Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

If you want to go for it and have the baby then do. His "open to discussing trying again in the future maybe" or whatever it was is future faking, he'll make damn sure that doesn't happen one way or another.

yeah…because there are no parents out there who regret having kids….

Op yes I think as you’ve said, reframe as a question of whether you want to be a single mum. Because I would also be concerned about your partner’s age in all this. He will be well into his 60s while your child is still at primary school.

I have not read all comments - but I can see from your intro -you really want this baby - I hope you follow your heart x

He is 53 so there's no way the idea of a baby is going to get more attractive as he gets older!

If you're able to go it alone - and you'll find a way - then I'd go for it if that's what your heart is telling you.

Keep the baby, ditch the man.

life is much more nuanced than that, the op hasn’t even said what measures they were taking,

Why are you having a termination if you are heartbroken at the thought.

For me the relationship would end at the utter selfishness of a 53 year old man who tells a 40 year old woman to have an abortion now and he might consider having a baby later.

I'm not an older mum so can't comment from that perspective, but I fell pregnant with my first at 24, 9 months into our relationship, with me being at the start of my career too. There was never any doubt for me; I was having the baby regardless (I have a medical condition which can lower the chances of ever becoming pregnant) . My partner was happy though and supportive. We've now been together nearly 15 years and married for most of them, with two other children as well as the first. But I wouldn't have hesitated to carry on alone if I'd needed to. Our eldest needs extra support due to learning difficulties so it hasn't been an easy road but he made me a mum and I'm so grateful.

I would say if you're questioning your decision see if you can speak to a professional and talk things through with them, the practical side as well as the emotions attached.

He's left the decision to her, with the vague promise of rethinking starting a family together, "somewhere down the line", which is crap. What's the difference, between now, and one or two years later, when both of them, are older, and the risks are higher, to her? If he was absolutely clear, saying he really didn't want a baby, then that gives OP a clearer picture, with which to make her decision. If she terminates now, and the "maybe a while later" doesn't materialise, what then? She deserves absolute clarity. Again, I'd be interested to see what measures he took to prevent an unplanned pregnancy. Probably none.

This is really sound advice re therapy. I went with Mothering Minds - no waitlist.

Have the baby.

I was told in my late teens that I would never conceive naturally - lots of gynae issues.

Anyway, I got pregnant at 25! I’d only been seeing the father a couple of months but I decided I was having the baby with or without him - made it clear he could be as involved as he wants or not involved at all. Like you - I thought it might be my only chance naturally.

It’s your body - many mothers go it alone and are absolutely fine

If you feel devastated at the thought of ending the pregnancy don’t rush to do it because once it’s done there’s no going back.
If your DP said to you he was happy with the pregnancy and would support you, would you still be considering a termination? If the answer is no then you need to not think about what he wants and think about what you want.

Sounds like you don’t want a termination.

Don't spend the rest of your life regretting what you could have had, or resenting your partner if having the baby is what you want and who's to say he'll stick around to 'try again'?

Do what YOU want to do.

It's a hard choice.

I don't think you should be swayed by your partner saying he isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future.

Sorry to be blunt, but there is no guarantee you could have a baby in future even if he is sincere about possibly wanting to try again further into your relationship.

I think you should be very honest with yourself about do you want* *this baby. If you do then I would go ahead with the pregnancy, even though it will be hard at times.

Have your baby. It's your life.

I was 41 and my husband 59 when my son was born. Unplanned. He’s at a RG university and doing well. Best thing that ever happened to me. We sent him to nursery and just about every youth activity there was to mitigate being only child of older parents. It was a struggle financially but we got there. I was a teacher and often met older parents at parents evenings. There’s more of us than you think. Please ask me if you’ve any questions OP.

If you’re really not sure.. don’t abort. You may well not find yourself in a situation where you will get pregnant again.

One of my best mates gave birth at 40, she & her husband had tried for years & were about to do IVF then she fell naturally.. her daughter is now a lovely girl of 11.

But I don’t feel you need to be married or even in a relationship to have a baby these days.. plenty of women all ages choose to or have to go it alone.
If I’d had no complex health problems at 40 I’d have done that too!!

it's okay to have a baby and it's okay to not go ahead. it has to be your own decision because it is your body. a few things to consider 1) can you manage as a single parent? that means school holidays, wrap around care, paying for that care and what that means for your job. 2) do you have stability, a home that is big enough and a support system? 3) noone ever really thinks about the chance of a disabled child but it's a very real possibility. That could mean something like being neurodiverse or having a condition that is life limiting? can you handle that alone? it's always better to consider these things as if your a single parent because you just never know what will happen. babies put pressure on relationships anyway so a new relationship and given the age of your both I'd consider all of these things very carefully.

OP, I hope you take time to think through what you really want to do. As others said, take him out of equitation here.

His promise to try later is a red herring.

It might be your only chance to become a mother, so do not let anyone else to make a decision for you.

And you know that you can cancel an appointment and book a new one later if it was needed.

If you want it keep your baby chances are you won’t conceive again. Didn’t you have the baby talk before you got together ?

The pregnancy is very early - all I’d say is please think about it. Think about how you’d feel if you did terminate and kindve let that guide you what to do. No one can ever prepare you for children, but ultimately I don’t think anyone regrets children.

but really good luck to you in whatever you decide x

In your shoes I would take pregnancy vitamins, book an appointment with GP. Don’t make any quick decisions, also be mindful of age related pregnancy risks and additional screening. If you want to go ahead with this pregnancy then do.

I had my DC at 38, no family in area and I’ve now got great parent friends, met through NCT/baby Groups, then nursery then school. One of my Mum friends had 1st at 41 and second at 45.

Don't terminate because he doesn't want it. This is a decision only YOU can make. FWIW, I had my only dc at 44 (pregnant at 43). Be kind to yourself