Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

It would also be wise to take into account that you would be a single mum, as it's very unlikely your partner would want to be involved.

Well, if she goes ahead with it he will very much be involved as the child will start to seek out his/her dad as he/she gets older.

You'll be tied to him for life OP if you go ahead with the pregnancy.

Wishing you all the best. I'm a solo mum myself (and we have a great relationship with his dad's wider family).

I don't disagree with a lot of what you have said.

However, I also don't agree with lots of posters who on MN always say' Keep the child you will regret it otherwise' because also on MN there are many sad threads from women who regret having children, even in far better circumstances.

I think OP needs to talk to a counsellor, in person, rather than ask here.

It sounds like you want this baby. So on that basis alone, it would be hard to tell anyone to abort. I know you said you'd be doing it alone though in all likelihood and that is a strong consideration.

Also your age is a factor. You don't have decades of fertility ahead of you for if you decided at some point in the future you do want a baby.

This …. Sometimes you have to let your heart rule

This. It’s your body and your baby. Your partner might change his mind and it could then be too late for you. He already has a child so has no urgency. I made it very clear to my DH when we started sleeping together, that if I ever got pregnant accidentally I would not consider a termination and it would not be up for discussion at all, so you need to think about what you want over a longer timescale, I was told by my (worked in fertility) GP that past 35ish there is no “perfect time” to have a baby really, there are always reasons to delay but the decision past that age is more “do I want a baby ever”, as time really can run out.
I had both my dc older than you, first one at 41, second at 43. I was married so not the same situation, but 40 isn’t an especially unusual age to have a baby.

Are you mad, at 40 this will probably be her last chance to do it, she won't be having a baby at 80 or 90 FFS

You’ve got time. Don’t rush into anything.

At 40 I think if I was you I would probably see this as likely your only/ last chance to have a baby.

Do what you feel is right. I wouldn’t be too swayed by what the father says if you want this. He has a biological child so it’s easier for him to say.

I don’t think you would be trying again with him a year or 2 later, will probably be the end of the relationship.

So don’t act in haste. Plan for that you might be solo parenting. He might surprise you and if you continue pregnancy be a good dad/ partner. Plan for not when you make your decision - just in case.

I do get it from his POV - not wanting to be starting over at 53 when he’s 5 years from having an adult child.

That doesn’t mean you should do what he wants though. Good luck x

It could be your only chance and you will spend a life tine regretting it if you dont.

Take a couple of weeks. You still have time - and you can’t have found out more than a few weeks ago so this must still be very new and raw. This is a huge situation and you don’t have to make a decision right now.

Neither might seem easy or clear right now but whatever you decide will be the right choice in the end, as my grandfather would say - because it is the choice you will make and it will be done. But make sure it is the choice YOU make.

As others have said, this relationship will not survive this so you need to do what is right for you if you termiate what could be your only chance at motherhood you will resent him for it.

🤣 I read that as poster saying you will be this baby’s mum for 40-50 years. So have the baby.

This. I'm afraid you have to be practical as well as 'trusting your heart', or whatever other idealistic stuff people seems to be saying. I think you have to assume that the father won't be there for you. He may come around to the situation, but the decision you make needs to be based on the worst case scenario. Do you have anyone you can lean on for help, can you get local nursery care, and what's your work situation like with regard to maternity. Do you have any savings to tide you over during any time off for pregnancy? Also, does the father have any money to pay child support, and how does he treat his 13 year old and their support? Having a baby alone is very hard, and you need to think very carefully about the reality of it.

Honestly, people really need to stop with the ' do you want a ten year old when you are 50' shit.

What do you think happens to people in their 50s? Do you think we are all on zimmers and have dementia?

I am 53 with a ten year and its bloody great! I love being his mum and hanging out with him. Why wouldn't it be fantastic just because I am 53? What is it exactly that you think I cannot do as a parent and a human that I could do at 43??

I have been told by a therapist that having an abortion unless you're absolutely certain of it can cause significant psychological distress further down the line, and resentment towards your partner which it is then difficult to overcome.

Could you do it alone? You don’t sound very confident on the longevity of the relationship anyway, so maybe just consider if you would be happy being a single mum . As you said , this may be your only shot at parenthood . If you can afford it it’s not totally impossible to be a single parent as you can get child minders, Nannie’s, schools provide good wrap around care. It will be exhausting but also rewarding if you want to be a parent..

open to discussing trying again in the future

That would be a silly gamble for you if you really would like a baby imo.

You have a baby now.

This.

Or, in my experience of friends, they get pregnant again soon after.

100% Have your baby if you want a baby, and it sounds like you do.
this man is pressuring you into an abortion which is completely unacceptable. This would be the end of the relationship for me.
different scenario but I had my third baby the week I turned 44, no regrets.

If you want the baby keep the baby.

You're 40, men come and go and so does fertility. Have a good think, completely independent of your relationship, about whether you want this baby.

I'm pro choice but it has to be a real choice, it has to be what you want, not what a recent boyfriend wants, father or not.

If you want to keep the baby you should keep it. You almost certainly won't get another chance to have a baby, given your age. I really don't think you'll ever regret it - in fact it's quite likely you'll look at the baby/child multiple times over the years and not be able to believe how close they came to not existing. That's how I'd feel anyway.

I was also 53 with a ten year old, and now I am 62 with a 19 year old and I love it. It’s so much fun, absolute joy having my young adult dc.

This seems very surprising of them, with you being their only child.

I too will be 50 with a 10-year-old and I love it. Can’t imagine having teens and young adults at this stage and hanging up the parenting shoes anytime soon! I’m just getting started!

I really don’t know why it’s such a terrible thing on MN. 50 seems to be seen as ready for a care home on here!

I think it’s fairly likely your relationship will end no matter what decision you make. If you feel heartbroken at the thought of terminating the pregnancy then you may feel resentful to your partner if you do, as really it sounds like it’s him that wants you to terminate. I get the feeling that if he was keen then you’d be happy not to terminate. The idea of waiting for a while and trying again is just a dangling carrot for you - realistically you are 40 and may never have another chance to have a baby.

I think you should have some counselling and think about if you can cope with being a single parent. It can be easier than having a partner sometimes - you don’t have to compromise on any decisions and if you’re financially ok then you can buy in help.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.