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Original poster

pregnant with twins, considering termination. please help.

179 replies

moaninhore · 30/10/2008 13:55

I have 3 wonderful children and a wonderful dh.
he didn't want any more children and now we are 10 weeks pregnant with twins. as time as gone on I realise how serious he is about not wanting them and I am now seriously thinking about aborting to save our marriage. I don't hate him as he is just being honest and I would not want to resent him forever.
I would really appreciate advice from anyone who has been in this position or who has known of anyone who has.
thanks.

OP posts:
Heated · 30/10/2008 16:27

I have no wise words but do know someone this happened to.

9 years ago my friend was in hospital with complications with her 2nd, and in the next bed was a woman who had wanted a 3rd and conceived triplets.

Coincidentally I now teach the eldest of her children & know this mum through school. She is very organised and definitely calmer than I am with my mere two. They did not move but did eventually expand upwards into the attic for the girls. She said she did all the worrying, planning and decision making; dh just got his head down and worked but he's good with the elder ones' h/w of an evening and loves getting stuck in at the weekend. She said they were shocked, still are sometimes, but 'you just get on, don't you?' Her MIL also moved to be closer and helped with the older ones when the triplets arrived.

I don;t know if this helps or not, but just want to wish you all the best, whatever decision you make.

Bubbaluv · 30/10/2008 16:28

Moanin, Would you consider having the babies and having them adopted? I know it would be hard, but it doesn't sound like you have easy options availbale at the mo.

Febes · 30/10/2008 16:49

I'm so sorry for the stressful situation you are in OP.
My mum just meet a woman who has 5 children and fell PG naturally with triplets and is 23 weeks PG now.
I hope you can come to a decision that you can live with.

tinkisbigandinneedofzzzzzzzzz · 30/10/2008 16:51

what a stressful and difficult decision for you.
if it was me i think i would keep them i dont really agree with abortions and i would think about it for the rest of my life.

Original poster
moaninhore · 30/10/2008 16:53

there is no way I would be able to give them up for adoption, I just couldn't do it. Although I do agree it would be a more favourable option than termination.

thankyou for all the kind words of support, it really does help. hearing of families who have had multiple pregs unplanned really helps, it can sometimes feel like this is only happening to us but I'm sure it is fairly common.

OP posts:
exasperatedmummy · 30/10/2008 16:54

Oh, i feel for you i really do.

Can i share my experience, its not entirely relevant.

Firstly I should say that in principle, i am anti-abortion and feel very strongly about it, but this is my position, if it were me.

I have been with DP for 16 years, he never wanted childre - i had a DD from a previous "relationship". Thats all good. So, three years ago - just as i was finishing uni, i got the BFP (always thought it meant, bloody fucking pregnant!). I was , dp was dumbfounded. There was never any real question that we wouldn't keep the baby as he knew my views on abortion and didn't even suggest it. So, three years on, we are in financial ruins when we should be enjoying a bit of stability and rewards for hard work. We have gone from being the shining example of a perfect relationship that my friends envied, to just about hanging on in there - PND didn't help. I am in counselling and our relationship, im sorry to say, will never be the same again - that makes me very sad. Of course, life is life and i ADORE my DD and DP absolutely lives for her, he is such a wonderful daddy it stops my heart.

If i got a BFP with one child now, i'm not sure i could cope, let alone with twins. I know that if i didn;t have a termination then my relationship with DP would be over - so, the situation is, i would end up a single parent to two children and DD would lose her daddy. I would be devestated and im not sure i could cope with the alternative in my head.

I don't really have any advice, just to say, please don't judge your DH, he is thinking with his practical head, the twins aren't inside him so ultimately it is your decision, but my god, what a decision you have to make All the while you are in the mindset that you would be terminating for your DH then it is a disaster waiting to happen. Whatever decision you have to make, must be joint if you are to come out of this together. I think having counselling is just the thing - I wish you both well, whatever you decide.

Original poster
moaninhore · 30/10/2008 16:55

oh my gosh febes, that is a big deal, comforts me somehow

OP posts:
FAQ · 30/10/2008 16:58

not really quite the same. But I fell pg with DS3 when I knew that exH didn't want anymore children (MAP failed) - he was dead-set against me keeping it but I knew that I would regret having an abortion. I felt like I had to choose between my husband or my unborn child.

I chose the latter, and took the risks that went with it. My marriage has since fallen apart (but the baby was only a small part of it) - and I'm extremely glad that I didn't go through with abortion in a bid to keep him happy. I have 3 wonderful children (DS3 is now 17 months) , I suspect my marriage would have gone the same way had I had an abortion though so I guess it's different to you where your marriage is still ok.

I agree with those that suggest getting proper counseling for both of you.

Pamina · 30/10/2008 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nowwearefour · 30/10/2008 16:59

would giving them up for adoption be an impossibility? i thikn that is what we might do as we really do not want more children but fear aborting would totally destroy us

GoodGravytrain · 30/10/2008 17:00

M,
I am so sorry you are in this position. However I would say keep, every time - if there is one bone in your body that loves those little ones, don't get rid of them. I know you feel for your husband but you kind of owe it to yourself and the babies to not hurt either of you, too.

I had no support either and wanted my baby, but didn't think I could do it without dp wanting it too. However I could literally not make the decision, so I didn't - I left it to God and nature and my own body. I kept the baby and he was born, is healthy, gorgeous, I manage...and i cannot bear to think I almost never knew him.

I understand where your head is at but ten weeks is a long way in to have a termination. I know there's no way I could do it and as a husband I don't think I could ever ask a wife to do it either.

I hope you can find a way through this. my guess is that he is panicking and the more you waver, the more he will feel panicky - IME a lot of times once the woman says definitely that she is not going to get rid, the man is relieved as it then becomes 'not his fault' and he can be cross with you, blame you if you like, but will relax more about the babies. You've done it 3 times, you know the drill
He just perhaps needs to stop feeling like he has a choice. That might help xxxx

FAQ · 30/10/2008 17:01

"You have to do what you think is best because if you do terminate and you don't really want to then I'd bet your marriage will be over anyway as you will resent and blame him."

tbh that''s what swung me to say "no" to exH with regards to having a termination. I knew deep down that I would resent him over it and it would still affect our marriage.

exasperatedmummy · 30/10/2008 17:03

Moanin - can i just say that even though life is tough for us, i wouldnt be without either of my DDs, both "accidents". They are my reason for living.

The thing is - i am a strong believer in fate, if you are meant to have two more babies, then you will have two more babies, if you are not - then you wont and whatever happens after, you will adapt to and it will be the right decision for you all - does that make any sense?

Original poster
moaninhore · 30/10/2008 17:04

exaper...
thankyou so much for sharing, for you. I really don't blame dh, I adore him, he is everything a man, husband and daddy should be and more. if were not all of these things then I would not be considering a termination 'for him'. life is stressful at times for us, like all families with young children. I am an eternal optomist and I have to ask myself if I am only seeing the short-term picture, but when I read your post, I can see that I might have to live with the reality of screwing up what we did have (all 5 of us)and breaking my dh, who is just such a good man.

OP posts:
GoodGravytrain · 30/10/2008 17:05

Btw my (now ex) partner did relax bi9g time once i said i was keeping the baby. It was when he felt he had a say in it, that he was stressed to the hilt. After I took total responsibility, he joked and laughed and we were having fun again. That's not to say he'd have stuck around, but I booted him out anyway as he was a bit of a nob

But he had a problem trying to do what he thought we should do. It worried him so much. When I kind of metaphoricvally slapped him gently and said 'get out of it, of course we're kjeeping it you eejit!' he calmed down a lot.

TrY that tactic first. It might do the trick. Being worried and weepy and indecisive in front of him, won't make him feel any better, it will make him panic more and want the babies less iyswim.

(this might not be the same in your situation, I apologise if I';m way off - but it did work for me)

Original poster
moaninhore · 30/10/2008 17:09

yes that does make some sense gravy. and 'he was a bit of a nob' made me lol. -thankyou for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
moaninhore · 30/10/2008 17:11

sheesh my sp[elling is shocking, sorry no time to read through first..

actually I'm just rubbish at spelling.

OP posts:
GoodGravytrain · 30/10/2008 17:17

We like people who can't type/spell round here, you know that

GoodGravytrain · 30/10/2008 17:18

and I had a few extra letters in there too...metaphoricvally?

Original poster
moaninhore · 30/10/2008 17:19

phew...

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 30/10/2008 17:26

"What is worse: to terminate this pregnancy now, and keep your family in reasonable circumstances, or to pursue the pregnancy and for you all to live with a huge amount of stress?"

This has missed the third option which is what happened if you terminate to save the marriage and the marriage fails because of that? There is an equally likely scenario where you would resent your DH for "making" you make the decision to terminate. Especially as you see them as babies and not just a problem.

I went through a huge mental crisis when preg with DD and came down on the side of having her, something I do not regret for one single moment.

jellybeans · 30/10/2008 17:26

I have twins and was scared how we would manage, so was DH. I have a friend who was a single mum, had 3 small kids and found out she was pg with twins, she had a 2 bed council house and on benefits. She booked for a TOP but chickened out in theatre and kept the twins. That was about 4 years ago, she now has a 4 bed council house and the twins are at nursery, she has a new boyfriend and all worked out. I also have been pg (I was a teenager) and dumped by the bloke unless I had a TOP, his mum also tried to make me, but I kept DD, now 12 and all worked out in the end. I would never TOP unless I (not DH..many relationships end, this is for life)100% DID NOT want the baby/ies. I have had a TOP for severe fatal problems in my baby which was hard enough to live with. I really would not terminate, I bet he will come round eventually, if he doesn't he is not worth it. You will resent him if you TOP without being sure for yourself. Some men also feel guilty after the TOP and leave anyway, I believe this is very common. Good luck with your decision x

FAQ · 30/10/2008 17:30

Soupy has put it so much better than I did.

countingto10 · 30/10/2008 17:42

I had an unplanned 4th. It was so the wrong time for financially, having 3 under 5 etc. I know DH was very stressed as I don't do pregnancy well (severe morning sickness)and with his business. We discussed termination but he knew my opinions and knew it would be the end for us. In the end you cope because you have to. It is not easy, life is chaotic and we are in dire financial straits but we treat it as us against the world and we are in it together because there is no alternative. But, at the end of the day, the rewards from all the children are worth it and I tease my DH when he says how adorable DS4 is that he didn't even want him (he gets v. angry about that) TBH I think when you first announce you're pregnant it's a panic reaction and boy, did my DH panic !

I have a saying as well that is, if you don't know what to do - do nothing. Things will sort themselves out.Good luck.

idobelieveinghosts · 30/10/2008 17:47

I had 2 unplanned multiple pregnancies moaninhore....and i had 4 singletons already...dp wasn't very amused about the last pregnancy...but he came round....i know i couldn't have had an abortion.....it's something i know i would never get over..dp knew this too.

We coped...youngest twins have just turned 4.

I hope you can both work it out.xx