Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

I have to agree! I'm 43 with a 5 and 8 yr old, if I found out I was pregnant if have another (although we're actively preventing because I have recurrent miscarriages and most pregnancies have ended up being just horrible medical events) half the parents of my son's class are 50 ish. Some are in 29s and 30s but they are the minority.

shes VERY unlikly to get pregnant again shortly after, shes in her 30s and already said she didnt think she could.

In your position I am pretty sure I would have the baby.

You’d be MAD to terminate. Look he has a kid, he doesn’t care. You don’t and you feel protective over your baby, and you’re 40! Don’t say “given our ages” - he’s 13 years older than you, he’s nowhere near your age bracket!

considering you haven’t been together a long time and he’s not wanting to be a dad (hopefully he was using condoms🙄) and you sound like you want this baby, I highly suggest telling him you aborted and breaking up with him and having your baby by yourself

I know I’ll get slated but he doesn’t want to be a dad so it’s unlikely this will work. Go see the coparenting threads to understand why you should make sure he doesn’t feature in your and your child’s life as an unwilling dad

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together

Life really shouldn't work like this. This is a baby, not a jumper from M&S that you can return this week, but buy again next month if you have a change of heart.

He has all the time in the World to have more babies, as there is no body clock ticking for him. You, on the other hand, absolutely do not. At your age, I suspect that it's this baby or no baby.

Where are his feelings about you in all of this? He got you pregnant, and now wants to call the shots, regardless of the emotional turmoil that that may have on you.

I would do what you want to do. You could terminate, and he could leave you next month anyway. 50% of marriages fail, so every woman on the planet risks being a single Mum when she gets pregnant, there are categorically no guarantees!

My Mum really didn't want to be pregnant when she fell pregnant with me. She was only 23 and only just married. Money was tight, very tight. But she went ahead and I was born fit & healthy. Over the next few years, she lost about 7 babies and had two born who died within weeks. What they didn't know, is that they carried a very dangerous genetic disease. It's a miracle that I wasn't born with it too. So, it's not just a case of, let's get rid of this baby, and just get pregnant later on with another healthy baby - life isn't always that easy! Especially when both parents are getting on a bit.

If he'd leave you high and dry dyou want him anyway? If that's his stance end the relationship regardless of your pregnancy choice.

For us we've built our village (sorry, so twee) through friendships and other parents met along the way.

Keep the baby if you want it. You will be able to build a support network through NCT, coffee mornings and toddler groups. This may be your only chance to have a baby as you are already 40 and it will be harder the older you get.

OP there is no later. This is your chance to be a mother and most likely to be your only chance.

Put your feelings about your partner aside. You don't know him enough. He has a child already. He doesn't want one with you so I don't think he is that invested in the relationship.

Focus on what you want. Sounds like you want a child despite your previous feelings about motherhood.

Maybe it just didn't happen for you before for whatever reason. It's happened now so grab life by the horns and go for it. Your partner can be involved or not involved as much as he wants. You can do this. You will look at your baby and won't believe you almost had a termination.

Go for it. Good Luck and Congratulations 🎉

Balance of power is important, until its a man in question then it means nothing.

Unless she was forced, that part is entirely equal and as a result irrelevant. But she can terminate, he cannot. Balance of power puts the choice objectively as hers only, therefore the choice to have the child is objectively not his. So she is making the decision for him.

The trouble is, even if they don’t hear about the baby through the grapevine, the child might want to know about their dad and I think it might be harmful to lie to the chikd about it. Also be aware the dads can decide to turn up after all and cause havoc.

.

I have children know the slog it is and wouldn’t want a 10 year old now that I'm 50.

Just my opinion!

I'm glad I'm not the only one that finds this annoying. It's obviously good to plan for the future and think about things, but most of the time these comments come from people who've already raised children and they personally would find it tiring to start all over again. Even on the threads where the OP already has a baby or toddler and then has a surprise pregnancy you see this comment again and again, I mean they're already going to be an older mum anyway 😂

Agree with this. I got pregnant at 43, it was my one and only chance and I miscarried, I’d have done anything to keep it as a single mum. It sounds like you want to keep the baby, so put that first.

I don’t think your relationship is going to survive this whatever you choose.

What you need to ask yourself now, is when you split up with him do you want to have had an abortion or do you want to have a baby?

Bear in mind he does not have to have anything to do with a child, but the law says he still has to financially support you so you will have back up. X

She means that she’ll have all that time to be a mum to this child and should prioritise that future over a 10 month relationship with a 53 year old boyfriend.

Follow your instincts.

Wow, I can’t beleive this advice, he said he’s not keen, that’s all, to purposefully deprive a child of knowing who their father is, to deprive him of knowing he’s got another child and giving him a choice, is shocking,

Unbelievable.

Many women are having their first in their late 30s or at 40.

Fifty is not old.

If you feel old at 50, you need to address that.

You should have trouble believing he got her pregnant with his penis to then say yeah no abort it like it’s an M&S jumper he changed his mind about as someone else rightly put it. The level of your misogyny is shocking.

I'm pro-choice, i've had an abortion that i don't regret for a second since the minute it was done.

But it sounds like you will regret.....

Realistically there's a high probability this is your only chance to be a mother. So it's entirely up to what YOU want, trust your own feelings.

Apart from the fact that you want it , so what are talking about here….. OP doesn’t it put you off that he’s trying to get you to get rid something you really want ?

how the hell can you continue to be with him? Honestly that’s so off putting !

If you decide you want it keep it, but also respect that he may not want the day to day responsibilities or your relationship may not be long term pregnancy or not.

I don't think they are saying, that at 50 they feel old! By the time I was 46, both of my children had left home. I didn't feel old at 50, but similarly, having done 23 years of child rearing by the time I was 50, I wouldn't have wanted a small child at that age. From 50 onwards I've really been focusing on retirement and what comes next. Still feel young at 57!

If that is what that poster meant that her comment was clearly not relevant to OP,. or the thread, as OP has never had a child so has not got ' 23 years' or whatever of child rearing under her belt.

So if that was where she was coming from, it just wasn't a very bright comment, was it?