Am I being unreasonable with not wanting visitors for a bit?

[makeupgirlie]

So I’m due in a week.
I am not too keen on having visitors after baby is born for a minimum of 3 weeks. I want the first few weeks to be able to recover and let baby settle in.
Everyone is understandably excited for the baby. But I have felt very overwhelmed by my partners family in particular throughout my whole pregnancy. They are always wanting to know every detail, why I have gone to the hospital and what my appointments are for. God forbid you don’t tell my partners dad and he gets annoyed by it. Anyway I am happy for grandparents to see baby first, maybe in hospital but I don’t really want everyone picking baby up or at least not for long. But when home u just want a few weeks just me, baby and partner. Is this unreasonable?

Furthermore from this, knowing midwives they have all said the same thing and that the parents of the babies wishes should be respected. It is their baby not everyone else’s.
we have come to the conclusion 3 weeks may be too long. Grandparents can see baby but for only 7 days we would like to settle in at home before others visit. If this is a problem for people then that’s really sad.

People find such joy in newborns. When it is family even more so. And newborns change a lot even in 3 weeks. I think it would be quite sad to do this - a baby and new mother surrounded by love is a good thing. I can understand some anxiety with your first but I think you will find you don't need to be worried about things like this. Close family or sometimes friends visiting is a blessing (assuming they are normally good people in your life). My advice would be to not make any decisions or announcements around when people can visit now, just take each day as it comes when the baby is here. I think (and hope) you will feel differently.

Hark at the woman banning family from visiting their new grandchild/niece/nephew/cousin for the first three weeks, telling other people to “be kind” 😂.

I really don’t think it’s in a child’s best interests to have parents this insular and insecure. It’ll be a good day when the “just our precious little family” trend is over.

YANBU and don’t let anyone make u feel like u are.

OP I am genuinely facinated as to what this " settling in" for 7 days will consist of ? Most people welcome the opportunity to have someone else hold baby while they shower/ have someone new to talk to whilst breastfeeding someone to get a drink for you, pass you stuff, maybe change a nappy.

I don't think it's sensible to in advance have these really fixed ideas about it all. Wait and see how you feel, go with the flow and don't get into the mindset where your in laws are the enemy and every meeting a battle before the baby is even here.

The way you're articulating it already is in that space "people wanting access to your newborn" not wanting to welcome a new family member.

Chill out and try and see the best in people. You're now linked to them all for life!

I read a lot before I had mine and had assumed I needed things that I didn't - like lots of meals prepped (turns out it was easier to cook something simple than remember to defrost something and stick in the oven), and also even tho I am an introvert who likes privacy, turned out I actually liked having visitors

@makeupgirlieignore all the shitty comments. You absolutely do what is right for you and your family.

It’s not precious or dramatic ffs.

Some seem to have an issue with others making choices and setting boundaries they don’t like which leads me to think they’re people that need them even more.

I’m pleased people are thinking about this stuff ahead of their baby being born. Lots of women I know were much stricter for subsequent babies as their first experience was so difficult and exhausting.

What other major medical event leads to people trailing in and out of your home and making demands on you.

See the grandparents in hospital then settle in, recover, feed, sleep and get to know your baby.

People can wait until you’re ready and feeling up for visitors. And the people who would then refuse to visit after 3 weeks then imo they can stay away because they’re being pathetic!

I don’t agree that it’s most people. Lots of women talk about really struggling with people wanting to hold their baby etc They’ve just given birth and their emotions and hormones are all over the place.

My close friend told me even her mum holding her new born made her sob and desperate to take her baby back.

I really don’t understand why this isn’t ok. Why are family members more important than mum, baby, dad (in that order). A baby won’t suffer from not being held and passed around family members and there’s still lots of time for others to get to know the baby.

The important bonding is happening with the people that matter at that point.

Do you think that is healthy ?
I think taking 10 minutes to shower/ wash your hair is essential tbh. How could anyone possibly object to someone else doing a nappy ?

Good idea from @Kvfihi to let them come to the hospital where there may be rules about how many can visit for how long. Or you can tell them there are rules. Its not as easy to get comfortable on a public ward. Once you get home you can lay down the boundaries that you want time alone to bond with with baby.

Well, their feelings and their strange sense of humour are irrelevant. Literally the only one who gets a say here is the person who just shoved a baby out of her/had a baby cut out of her, and is dealing with the aftermath while probably also dealing with the not-necessarily-straightforward process of breastfeeding, while being very tired and adjusting to motherhood. And yes, that is me saying that the father does not get a say in who visits, and when. If, like a male seahorse, he had somehow arranged to carry and give birth to the baby, then it would of course be his decision when to start seeing people.

Really, only on Mn do I see this idea that friends are family are literally champing at the bit to see the baby before the umbilical cord if cut, preferably. It's not like it's going to be growing a moustache and thinking about its A-levels if they have to wait a few weeks.

OP I started a similar thread on here under a different username before my baby. I wanted 2 or 3 weeks alone before visitors. Everyone on that thread made me feel like crap about it (similar comments to what u are getting now). Anyway because of that thread I decided to relax my rules and see visitors withiin the first 2 weeks. Well my family all visited in a group and I hated my baby being passed around. My mum took my baby off of me and walked around the house with them where I couldn’t see them, then went and settled in another room whilst I was catching up with family members, so her dog could get used to having a baby around. I hated it. I wasn’t ready for my baby to be taken off me and not be able to see them. And my husband also admitted to me afterwards that he didn’t like it either. Neither of us felt ready for our baby to be being passed around and taken off us. My in laws then came a few days later and stayed for about 7 hours expecting endless cups of tea whilst sat on the sofa. I was sore after a c section and tired and just wanted to get in bed with baby. I even made MIL a tea and she said it was too strong and I had to go back and amend it, whilst wanting to cry in pain from my wound. I was establishing breastfeeding and having to faff around trying to protect my modesty with a muslin when I really just needed to be totally topless with my baby.

If your instinct is telling u to protect your bubble in those first few weeks, LISTEN TO IT. Do not change your mind because of some of the comments on here. There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting boundaries. It’s your baby, your birth and you are allowed to do what you want regarding visitors.

nobody can say that the baby and the mother’s physical and emotional recovery aren’t the priority for the first few weeks and sometimes months. But to the exclusion of all and everyone else?! Like, actual exclusion of everyone else? Does the world stop spinning, do people stop having their own lives (with their own children sometimes, even!), because a woman has given birth? Is nobody else allowed to welcome their new family member in amongst all the other things they have going on in their lives? Is the mother going to be doing nothing for 24 hours of those 21 days than “bonding”? Do you understand what bonding is and how it works? It’s not like there will be 27 people sitting around the living room passing the swaddled baby around like pass the parcel while she screams for milk and the mother’s breasts leak in the kitchen and she’s making teas and coffees for everyone. Complete loss of perspective. Having a first child is life changing for the parents and many grandparents, and just a happy thing for everyone else. It’s really not worthy of so much drama!

You do you. Just expect other people to do the same if you ban them for 3 weeks. It's not a big deal is it?

As I have said we are allowing all direct family to visit… and have decided against what I said about 3 weeks.

I have a few questions about ypur propsed plan:
How far away are family ? because if they have to travel they are unlikely to make the journey to see you and LO in hospital for an hour.
What will you do if either you are in hospital for much longer or less time than you expect ? So either home in 3 hours ( as I was with DC2) or in for 10 days as DSis was ?
I think you will just need to play it by ear. Staying home for a week if that is your plan is really not at all good for any of you.

3 weeks?!!! Your kid will have a paper round before the families met them. Are you also not going to leave the house for 3!weeks? That’s wild. Will you not want to show people the awesome beautiful person you just made? You will feel very protective but also very proud . 3 weeks is a very long time to sit indoors by yourselves , for what, to what purpose . Mainly the first few weeks is staring at them while they sleep , or walking around rocking them while they cry , sometimes it’s nice to have company whilst you do that .

Thanks for your comment, however as stated in further comments we have decided that is too long and will not be waiting 3 weeks…
thank you.

It's good that you have reconsidered, three weeks is a long time with a newborn, and I mean for you, rather than for everyone else! It is like nothing you have ever experienced, it's really hard to explain that it won't be anything like you expect it to be (not necessarily in a bad way!) so I wouldn't make any commitments either way. You might be on the phone begging your family to come round, or you might be feeling people are all too much , you just don't know until it happens.

Thank you.
Yes we have decided to play it as it goes. Family will be seeing baby soon as born but we will definitely just want a few days to a week maybe to bond with baby just us 3. Partner is also self employed and not working for the first month (his choice).

Thank you !!

This whole "ignore how stressed you feel and put MIL's visit before your own post-partum well being" is like being told a women's pain isn't important and she should just push on through.

Well, no, sod off! Th order of priority after birth is

1. Mum's & baby's physical well being
2. Mum & Dad's mental well being
3. Siblings' well being.

They can take as much time as is necessary.
Only after that, grand parents, aunts, uncles, friends etc.get their turn.

And if their egos can't cope with having to WAIT until core family are ok, then they are selfish, thoughtless and lacking any consideration for the safety of their loved ones.

👏🏼🙏🏼
I honestly started to completely regret posting this post, because I felt as if I was an awful person for putting my own mental wellbeing before satisfy everyone else.

I think it’s great that new mums are feeling that they are able to do this and not be forced into having visitors when they aren’t ready! 😊

My midwife in hospital knew I was struggling. Basically I wanted to rip the arms off anyone who came within 6 paces of baby ds. I'm normally very chilled but felt very angry and edgy and not really in control.

She put it like this. If you went to Longleat, you would not pick up a baby lion cub because the lioness would tear you to pieces. That's the normal reaction of a new mum, to protect her young. Yet we bizarrely expect human mums to tolerate total strangers (hospital staff) and people you positively don't like (MIL, BIL, great uncle Fred) picking up your precious baby and kissing her against your specific instructions, despite cold sores, smoking, dirty moustaches, assorted viruses etc.

And then we wonder why new mums get distressed.......!