Am I being unreasonable with not wanting visitors for a bit?

[makeupgirlie]

So I’m due in a week.
I am not too keen on having visitors after baby is born for a minimum of 3 weeks. I want the first few weeks to be able to recover and let baby settle in.
Everyone is understandably excited for the baby. But I have felt very overwhelmed by my partners family in particular throughout my whole pregnancy. They are always wanting to know every detail, why I have gone to the hospital and what my appointments are for. God forbid you don’t tell my partners dad and he gets annoyed by it. Anyway I am happy for grandparents to see baby first, maybe in hospital but I don’t really want everyone picking baby up or at least not for long. But when home u just want a few weeks just me, baby and partner. Is this unreasonable?

Trust me, having my mum around would have increased my chances of postnatal depression not decreased them.

Everyone has different relationships

I agree post natal support is important, I had lots of that from my husband and my dad.

My mother in law came aiming for 1 week, I bore her just about 1 day and she left on the 2nd or 3d, forgot now

OP - you keep repeating the phrase “settle-in at home”.

I’m not trying to be obtuse, but what in your mind does this “settling-in at home” entail / look like in your mind?

It’s interesting that you’re ok with accepting visitors to the hospital (which is the real time when you’ll be exhausted / messy / a bit shell-shocked)… but you don’t want any family to see the baby again whilst home whilst you “settle in”. Is this more about a romanticised notion of a ‘baby moon’ - just you, DH & baby in a bubble? Because if it’s that, I don’t think that’s very fair to the baby’s close family and loved ones.

I think you’ve got this back-to-front. If you’re wedded to the idea of needing time to rest / recover / get breastfeeding started etc then say no visits to the hospital. Then a couple of days after getting home welcome close family round for a quick cuddle / they can stick the kettle on and do you some laundry etc.

I totally disagree. With hospital there are defined visiting times and midwives can be prepped to chuck them out after an hour if needed. The OP is under no pressure to make cups of tea, and won't be judged on the state of her house. It's much more clear that the op is a recovering patient.

I loved postpartum, and loved visitors at hospital and home, but I can see that if you're reluctant for visitors, getting it done quickly at hospital can be easier.

Both can be true. If someone asked me to wait 7 days, I'd wait 7 days. I'd also think they were precious and maybe having trouble with adjusting to parenthood, in the absence of some medical complication where it made sense. Seven days is far more sensible than three weeks though.

They don't want to see you because they feel entitled though. They want to see you because they are happy for you and want to celebrate the arrival of your new little one with you. They want to congratulate you, fuss over you, bring you gifts and meals and things. They are excited a new little person has joined the family and the family has grown. It's a pretty negative view to think people have ulterior motives unless there's precedent.

But ultimately it doesn’t much matter why someone wants to visit. If the person who has just had a baby wants them to postpone it for a fortnight, that’s what she wants. Their good wishes won’t evaporate in the intervening time.

She can do whatever she wants. I'm just saying that the motives she is giving other people are likely not right.

Pathetic comment. You can love your family and still need some space after giving birth. As you well know. You just posted that to be passive aggressive.

I think for some people, this is the first time they can exercise complete control over a person. They revel in that

I wouldn’t bother coming to see you and the child genius you have produced if you can’t be bothered to have guests.

I suppose it’s people like this who will post in a few years that they have no child care and haven’t been on a date with their dh for 2 years etc, because they have no family who feel they can provide child care

My dd had a second baby in June and this time said less visitors and more spread out, but most of all was her wish they didn’t stay longer than 1 hour and literally told them they’d be ushered out if they stayed longer. So rather than waiting for a set amount of time had a couple of visitors a week

i was going around daily, but doing laundry, hoovering, making dinner for later. Taking dgc out two mornings a week

uou may want to rethink grandparents and ask if they can help. Ask if they are willing to help with stuff so you’re not trying to get everything done

Sorry but I do agree with this. I think it is good for everyone to meet babies and for them to be around family from the beginning, they don't have to be long visits or anything. I just find people seem to enjoy making more of a drama and a fuss out of things, it's just having a baby. You will have loads of time together to bond and settle

It’s really not going to turn a baby into some kind of lockdown shut-in who screams itself hysterical at the sight of an unfamiliar face if its mother prioritises her own wish to have a couple of weeks without visitors after the birth.

It’s hilarious how triggering people clearly find this. A woman doing something because that is what she wants.

Then surely they will understand if a new mum is struggling and stressed, and have the decency to cut her some slack for a couple of weeks instead of insisting on what they want.

I'd have been genuinely horrified at that and would have felt immensely pressured.

I had a long labour, ds was born at 7.50am and I didn't wake up until 2pm when I met ds. We didn't get to the ward until about 5pm. His dad came in at about 7pm, by which time I'd managed a first feed.

I was uncomfortable, bleeding, hungry, exhausted. The last thing I needed was people queuing at the door.

My family did exactly what we always do. A quick call to closest dsis to let her know we were both OK and send a photo of ds. She then rang everyone else to let them know.
We left hospital after 4 days. First visitors came when ds was 8 days, by which time I was back on my feet, and able to manage.

I guess every family has their norms.

I'm sure they'll follow her wishes. Whether they understand is neither here nor there, as long as they accept it. I sure don't understand it and think it's weird, but I'd just assume there was some sort of medical complication or the new mum was struggling to adjust to motherhood, so needed her space. Not for me to query, just go along with.

In all honesty, see how you feel after the birth. I had a section with my kids so was recovering and I had visitors but just to pop in and make themselves drinks, quick cuddle and bugger off

There are a lot of things that you cannot accurately predict before the birth. One of them is how you'll feel about visitors.
First time around, I was convinced that I would die in childbirth (too many dramatic books in childhood probably - there was no medical reason). I was so relieved not to have died and so proud of this perfect little human that I'd made, I couldn't wait to show him off. I had my dad bring by my little brother and sister when my baby was about an hour old, so they could see him before they went to school. I can still see the excitement on their faces and watching them meet was a true joy for me.

I had quite overbearing in-laws and later on I did have to put some things in place to prevent them from randomly turning up without warning and staying in my house all day. But those moments when they first met DS were magical, for them and me and I think I would have missed out had I not allowed it for 3 weeks. So it might turn out that you are so excited you want people to come and admire this perfect little baby.

To me 'boundaries' mean you don't have people stay overnight if you don't want them to, you don't run around after guests and you take yourself off somewhere private to breast feed - it's not banning visitors for weeks. The caveat is if your baby needs nicu or you are ill. I wouldn't give visitors chores either, as suggested by a pp - I think that's rude and your family are likely to help you anyway, without being handed a hoover on the way in!

I think we have to remember that our children are part of a wider family unit - our in-laws, while 'distanced' from us are actual blood family to our kids. It's in our children's best interests to form close bonds.
So, assuming a normal birth, having a few days might be reasonable but a few weeks would be overkill imo.

I've actually always said this.

That and weddings often bring about a level of control that makes me think that person has little control the rest of the time.

Wow OP some nasty people on the internet today. It’s your recovery and you need to bond with your baby, don’t feel pressured to please other people at this time, the baby isn’t going anywhere.

I’ve personally never understood the desire to go and demand access to a newly post partum woman’s baby, especially by other women who know how bad the recovery can be 🤷🏻‍♀️

In my case, I was (and am) simply someone who, unlike a lot of the wet lettuces of Mn, is perfectly fine with prioritising my own wishes. I was also prioritising my own wishes when DH and I got married with two witnesses.

You should try it.

Oh I do, believe me.

The only thing I've never done is become a pregnantzilla or a bridezilla.

And that's because I have absolutely no wish to behave in that manner.

I like people and I love my family.

OP I remember posting here during my first pregnancy worried about DH not being allowed to stay overnight at the hospital and getting called a princess and all sorts. He didn't stay in the end and it was completely fine but it's such a vulnerable time, and you don't know until you do it. And I barely slept for the first 3 days.

See how you feel when baby is here, keep visits short and spaced out and you'll probably enjoy them.

And don't be afraid to ask for people to leave the room if you can't easily walk out yourself, I remember when my ILs visited the hospital I really needed to feed DS, he'd got hungry because I'd left it too long to breastfeed him again and we realised during his hearing test, then ILs arrived. I gave him a syringe of colostrum but actually wanted to be feeding him directly. All fine especially on their first visit but now I'd be able to say sorry I'm just going to feed him quickly and they can stay or not depending on comfort.

Also breastfeeding - just keep offering them the boob in the early days at least every couple of hours, more than you think you'd need to. After the first week really it's the nights that are killer (if you've not had other problems with it) and catching up on sleep in the morning. I know someone who was triple feeding and yeah if I'd experienced that, I'd only be welcoming very short visits hosted by DH and stepping out whenever needed