Am I being unreasonable with not wanting visitors for a bit?

[makeupgirlie]

So I’m due in a week.
I am not too keen on having visitors after baby is born for a minimum of 3 weeks. I want the first few weeks to be able to recover and let baby settle in.
Everyone is understandably excited for the baby. But I have felt very overwhelmed by my partners family in particular throughout my whole pregnancy. They are always wanting to know every detail, why I have gone to the hospital and what my appointments are for. God forbid you don’t tell my partners dad and he gets annoyed by it. Anyway I am happy for grandparents to see baby first, maybe in hospital but I don’t really want everyone picking baby up or at least not for long. But when home u just want a few weeks just me, baby and partner. Is this unreasonable?

Not unreasonable although I found it easier to let everyone (grandparents, aunts and uncles) visit in hospital as people never stay that long there then ask everyone to give us a couple of weeks to settle at home.

Not unreasonable to want some time but that doesn't mean it'll go down well!

No you're not unreasonable to want some time to recover, adapt to new mum life and bond with your baby. Ask your Health Visitor for advice or if necessary a ban on visitors for how ever many weeks.

Why 3 weeks?

Apparently it's very fashionable.

It's not for me but we're all different so it's your choice.

If you don't want people asking questions about your medical appointments, why are you telling them when you have them?

Yanbu. Hormones can do funny things and a mum's instinct to protect her newborn is very powerful.

My hormones were all over the place after ds was born and I didn't want anyone near ds except me or his dad. I wasn't even keen on the midwives getting too close but they thankfully recognised it and were careful.

I felt angry, overwhelmed and verging on aggressive at other visitors. I was rude to some of them. It was a bit scary and unnerving but, I am told, not that unusual.

Don't worry if that happens, it wears off quite quickly, and your midwife will understand.

Yanbu. It's reasonable to be left to recover from birth in peace.

Grandparents probably won’t be thrilled to not see the baby for three weeks, but your rules are your rules. Personally I’d let them come for a short (1 hour max) visit at some point during the first few days to meet the baby and then be done with it, makes it easier. Also totally reasonable to tell wider family and friends that you’ll let them know when you’re ready.

Tbh I wouldn't bother to visit after +3 weeks if mum and baby are healthy. Don't be so precious.

I think it is becoming the new normal. Why 3 weeks? Usually it is a week or two?

I think it is a little harsh to make family and close friends wait but your baby- your rules.

Your baby, your body, your home, your choice.

Unfortunately the way the world is you will need to be prepared to be tenacious about it.

We welcomed baby #3 a few days ago and I'm fiercely protecting the bubble this time. I wasn't bothered last time and had people round in the first few days when really I was needing to be horizontal a bit longer and I think hosting too early probably prolonged some of the initial recovery. So this time we're keeping the world at bay.

Have had a few comments from the grandparents about it (they looked after the older children whilst I was in labour so they're in the bubble as far as I'm concerned) but have made it clear everyone else can wait till after the weekend to be told any news and I'm not sure when we'll be doing visits. Will play it by ear. I told everyone the baby was due at the end of this month so they shouldn't exactly be sitting desperate for news! There's a strong chance mum will tell people but telling myself that's que sera sera. I just don't want to be glued to WhatsApp and hosting people rather than focusing on baby and the other children. So havent put it in any WhatsApp groups or on our family photo sharing app etc.

If you feel like you want to hunker down, do it. The worst they can do is moan 🤷🏼‍♀️

Imo how dramatic
3 weeks ?
Perhaps consider you will be so proud you will want to show off your newborn.

Relatives don't want a low down of the actual birth with pics. Just a glance and maybe a hold of their new relation..
Op these people love you..they aren't wrong to want to share in joy of the new arrival..
I was in a week (unexplained rash )a stream of relatives
.including my dgm with a tin of homemade jam tarts and flapjacks ! She was dizzily proud of my dd.

Can't imagine how hurt she'd have been waiting 3 weeks.

OP you can do what you like. Decent friends and family will come when they’re invited and won’t be dicks about it not being immediately after while you’re bleeding, recovering and figuring out feeding and surviving on 18 minutes of sleep.

I think you may find minimal visits will go down better if you have visitors at the hospital & then be vague about future visits and push them back till you’re ready. And for goodness sake don’t host anyone! That’s DH’s job or they can stick the kettle on themselves!

I do sometimes wonder if this is why there are so many threads from MNetters who are upset that friends and SILs/BILs etc aren’t particularly interested in their DC.

Good lord! OP you are not being ‘precious’. This is your baby and your recovery. You can do whatever you want. You don’t need to worry about hurting peoples feelings, you are asking for time, not being unreasonable or saying they can never come.

Everyone else just sounds like they have no understanding of boundaries.

ps I feel like your partners family have posted all these responses 😂🫠🫠🫠 and tbh you need to nip it in the bud or they will always be walking all over you. Your partner needs to step up and communicate with them.

You can always do you. Even if it hurts family and friends' feelings.
Then don't expect others to do you even if you really need it.

I guess it depends if you want a close and involved family going forwards?

They will probably think you’re a bit precious and feel pushed out if you do this.

Hurting people’s feelings because she’s overwhelmed at the thought having guests immediately coming over whilst she’s sleep deprived, bleeding, cramping, hormonal and figuring out all the rest of it of how to look after baby? OP isn’t asking anyone to do anything apart from give them some breathing space.
There is a massive difference between involved and over bearing.

@ShetlandishMum @Henriettina no guarantee of having a close family/support network/people being there when you need them though.

Baby #1 and #2 I invited the whole family within the first 72 hours. Massively overdid it running on adrenaline, definitely had increased negative symptoms by the end of the visit. I was exhausted. I really wanted the tight knit family vibe so posted updates on our family group chat, tried overwhelmingly hard to be mindful of finding a balance between sending updates but not spamming people. I organised both first birthdays to be a really low key 'we're going here for a walk and a pub lunch with cake, it would be lovely if you can make it but no pressure'. I'm the one who organises any/every family get together etc. They do mostly show up (especially when there's a newborn) but there is radio silence in between. They meet up amongst themselves but don't invite my family. My older siblings come to the city we live in and don't reach out. Its all on their terms, always.

So I feel like I made tonnes of effort, twice. This time I have told/invited the ones who make an effort. Even then we asked that the kids could come home from school and meet the new arrival and find out the name etc before anyone else was told any details. Everyone else can jolly well wait, and if they moan about it then that's their prerogative.

I think if family want to be involved they will be.

It’s your house and your rules, but personally I found that the visits broke the days up for me. If I knew people were visiting that particular day it gave me the motivation to get a quick shower and stick some clean clothes on. That being said I didn’t have to do any of the hosting, my partner would be the one making teas and coffees or better yet my mum and MIL would just make their own. It’s also really sweet to see how much joy a newborn brings to the family. Only thing is I did push for a rough time of the visit, it wasn’t just a revolving door of people turning up. You’ll find your groove, just see how you feel after the birth and see how things go.

I think it’s odd to want to cut yourself off for three weeks. It’s a tiring time but it should be a wonderful happy time to celebrate too. I loved having people visit. I had people visit straight away with all of my kids and I went out after a couple of days with most of them. I even went to a big party when my 2nd baby was 5 days old. I got a million compliments and no one minded when I disappeared to feed. It was fun. . Yes I felt a bit shite and tired like all new Mums but I would have felt worse cooping myself up at home.

Fair enough if you want to limit how long people stay but banning people seems dramatic, precious and really boring. New babies often sleep a lot, what are you going to do for three weeks? Maybe you will find everything completely awful and overwhelming but plenty of people don’t. It’s the same with feeding, it can be a nightmare for some people but others find it easy.
I guess if you don’t like any of your family then it’s a good excuse not to see them but if you actually like them then it seems strange you would plan in advance to keep them away.

Obviously if there are particular problems then maybe you would want to keep visits short or delay them.

Brand new babies are incredibly adorable.

I think it’s a weird internet thing that makes FTMs obsess over birth and post partum. The reality is you have no idea how you will feel. Many women have their partners return to work after a week or two and are happy and glad to see people before a 3 week cut off.
It’s fine to struggle or not feel up to it, but it’s weird to create an arbitrary rule in advance.

+3 weeks... but yes you can do you.
I wouldn't do a lot if I wasn't invited for a short visit with a healthy mum and baby before +3 weeks.

I liked having visitors, I wanted people to meet my new baby and it can be a bit lonely when you are trying to learn how to look after such a tiny thing! My best friend came on holiday to our town around the time I was due especially so she could meet our baby and came to the hospital the day he was born, as did my in-laws. I don't understand wanting to shut people out.