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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

pregnant with twins, considering termination. please help.

179 replies

moaninhore · 30/10/2008 13:55

I have 3 wonderful children and a wonderful dh.
he didn't want any more children and now we are 10 weeks pregnant with twins. as time as gone on I realise how serious he is about not wanting them and I am now seriously thinking about aborting to save our marriage. I don't hate him as he is just being honest and I would not want to resent him forever.
I would really appreciate advice from anyone who has been in this position or who has known of anyone who has.
thanks.

OP posts:
TeenyTinyTorya · 30/10/2008 14:24

I got pregnant unexpectedly - dh told me he didn't want children and encouraged me to abort. We now have an 18mth old and he is broody as hell! Men can change their minds, and it may be the shock at the initial thought of what life will be like with 5 children that is making him feel this way.

You have to think about how you feel - if you don't terminate, you have 8 months to work out your feelings and plan how you will cope in the future. If you do terminate, your feelings about the babies seem very different to your dh's just now, so that could cause problems in your marriage anyway. I don't envy the choice you have to make, but I hope you find what is best for you.

MamaG · 30/10/2008 14:24

Will your GP refer you to a counsellor to discuss possible termination? Just because you talk to GP about it, you aren't committing to anything.

silvermum · 30/10/2008 14:26

moanin, what an awful situation. I just want to add that if you are already having nightmares about the prospect of a termination, it will not get any easier, and is likely to be very, very hard afterwards. I had a termination a few years ago for what seemed like - and perhaps were - all the "right" reasons, but it still eats me up and if i allowed myself to dwell on it I dont know what it would do to me. It was truly a dreadful, heartbreaking experience and I don't think I fully appreciated how much it would affect me. My fear is that if you have a termination when even a bit of you - in your heart - wants these babies, you may never get over it. And as other posters have pointed out, that could have a very difficult impact on your marriage.
Forgive me if that piles pressure on you and your decision. Wishing you strength and courage. If even a little of your heart wants your babies, please keep them.

throckenholt · 30/10/2008 14:26

it is scary when you hear the word twins related to you. You have all these ideas flashing through your mind.

And to be honest - it is tough the first few years. But it is survivable and twins are so rewarding.

You need to talk long and hard about how things go from here. If you terminate will you forgive yourself ? If you don't and he leaves will you forgive yourself ?

If you terminate and don't cope - how will he feel ? If he leaves - they are still his kids - how will he deal with that ?

They are all things you need to at least talk through before you make any decisions.

TeenyTinyTorya · 30/10/2008 14:27

My family (six of us kids and two parents) lived in a small 2 bedroom house for several years. It was cramped, but it worked until my parents had enough money to move. Could you manage where you are until house prices become a bit more sane?

Original poster
moaninhore · 30/10/2008 14:30

I went to a pregnany advisory place for a session, it turned out to be a pro life organisation, they hid it well in the leaflets. the gp is unhelpful, but we are seeing a councellor on monday. I just really need to hear from other womens experience, but people don't really talk about it.

OP posts:
Thomcat · 30/10/2008 14:31

Goish porr you, not a good situation to find yourself in.

So, he didn't want any more thsan 3 kids but you fell pregnant anyway. Was he ok when he thought you were having a 4th and then the idea of 5 sent him over the edge?

Do you think you'll always regrret it if you don't have these children? Or do you think you can trminate and carry on and have a happy marriage and life?

My DP only ever wanted 2 kids. I got pregnant with no3. He was massivley against it, said no way, end of. I was scared but devestated. Knew I had to have this baby. Told him I thought we'd regret terminating but could never regret her once she was here. It swung it and now I have a wonderful 13 month old as well as 2 other beautiful girls.

What is your heart telling you?

TeenyTinyTorya · 30/10/2008 14:32

From reading your posts, it seems like part of you wants to keep this pregnancy. You referred to them as your babies, and you seem to have doubts. If you have these feelings now, they could cause problems for you following a termination. I know some women have abortions with no regret, but you seem emotionally attached. I hope you get some useful help from the counsellor.

Original poster
moaninhore · 30/10/2008 14:36

silvermum x

I don't know, it's complicated, dh is right to worry, we could stay sqeezed in here I'm sure, the house is tied to his job which is, in effect, to run a very busy business for someone else who owns the business (more than a manager iyswim) moving would mean changing jobs...not such an awful idea but maybe not very easily done?
I would be determined not to hold resentment for ever more and have seen people eaten up by grief and bitterness and trauma in my family and I would do all I could to prevent it destroying us. but as someone said, if the thought of terminating is so painful already, would I ever forgive myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
moaninhore · 30/10/2008 14:42

thom he was the same when it was just 'one baby' no worse at the thought of two, for a fleeting moment he was excited as we had always thought twins would be wonderful, then he came back down to earth...
teeny I have tried very hard not to get attached to the pegnancy, the only time I think about them as being babies are in my darkest moments when I am envisaging what will happen to them, where they will go if I had an abortion, and would they be in pain. I'm sorry. It kills me the thought of it.

OP posts:
TeenyTinyTorya · 30/10/2008 14:45

I'm probably not the best person to advise on this, as I'm nearly 6 weeks pregnant and willing my little blob to hang on in there! I totally understand that you have such mixed feelings, and you definitely need to let all this out to a counsellor, and let your dh know how you feel about it as well. Maybe you could work out what the practicalities of life woudl be with five kids, that might make it easier to come to some sort of decision.

Thomcat · 30/10/2008 14:46

If the thought of it kills you then you need to sit down with DH and talk this through. Talk and talk and talk until you can both come to a decision where you can support each other and feel comfortable with.

Can he live with the fact that this is killing you?

Would he really ever regret having them once they are here?

scorpio1 · 30/10/2008 14:47

I am also prob not the best person - but you obviously don't want an abortion

Could he not adjust?

aj13 · 30/10/2008 14:47

Hi I think its good your having counciling TOGETHER. Only you TWO can make the right decision for your family but remember whatever you choose, its going to be with you for the rest of your life.

Me personally would never get a termination as I would never be able to live with myself.

Like others have mentioned it does sounds like you want these babies and if you want something that much things will always work out in the end.
Dont just do it to save the marrige as this will probably cause more problem between you at the end of the day than keeping them would.

Best of Luck which ever road you take x

omeNofthefleshes · 30/10/2008 14:49

complete sympathy for you. We have 3 young dc and didnt know if we wanted a no.4 thn decided not to and I am not about 8 and a half weeks pg. The idea that this could be twins fills me with fear as like you we only a small 3 bed semi..however I am lucky that dh would support me no matter what.
I hope you manage to talk it out and reach the right decision

Blu · 30/10/2008 14:52

You are thinking of his pov and considering saving your marriage by having a termination which by the sound of it you would NOT want if your DH was suppportive.

Would he be prepared to go against his current feeling in order to support your views - and save the marriage?

If his view was neutral - 'you choose, either way is fine by me' - what would you feel about the pg? Are you using his misgivings as the focus for any of your own? Is it possible that you are putting him in the role of decision maker because you would feel easier if he bars the 'guilt'? OR if his view was neutral, would you be celebating the pg and rushing out to look at double buggies?

If you really wnat these babies, i think that the fact that you supported HIS wish in order to save the marriage would be as pernicious in the relationship as the regret at the termination.

You are in a v hard situation, I hope you can find some peace between you.

Original poster
moaninhore · 30/10/2008 14:52

this is very helpful, I will show him the thread, it will give us lots to discuss. it might sound rediculous but this time of year is such a busy time for him we have had such few moments to really be able to talk. when we have its been hard not to argue and take the stress out on eachother.

I hope he will give in and adjust eventually but it feels like I am taking a huge gamble.

there is no doubt he would love them, he is an amazing dad, something that came from my pro-life session was that maybe he puts too much pressure on himself to be a great dad and needs to be able to say no to the kids every no and again to make some time for him (and us)

OP posts:
Original poster
moaninhore · 30/10/2008 14:54

blu you are spot on.

OP posts:
lecohen · 30/10/2008 14:55

Hiya,

Firstly, so sorry to read what you are going through, I can't imagine under how much stress you must be in.

I know someone who fell preg with 3rd (unplanned) and her and her hub took it very badly and cursed their "bad luck", she then miscarried and somehow felt devastated and as if she was to blame because of her neative thoughts.

My point is, sometimes you don't appreciate the little wonders that life throws at you until it slips through your fingers.

I completely understand the strain twins will put on your lives and marriage but it may just make you stronger and bring you closer.

Please do not rush to make a decision you may regret as in time, not keeping the babies may prove to have been an irrational decision...somehow people do manage and find ways to make things work.

That said, if YOU feel that you couldn't cope, then no on should judge your decision.

Good luck xxxhugsxxx

Original poster
moaninhore · 30/10/2008 15:16

thankyou lecohen x

OP posts:
BlueCowWonders · 30/10/2008 15:44

five children is a LOT. I wonder if this were me (and I have 3 atm) if I would be secretly 'hoping' / wondering if I'd miscarry one or both.

[Just been reading lecohen and she's said exactly that]

Are you the sort of person who let's life take its course (it will be what it is) or do you prefer to take decisive action and not leave things to chance.

I think you do have time to talk/ think with dh and others.

xxgood luckxx

AxisofEvil · 30/10/2008 15:53

I mention this only really for the sake of completeness but if you decide you couldn't bear a termination but you don't think you could cope with the babies, could adoption be a possible option for you?

cfc · 30/10/2008 16:10

God, I feel for you. I suppose you feel like you have to chose between your unborns and your husband.

I can only suggest that you tell him how you feel strongly and MAKE TIME to talk - there is surely nothing more important than this at the moment.

But I heard someone say once that people regret abortions (I don't, but diff circs for me at the time) but I've never heard of anyone regretting a child.

All the best to you both.

cupsoftea · 30/10/2008 16:14

Sounds like you will regret having an abortion & this will effect you and could distroy you. Having the two little ones will be an adjustment - but lovely as well. At least you have lots of childrens things already and know how to look after newborns.

beautifulgirls · 30/10/2008 16:27

What a difficult situation for you. I think you really need to get some professional counselling here with both of you present and make a decision when you have both talked this through. Emotions are running high for both of you and whatever choice you make it is going to be hard on you all. Please do give some serious thought to having them adopted too if the thought of aborting them is so hard on you, but you feel as a family you would not be able to keep them. It may just be a better middle ground for you even though that itself is still a very hard decision to take.
Good luck with it all - I wish you well whatever choice you do finally make.