There is a very, very interesting piece on the front of the Guardian newspaper's 'Family' section today written by a lady who had an abortion because her unborn child had severe disabilities. she has never got over it. obviously your case is very different but what she says echoes the previous post i wrote about how abortion haunts you, even if it seemed the right decision at the time. how much more will it haunt you, if you have such mixed feelings now? Please read the piece if you can - you might find it useful. maybe your husband would be interested in it too. it certainly makes you think, and it might be less daunting for him than reading these posts! I'm sure you don't want to overwhelm him.
wishing you courage whatever the next step

Original poster
moaninhore · 01/11/2008 15:57

Thankyou silver, I will. I a pleased also because my mother in-law reads that and often sends us the 'family' section with anything interesting in it... she knows about this and as lovely as she is, she can't hide the fact that she thinks we shouldn't have them. she is the only person dh has spoken to.

OP posts:
needmorecoffee · 01/11/2008 16:04

been thinking about you moanin.
Glad I haven't see that Guardian peice. I have a severely disabled dd and can't cope with reading about people aborting cos of that

Original poster
moaninhore · 01/11/2008 16:11

thankyou coffee, having a good day today, just hope the strength lasts.

OP posts:
exasperatedmummy · 01/11/2008 22:20

just wanted to send my best wishes moanin - you going to have to follow your heart with this.

Lisa, so sorry for your loss

janebirkinesque · 01/11/2008 22:50

nobody would want to be in your position. i'm so, so sorry for you.
all i can do is tell you my story: i fell pregnant a few years ago in the first few weeks of a relationship. i was unemployed and renting at the time. needless to say the relationship floundered as soon as i tested +ive. i could see no way of having a baby unsupported and in poverty. i terminated at 6 weeks.
The pain and suffering i endured for two years afterwards is very similar to that described the article in today's Guardian.
But, here's my difference. I have made friends with myself again. The pain has got easier. I have forgiven myself. I don't believe i will be haunted by it for the rest of my life because I won't let it. It may, if I never deliver a healthy baby, but right now, my current pregnancy is progressing well, so I'm not going to let it.
so when people say: abortion will haunt you forever, you'll never get over it, please remember this: it never goes away, like all of our loss and pain, but some of us choose to forgive ourselves and choose not to be swallowed up by guilt and regret. All we can do is our best. I wish you love and luck.

Peachy · 02/11/2008 12:38

I think from what I have read you are an amzingly brave and copetent woman who no doubt is an excellent Mummy, and I am in awe of you. If you split from your DH he will very muxh much be the loser here.

Don't be influenced by MIL's is always good advice- MILs have agendas: their children.

Peachy · 02/11/2008 12:40

I do think Janebirkin makes a good poiint and that is we have to know how we as indicviduals deal with these things.

Like jane I fell PG 6 weeks into a relationship when very poor but unlike her I didnt terminate despite coming extremely close and lots of complications (hyperemesis early one)- it hasnt been easy, ds1 is sn, but I am glad I made @for* me the right decision as I know I am not good at forgiving myself and would have dwelt on it for many years, I have guilt issues enough as it is!

mogwai · 02/11/2008 15:56

If it were me, I'd never be able to cope, or at least, that would be my first reaction.

I could go through with a termination but couldn't say how this would affect me in the long term.

I have a friend who has 3 children and became pregnant with a fourth. She terminated the pregnancy because they couldn't cope financially or practically with another child. She doesn't apppear to regret the decision but feels her youngest child would love a baby sibling and has started talking about adopting a fourth child.

Strange thing to think about adopting another - makes me wonder about how she really feels.