Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

Could you afford to bring it up by yourself if necessary?
If so, I'd keep it. A wonderful accident.
(I'm not against abortion, by the way.)

You should definately keep the baby. You will regret it if you dont. Dont factor him into it at all.

HUN I am begging you not to go through with this!
I got back with my now long term partner, he had a daughter age 5 at the time and I fell pregnant about a year after being back together, he thought it was the wrong time and I went ahead with the termination. We got our own place, then started trying for a baby, didn't get pregnant, tried IVF but failure.
I was devastated and to this day I still am that we never had a baby, it took it's toil on me but at the age of 56 I finally came to terms but it still comes into my thoughts. I love my stepdaughter but it's not the same and sometimes it hurts all the more that he had that experience of a child with someone else.
I know people mentioned can you afford a child etc but please weight up all the pros and cons.

Please don't get me wrong, we are still together and are so happy and have a wonderful life but I just always wonder what sort of mum I would have been 😊

I’m the same age and had a recent termination. I felt the same as you but my partner didn’t want it and I didn’t want to do it alone so went ahead with termination after a week of discussion. I found it awfully hard to take the pill and then we both had overwhelming grief. We are now trying as he is belatedly on board. Take some time to consider it, the way you feel now has told you a lot. Have you got a good support network if your relationship doesn’t work out? Could you thrive as a single parent? Good luck.

I feel for you.

What about your job? Could you afford hired help? I think you'll need it if you're going to keep the baby. I also think this could be your last chance to have one.

The thought of ending the pregnancy and never conceiving again is heartbreaking.
You are terrified of making a decision you will regret.
You feel an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy.
I really do think you know in your heart which decision is right for YOU.

Have your baby and terminate the relationship. Good luck to you x

Your post makes me think you would regret a termination and may never get over it. I had a friend who had a termination, different situation, she was only 17, single still at home with her parents and going to college. She still regrets it now 30 years on.

Keep the baby if you want to have it. Easier to be a single parent than live with the ongoing regret.

I brought up three very young children alone , every day they bring me joy. If you want your baby have your baby .

I got pregnant after 5 months with my husband!! Was absolutely terrified and so shocked.

But we are now (luckily) very happily married and couldn’t even begin to imagine my life any different, without our amazing 11 year old.
We never managed to have anymore babies, despite trying for years and one devastating loss, so glad we pushed forward and took our only chance. If we hadn’t of worked out together, we would have still had our son and made it work out somehow 💙

Realistically, he’s 53 now he isn’t going to want to try again in future, it’s just something he’s saying because he wants you to have the termination. And for him it’s the right decision. And you’ll be older too. Would you be ok if in the future he said no? Or you couldn’t conceive?

I wasn't bothered about having children, not maternal in the slightest. I had a baby because my husband really wanted to be a dad.

During pregnancy something changed, and my feelings grew alongside the baby. When she was born it was like 'bam' all my maternal feelings arrived together. We've had another since, and although parenting has been the hardest thing I've done, it's also been the best.

I wouldn't give up a child that you want for a man.

He's too old to have children now. It's a relatively new relationship, so can't you find someone more your age?

Yes, at exactly your age. It was a new relationship and when I told him he said “what about my children?” Referring to his two born children who only stayed at the weekends. His reaction really signalled the end of the relationship.

five years on and I’ve a partner 11 years younger. He’s been nothing short of supportive and invested in our baby from the get go, arranging scans and getting me the support I need.

There's nothing wrong with him not wanting a baby. There's nothing wrong with you keeping the baby. He's had his say. You have to make the decision based on what your wants and needs are.

It sounds like you want to keep it OP. I had a termination in my late 20s, and I remember thinking that I didn’t want a baby, but I didn’t want to not have a baby either.

I had a termination at 38, never wanted children all my life, was terrified at being pregnant but started to feel like you describe, protective towards the baby. I overrode those feelings to have an abortion. I was utterly devastated afterwards. The sense of loss, emptiness and unbelievable emotional pain was overwhelming, as well as guilt and self-hatred. I had a really, really profound sense of my empty womb, of what had been there and now was not. Its hard to describe but it was a terrible feeling. I'm not religious but would desperately wish at night for a miracle to put the baby back, or for the abortion to have failed. I would look at high buildings and consider throwing myself off them. At night I would wake and hear a baby crying alone just on the edge of my hearing. The whole experience was traumatic and I still feel guilt if I think about it, nearly 15 years later.

I was extremely lucky in that I was able to conceive by choice with the same partner in about a year and had another child three years after that.

Your partner is an idiot to say he may consider having a child with you at a later date when your fertility will rapidly decline.

I don't know what the right choice is for you, and raising a child alone will be hard if your partner leaves you, but I do think an abortion when you feel as you do in your pregnancy will be extremely traumatic.

I think your relationship is doomed either way. Unless he’s a useless abusive dickhead this is likely your only chance to be a mum if that’s what you want and all goes well.
I’m very pro choice - but it sounds like you would like to have this child?

Don’t do anything for now OP. Just take some time. Cancel the appointment. Tell your partner you are considering what your decision will be and then allow yourself to truly feel whatever you are feeling and allow yourself to make this decision.

Don’t factor him ‘potentially one day wanting to try for a baby’ into your decision.

Frankly, you’re pregnant & you’re protective of the pregnancy. You want the baby. I would be surprised if having the child is something you live to regret.

He sounds like a bit of a twit tbh.

The priority should not be YOU and whether you want a baby (which was unplanned) but if you can provide a stable and loving home for a child who may or may not know its father.

This was an 'accident' we assume so there was no plan to have a child together. Were either of you using contraception? If not, what did he think might happen?

Will he provide finance for 18 years? Will he want to see his child?
How will you manage work and childcare?
Do you want to be 'tied' to this man for life, as he's the baby's father?

Maybe look at it another way. You could if you wanted to have a child with donor sperm. There would be no relationship (perhaps) with that man and you'd be 100% responsible for your child. Is that something you'd choose?

That’s a fuck ton of questions for someone five weeks pregnant who has an abortion booked, calm down, take a breath, these are things she needs to work out.

and as for the unprotected sex, it’s not just what he thought would happen, also what she thought, and she’s not said unprotected sex, people seem to think thays the only way you get pregnant, news flash it’s not. Contraceptive failures is a thing,

right now she doesn’t even know if she will proceed, at five weeks she doesn’t know if rhe pregnancy is even viable, never mind having the answer to all your questions.

What if this is the only chance you will get to have a baby?

40 is no where near too old.

Just because he says no, does not mean you won't regret the termination afterwards.

I understand this is a difficult time and wish you nothing but the best in this difficult situation.