Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

Not ok.

Please don't terminate. It will be the biggest regret of your life. Trust me I'm speaking from personal experience. It ruined my life all because my ex didn't want the baby. We split up anyway.
If you can afford to support and care for a baby on your own then absolutely do it. You'll never ever regret it but the alternative is unimaginable.

Be honest the relationship is over. Do what works for you. He isn't going to change xx

ODFOD

Oh my gosh. Forget about your partner in this - you may never forgive him if your heart is saying you want to keep this baby. You will always be wondering what if. This is what I am reading from your post. Your body, your choice xx

You don’t need a support network. You are a 40 year old adult woman.

If you want a baby have one, don’t regret a termination - take life and seize the day.

I had my planned son at 41. He’s 13 now and he’s fab.

During the next 12 months after I found out I was pregnant I divorced, moved and I raised him pretty much alone although he has some contact with his dad.

You can have this baby if you want and he was choose to be involved or not. What he doesn’t get to decide is whether or not you proceed.
That is on you. If you want a baby as scary as it might be - do it.

In your scenario don’t have an abortion for a fake promise of you can try for another maybe next year - have this one.

So sorry yoy are going through such a hard time..but dont be forced into an abortion,realistically this probably is your last chance to have a baby, to be a mum,your fertility has been sharply declining over last few years. I understand you are considering his wants,but you need to point out this is probably last chance to be a mum,would he really want to be responsiblefor taking that away from you,hes a dad already. If he is open to doing it in future, why not now,the baby is already on its way.it already exists.Theres no guarantee that your relationship will last with or without pregnancy carrying on. If you dont want the baby that's your choice,it's your body and you that has to go through either decision, it's not a time to people please,you have to do what ferls livable with for you in this situation...I wish you well x.........I had my first baby at 18,and my last at 37,I was definitely a better parent at 37 and beyond

Ps Support networks are made.

At nurseries, in maternity wards, at the school gates, at NCT etc etc

A work colleague had his first child at 53, his wife was 43. They went on to have another child - the eldest has been diagnosed as autistic and they are convinced that the younger one is the same. They're both running on fumes.

It's not liked on MN when you mention this but it's highly risky with your combined ages and I would be very concerned about neurodiversity. It's a horrid decision to have to make regardless.

I was in a similar position. Only 3 months into new relationship. I had the baby. Never regretted it. My body, my choice. The father pissed off anyway. I was fine.

I would not underestimate the challenges of raising a child as a single mum and entering menopause as your child becomes a teenager. I would not want to do that without a supportive partner.

He has an opinion. But he doesn’t have a choice.

I remember an abortion dr telling my ex that….

it was the best thing he could of heard as he was floored.

Op you say money isn’t an issue, average nursery costs are approx 1600 a month, obviously when funding kicks in it reduces a bit

can yoh afford it, also can you work out what a cms claim will be from him , are you in secure housing, is your job the sort that allows you to do drop off and pick up, do you get a years maternity pay etc,

all these things need to be thought through over the next few weeks or months and get comfortable with them whatever you decide,

Not to the extent the op needs and you know it,

Keep the baby, ditch the man.

Agreed.

keep the baby. This might be your only chance and you can’t undo. It sounds like you want it.

I have to disagree with this a bit.

Having a support system makes a massive difference.

You only have to come on here and see the multiple threads about parents struggling for childcare.

Not being able to stay out overnight for the next 14+ years or having to pay for a babysitter just to go out for an evening is a PITA

My friend had her baby at 38 and has an involved partner but still struggles.

It can be done.
I did it as a teenager but I can’t lie it was incredibly difficult and I missed out on a lot of things such as friends, experiences, jobs etc because of it.

Having money and a solid career will definitely help but I would be focusing on finding parents in a similar situation and being each others support systems.

You’ll love your baby forever. Your partner, maybe not.

Erm.....where is your evidence that autism is linked to parental age?
2 of my 3 DC are not NT and I had them in my 20s.

Fine to prioritise heart over head, but keep in mind that feeling protective of a pregnancy is a primal reaction, entirely natural but not necessarily in keeping with the options and lifestyles we take for granted in a developed society.

I had an accidental pregnancy in my 20s with a partner who made it clear he wouldn't be there for me if I decided to go ahead. My circumstances weren't great in terms of going it alone and a termination seemed the only sensible course of action. It was early days and I had time to think about it a bit more, and was shocked by exactly the sense of protectiveness you describe. When a car roared past trailing exhaust fumes, I reflexively turned my head and paused breathing, so as to protect "my baby". I went to Boots to buy folic acid, feeling a weird mix of secretive, guilty and sentimental. All sorts of small, maternal actions that were emotional, yes, but also hormonally and physiologically driven

The truth is, I didn't want to have a termination - but neither did I want a baby, still less 20+ years of parenthood. I was lucky in a way because I had a miscarriage, which took the decision out of my hands. I never forgot that baby, but the reality is that if I hadn't miscarried I would have terminated, and it would have been the right decision.

No matter what is a stupid thing to say. It actually very much matters.

You can Google there is an increased risk of autism and other conditions with an older male.

I’m 40 and my husband is 45. I had an unplanned pregnancy last year and felt the same way, as neither of us had children. I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, and I’m glad I did, although it’s been hard. My husband has struggled a lot with the adjustment, and it has put additional strain on our relationship. I think it really depends on your relationship and the support system you have around you. Personally, I couldn’t and wouldn’t choose to do it alone, so having that support is something I think is really important to consider.

Think really carefully. I had a termination at your age (i already had children) even though in my heart i knew i wanted the baby. I still regret it many years later. You seem to want this baby. If you do, don't let your partner sway your decision.

I would consider carefully if you’d manage ND’s as a single parent - all the kids I know with issues are from older fathers. They are hard work and I know I wouldn’t manage even a day as their mothers have to (fathers have left…)
It sounds very much like you might be doing this alone, which is probably better to assume that and then if he does step up as a father thats a bonus.