pregnant with twins, considering termination. please help.

[moaninhore]

I have 3 wonderful children and a wonderful dh.
he didn't want any more children and now we are 10 weeks pregnant with twins. as time as gone on I realise how serious he is about not wanting them and I am now seriously thinking about aborting to save our marriage. I don't hate him as he is just being honest and I would not want to resent him forever.
I would really appreciate advice from anyone who has been in this position or who has known of anyone who has.
thanks.

This is my very personal persective - if I were pregnant again I would have an abortion, much as it would pain me to do it.
I had twins which meant I had 3 under 3 and I think it depends on the kind of person/couple you are and how you handle things. I absolutely hated how little time I had to give any of them and how much they suffered for lack of attention. I think some parents are very good at dividing themselves, but I wasn't and it's only now they're nearly 4 and6 that I feel there's enough of me to go round.
I couldn't have more for me and the result having them would have on my other children because of the way I wouldn't be able to cope. My dh is such a good man and I would hate to see the strain on him again too - his hair has turned grey inthe past 4 years.
I think some people have always envisaged themselves as having lots of children and do just get on with it - I think I'd crumble and therfore so would my marriage
and children.We would cope financially, but that's about the only area I think we would.
Sorry to be so grim - I think you have very different opinions from me - I just wanted to show you that it's not just men that feel that way.
I think the only answer is to talk and talk some more - it's great you're both going to have a counselling session.

moanin - im not really, yes, its hard for us, but ultimately i made the right decision and i know for a fact that DP would never be without DD. I always knew i would have another daughter, i don't know how i knew it, i swore i would never have anymore, but i knew she was coming.

I do have another story though - not about me, my friend had her first child at 19, she then went on to have three more, in four years - i don't know how they coped, they had no money and i know it was hard for them. But now they have four lovely boys, the eldest is 18 and they are very happy. Its all about going with the flow sometimes i guess.

How long have you known you are pregnant? Has your DHs reaction always been the same? How are your finances? Isn't there financial help available for parents of twins or am i being over optimistic? All those things are really important.

I don't know how you are going to make this decision, it is easier for your DH as he can separate himself from the pregnancy - you can't, which makes it difficult for you to be objective. I think objectivity is what is required here - that doesn't mean i thik you should terminate, i actually haven't the first idea what you should do but i think if you can separate emotion, and look at the practicalities of both decisions, of course you have to consider your emotions but from an objective point of view.

Could you sit down with him and go through how you think you might cope practically? To look at the finances and see if it is really feasable? You might be surprised and it might sway him. Trouble is, gut feeling is difficult to get past.

I am pretty sure that my DP would have driven me to the clinic the next day and not given me chance to change my mind if i had said i wanted an abortion as im pretty sure he didn't want to keep our baby, because he was scared shitless - it took him a while to come round, but he did and i am sure he has no regrets. But that doesn't change the fact that our relationship HAS suffered - the question i don't know the answer to is, would it have survived a termination? I'm not sure it would, i just don't know.

I really really feel for you actually.

Love is a powerful thing though, and it does overcome most things. Remember that.

i agree with soupdragon...don't ignore the impact that you opting to terminate to save your marriage could have on your own feelings about your marriage
talk talk talk to your husband
I really hope you can both find a way through this

I have 5 dc, and yes it is a lot (and I can't really imagine having twins!) but we do live in quite a tiny house.......

What is more important..... your family and the joy these new babies will bring into it, or having space?

I am so sorry you are in this position, and I really feel for you xx

I had an unplanned pg when I was 14, and he is now 12!

A lot of people would say that the most sensible thing would have been to terminate, but I just couldn't even contemplate it!

I really do agree with SoupDragon, about the ramifications to your marriage if you were to terminate, but you poor thing, you really are stuck bewtween a rock and a hard place aren't you!

It is very easy for people to say please don't terminate for DH and that he a bad person for asking her to consider this. None of you are the OP, but this is not that simple.

IF the OP terminates, it wont be, or shouldnt be solely for her DH, it will be for their marriage (if that is what they decide to do) and the three children they have already - let us not forget that there are three other children already. The OP has already said that her DH is a lovely man and a wonderful father.

I am on the verge of being a pro-lifer so strong are my views on abortion, but i am not niave to the fact that sometimes, it can be the right decision.

I don't know what the right decision for the OP is, but implying that she is terminating over space is a bit much to be honest. I battle to cope wiht two children, well one, considering my eldest is 18 now - so five? Especially unplanned thats a lot to ask.

OP - i think you should step away from this thread now, as i'm confused, so you must be spinning - try and have a normal weekend with DH, ask him to think truly over this weekend what he really really wants, tell him that you are worried taht terminating might change your feelings towards him (to be totally honest, i dont think you can predict how you will feel so it is a possibility that you have to consider)Go to your counselling on monday and TALK TALK TALK, and stay loving each other - no one is in the wrong here.

EM - that's very true - but I think what some of us are trying to say is that terminating for the sake of her marriage doesn't mean that her marriage will survive it. At the time I fell pg with DS3 things were good between exH and I was always saying what a wonderful husband he was, and what a wonderful father (he's still a great dad now I hasten to add - who totally dotes on DS3.....the child he "didn't want")

I do believe in ghosts, you had two multiple pregnancies on top of four children already>? Am i to assume two sets of twins? Like, thats, like EIGHT children? Eight???? WOW You must have a HUGE turkey at christmas - how can you cope with so many PEOPLE in your house? Im in awe!

FAQ, i totally recognise that and have said so in my posts, but i just worry that trying to get to emotive is not helpful as i am sure the OP is fully aware of how she might feel. I just think that people are thinking she is considering terminating for her DH, she is not, she is considering this for the sake of her marriage.

Saying all that, i get the feeling there will be a new member of the multiple birth forum in about eight months time - gut feeling

yes I see your point, however when I was in the same position (well not exact same - it was a singleton as I later discovered at scan) I felt that terminating for my marriage was the same as terminating for my (now) exH. It was something I would be doing as a result of someone/something else other than my own feelings on the pg.

I shall now leave this thread, and wish the OP the best of luck with whatever decision she makes.

I am taking on board most of the advice on here, thankyou. I understand that it is a very emotive subject and when opening up to a forum I should expect some very different pov.
hearing about peoples own experiences of multiple birth/unplanned pregs is very encouraging, but also EM you talk very realistically and you do seem to get how it is with dh and I (to do with not terminating for him etc)

In my head I have a time limit of 2 weeks from now. I don't know why, partly as I a slightly fixated on the idea of having a nuchal scan and having a better idea of things...? I have had quite a bit of bleeding and it was suggested by the first sonographer that one twin looked slightly 'ropey'.
I a sure I am clutching at straws but I feel like if I have this scan and I find 2 healthy babies then I will be happy and maybe that will be enough to bring dh round. if there is anything wrong, then I don't know, a decision taken out of my hands maybe..
A termination at any stage is dreadful enough but but leaving it any longer, starting to show, I know I couldnt handle that at all.

so as someone said already, maybe when I am in doubt I should do nothing.

whatever you do moanin i really wish you all the best

I have been thinking all day about posting on this thread.

6 weeks ago we moved house and on the day that we moved I discovered I was pregnant. Well, it was more like I confirmed, I was already pretty sure. I had taken the MAP 2 weeks before.

Aside from the fact that we had just moved house, to another country where none of us spoke the language, I was pretty sure that I did not want another child. No, I was absolutely sure. Both DH and I have discussed this many times, I feel that the two that we have are enough, I had a bad pregnancy and traumatic birth with DS and am now terrified of giving birth again . Completely illogical but that is how it is. I also feel that I am often at the end of my tether with 2, although that is getting easier as they get older. I just do not want to go back to nappies and sleepless nights.

We talked about a termination, I was only 4 weeks pregnant so was seeing it more as similar to the MAP, just a couple of weeks later. The first thing I did when we arrived in our new home was find an English speaking gynae. I was lucky that I found a great doc and he was very good, talked me through the procedure and really made me think about if this was what I really wanted.

I don't know if I would have gone through with it, I think that I would have. As it was the decision was taken out of my hands as I had a missed m/c when I was 7 weeks.

The big difference is that I really did not want to be pregnant and I did not want the baby. I was not even thinking of it as a baby, it was not real for me.

I cannot imagine how much worse it must be when you want the babies and your DH does not.

I wish you the strength to make the decision that is right for you and right for your family.

not read most of this but a friend was in a similar situation (only her bf was married to someone else). She discovered twins at the pre-termination dating scan.
The man demanded she have an abortion. Luckily she didn't and the babies are 4 months old and while it is hard, and the man has fucked off, she delights in every second.

Mme x

I just gave birth to ds3 7 weeks ago. Dh made it clear that he thought we were done at 2 whereas I was open to having moe but accepted 2 was 'it'.

I considered all the options but , lie soupdragon and othersd on here, felt that i may regret terminating but would never regret having him.

DH csme round really quickly when i was pregnant and ds3 is just woonderful. I feel calmer and less stressed than i have in yers and am really enjoying the newborn stages which i found eally hard with the other two.

REaally think carefully about your optionsd. listen to your heart

I don't have anything else to offer, some great points made by lots of people - at the end of the day, it is down to the two of you

Just want to wish you all the luck in the world xxx

good luck moanin - wishing you all the best making your decision. re financial situation - don't rule out the possibility that it'll be dcs 4 & 5 who make the family millions and keep you in luxury in your old age . x

I don't have any advice but after just reading this thread my thoughts are with you. Nobody wants to have to make a decision like this.

Moanin- what a horrible dilemma for you. I hope you find the time to discuss this thoroughly with your dh and that he values your thoughts and feelings as much as you clearly do his.
My own personal experience which I don't know if is helpful- I am a twin and my dad didn't want us (there weren't any dcs before us so different from you) but mum persuaded him. He has never come round to the idea and his rejection has been incredibly painful particularly as a child. They divorced when we were 4 so he effectively 'left' our lives.

If your dh is already a good dad there is a high chance that this won't happen to you and I hope my story doesn't make you feel worse. Of course every situation and man is different. Do you know deep down whether he is likely to 'come round'?

Anyway wishing you luck. Its such a hard decision for you. XXX

You are considering having a termination for him and your marriage, but what is he considering to do for you and to save the marriage? You are in this together for good and bad times. It is worrying that you think not having an abortion could ruin your marriage. What if you do have one and the marriage does not succeed anyway, or you cant cope with it and that it self destroys the marriage. Having an abortion to save your marriage I just dont think should be an option. As many have said you need to really talk and probably with a counsellor, you really need to stress that you need support from him whatever you decide.
Sending you hugs

Sorry to ask the obvious.. have you considered giving them up for adoption? There are sooooooo many couples out there who would give anything for even one of your babies?
I am not for one second underestimating the difficulty a parent faces in putting a child up for adoption but won't that be easier to bear than termination?

Moanin - This is a horrible situation. I know because I was there a couple of years ago with ds2 though not with twins.

Dh had just lost his mother after a very protracted death with bowel cancer and his father had died a few years previously and our relationship was under great strain. I discovered I was pregnany with number three and it was too much for him, he was close to a nervous breakdown and he said he wanted me to have a termination and the implication was clear that he could not cope/stick around/ hold it together if I contunued with the pregnancy.

I was halfway through my masters degree and was fairly horrified myself but although I had to consider it I knew I didn't want a termination. I personally couldn't have continued with the relationship if I had done that against my will to save us and who knows if it would have saved us anyway and I felt torn apart with the risks, of tearing apart the family and contemplating the other two dcs not living with their father and whether he would have a breakdown or whether I would if I had to go through that.

I actually really didn't think he would stay. I accepted the prospect of being a single mum. I didn't blame him either, he was
in a very bad place and I was the stronger one anyway, I felt sorry for him, and myself of course.

I don't know when the change came about but we muddled along for a bit and at some point during the pregnancy things turned around. I gave him a LOT of space to grieve and be quiet, something I realise now he never had and slowly it improved to the point of transformation and the birth was extraordinarily bonding and we got married when he was three months old.

In my case it worked out for the best, particularly as I had to have a hysterectomy for cancer earlier this year and it seems like he was meant to be. I can't say do this or that I can only say how glad I am I chose to follow my heart and that it was the right choice for us. I really hope you can get through this and do what's right for you and that it all works out for you. I hope you can get the space and quiet to try and make the best decision for your family.

Don't terminate the pregnancy - you will most likely regret it and feel resentment towards your husband.

You will cope, and I'm sure your husband will come round to the idea - things will sort themselves out!

Good luck!!!

M
I have been reading this post and can understand what every1 has written but i just want to give u another example.
My best friend got pg at 17 and hid it from every1 until she was 37 weeks, she never had any doctors appts or scan or anything to make sure baby was ok as she was so scared of her parents finding out, she had no partner to support her and felt she was alone, anyway baby was perfectly fine and has grown in2 a fine young man BUT she has been with her fiancee for 8 years now and for the past 4 has been trying for a baby unsuccessfully, suffering 5 miscarriages and undergoing lots of fertility treament, her mental state is at breaking point as all she wants is a baby and to feel what she should have felt the first time. Its not happening and like so many other couples she would kill for a baby or two. To think that you have already had 3 successful pregancys and another possible one which you are thinking of terminating would absolutely kill her and so many others, now im not trying to guilt you into anything but if financially and emotionally another 2 babies would cause you stress please dont abort them, give them to a family who desperately wants them and help another woman become the mother you are. i might add that im 5 weeks pregnant at the moment and have been having trouble so im also willing my baby to survive and could never abort.

My thoughts are with you and your dh at this time and in no way am i trying to make your decision harder but i really felt i needed to say this.