Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

I had a termination at 28. I knew I wanted children in the future, just not then, and I didn't question the decision for a second, nor have I ever regretted it.

I'm sharing that because a few people have mentioned hormones swaying you to keep the baby, and I don't think that's always the case. I think if you're devastated by the thought of a termination, you shouldn't be terminating - at least not until you've thought about it for longer.

Also I'm 41, now expecting my second and have no qualms about how I'll be spending my 50s/60s etc 😃

Aw, keep the baby. I had one at 40 unexpectedly and so pleased. Has given me a more robust body in the end and a deeper joy.

Keep your baby.

Honestly, have the baby. An abortion dosnt sound right for you.

But he's not being 'forced' into the position he put himself in.

Although I will concede he would be forced to remain in the position, but again, he put himself there!

I want to be really honest here.

I am not in the same situation as I have DC but quite a few years ago.

I never, ever want anymore.
For years I have had no doubt in my mind that I would terminate.
I had a very traumatic experience and nothing would ever change my mind.

But then I got pregnant a few months ago and I booked the termination straight away - but then I started really struggling with the decision!
I literally had to force myself to have the termination and I found it very difficult.
I have zero regrets about it now though.

I wonder if our hormones make us want to keep it or something.

So I would be trying to figure out - do you actually want a baby or is it the termination that you don’t want - two very different things.

I doubt your relationship would last, so can you imagine going through the birth, the newborn phase, toddlers, school and so on?
Can you imagine yourself always having another little person there for the next 20+ years?

If this is something you want, then I say go for it!

Keep the baby. Get rid of the partner if necessary. This could be your only chance.

You've been imaging a life without children and it's looked good to you, that suggests that children, even this child, will not give you the huge emotional boost they need to to over come the sacrifices that children require and still really enjoy your life.

If you haven't been wanting a baby, thought about how you'd be happy with the changes to your free time being focused almost exclusively on a child, your spare money going into making their life the best, you holidays focused on what entertains them, etc. then ignore the temporary hormone impact on your emotions and go ahead with the abortion.

I’d make the decision for you without the idea of your partner there at all (whichever way things go). Even take sone time away from him if you can to get your head round it all. It’s your body and you don’t have to go with his preference on this.

Be aware that things may not go back to ‘normal’ even if you terminate. You may feel terribly resentful. I would keep the baby if you feel protective towards it.

This is YOUR decision. If you want this baby then have it.

What? He didn’t tell her to abort. At no stage has she said this, she’s said he’s not keen, no more.

Not me but I know someone who got pregnant at 40 after seeing a bloke for about a month. She decided to keep it and he was reluctant. She said he could go with no guilt but he stayed. He fell in love with the baby and they married. But the marriage went wrong after a couple of years. But they're both glad they had the baby.

My actual advice: have the baby, you seem like you want to.

It could be the end of your relationship anyway, if you choose to keep a baby that DP doesn't want, or if you terminate against your wishes to keep him happy.

So I'd try to take DP out of the situation, and think what would you want to do then? Good luck.

I would go with gut feeling but also try to think practically about how you would manage if you had a baby with no support whatsoever.

Take some time to decide.

Stop that nonsense

I was 34 with a surprise pregnancy, we went in for a consultation of options and the doctor said that although it was obviously a surprise, if we aborted and tried again in a year or two there were no guarantees it would happen again that easily. For full context we kept it and had no strugges with a subsequent pregnancy, but it's the "you never know" that made that decision for us. Ultimately, if you keep it and he leaves, would you want to or be able to support yourself and a child?

He definitely is trying to cajole you into abortion.

What a prick though, imagine being that age and still being the sort of cunt that won’t do your own contraception.

If he dropped dead tonight OP and you had a free choice at this- what would you choose?

Yes I terminated in the same situation. It was the correct and responsible thing to do in my situation and I’d never actually wanted children. I felt incredibly protective of the pregnancy as my hormones went crazy. I was mid-30s for reference.
I didn’t terminate until around 12wks due to the hospital messing me around but it was fine. I am a head over heart person though and weighed up all the possible circumstances first re finances, work, the fact my family wouldn’t have helped, did I even know the bloke properly really???

It took a few months for my hormones to settle down but once they did I had no regrets and know it was still the right thing to do. We did stay together and eventually married. We did have another child but I should have stayed child free (obviously I wouldn’t get rid of her now but if I had my time again I’d have made sure there weren’t any kids). I felt too old at 38 and I’m knackered all the time these days.

Give yourself permission to keep the baby, this tends to help make the decision. Working from the certainty of a termination will only make you long for what you are losing. Accept the possibility of keeping the baby and see how you feel.

If you can see a way to keep your baby, even without him, do so. Otherwise you will look back and think "what if", "I should have" etc. Loving your baby at this stage is a sure sign you know what your decision should be.

I had my last baby at 42. Not saying it was easy, but doable. Don't abort b/o your age, and certainly not for the father's sake. Do look into prenatal screening if you're worried, but be aware that the conditions most strongly associated with advanced paternal age can't to my knowledge be screened for.

You sound to me like you want to keep the baby. If so, do. All the best.

Do you think he won't love the child and be a good dad, do his fair share - even if you don't stay together as a couple?