15 weeks pregnant and unsure whether to continue after an abusive relationship

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Hi all,
This is my first time posting. I am in such a devastating situation and desperate for some advice.

I am 15 weeks pregnant. My relationship with an extremely abusive man ended a week ago, and since then my time has been spent making police reports and on the phone to domestic abuse services. He also has a history of extreme violence against women and has been jailed twice as a result.

Up until last week, he was desperate for the baby but was never supportive. The abuse he put me through included keeping me awake at night, name-calling, cheating whilst I was pregnant, forcing me to sleep on the floor – the list goes on.

Either way, he will not be in my life and won't be providing financial support.
I am already a single mum to a beautiful, financially independent 18-year-old who lives at home (different father). I have a decent job, but I can only guarantee my wage until the end of 2027.

I have had all of the anomaly scans and seen the baby, who is healthy and beautiful, and I am so attached already.

The services I have spoken to have been amazing, offering to fit security measures and help get a non-molestation order in place. But I am terrified. I am terrified about doing this on my own, I am terrified about having him in my life, and I am terrified about having a termination – I have tried three times already to go through with one.

I am desperate for any advice or guidance from anyone who might have been in the same situation. I have until Thursday to decide and feel like I'm losing my mind going back and forth with the decision. I am 38 and feel like this might be my last chance.

All the love x

My heart goes out to you, Op. You really are in a terrible situation. You need to go with your gut on this one. If you're finding it so difficult to have a termination, then I think you already know what you deep down want.

You are in a horrible situation and I feel for you. But you are more than 1/3 through a pregnancy of a child that I am assuming you wanted. It isn't a bundle of cells any more it is recognisable as a human foetus. An abortion would take time to arrange, and in 3 weeks you will start to feel the flutterings of movement.

To me you don’t sound as though you want an abortion, or that you would not spend your life regretting it

Good luck.

Thank you. It just feels like such a terrible decision to make for practical reasons, but I'm not sure whether that will really be the deciding factor in the end?

Oh lovely, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Well done on getting out though. I guess the answer is if having this bay will mean that he still has contact and you live yoir life on eggshells. The only other possibility is to tell him you’ve had a termination and not out him on the birth certificate or claim child support and move if possible?

I would hesitate to bring a child into this world, knowing that they might have to spend their life looking over their shoulder; at risk from him because he would consider hurting them to be a fit punishment for you.

Sorry OP, but that was my first thought.

But no one would ever be anything other than supportive even if you had a term nation at this stage to avoid 18 years woth him or the abuse a child would suffer even in a contact centre situation

I really thought all the messages would be saying it’s okay to terminate as well lovely.

Either way, he will not be in my life and won't be providing financial support.

I would be amazed if an abusive man didnt use the child he gathered to abuse you further eother via courts or visitation- refusing access to go abroad..withholding your child..abusing your child during contact times, dripping poison in their ear....

As someone with 2 kids i'd find a 15 week abortion very hard but I think you need to heavily and carefully weigh up the impact on your existing child and yourself...Because honestly he could be making yp
our life hell for another 20 years vs.You getting a totally clear break.

Such an unenviable situation OP 💐💐💐
I personally would probably abort but with a heavy heart. You can desperately want a child but know the price of it is too high to bear....

Much much love to you.

No advice as only you need to decide, but hugs to you. If you decide to proceed get advice from Womens aid about how to protect you and the baby as much as you can. This will include not putting his name on the birth certificate as that will give him parental rights. (But, I think you can't anyway unless he is present at registration which is clearly both unlikely and undesirable).

Whatever you decide, best of luck.

This is such an awful situation to be in. So many issues to consider but I think you would have to come to terms with this man potentially being in your life forever. Can you keep yourself and dc safe? How will you mentally cope with this long term? How does your elder dc feel and will they support you? They themselves will have already been through so much I would think. Personally I would not want to continue but ultimately you have the do what is right for you.

Given his history of violence, and that the police are keen to take forward another conviction, and given the non-molestation, I thought it might offer some protection from visitation? If that wasn't the case, there is no way i could risk having a baby exposed the level of violence he has put other epopel he claimed to love through.

He thinks i am having an abortion this week - because that's what I thought was 100% happening too, but the closer i get, the harder it is to image going through with it.

I have also been advised that to register the birth without him on the certified, but we only live 45 minutes from each other (luckily he doesn't drive), he would find out at some point

You would be shocked.

Look at the Rotherham girls... one of them had a child fathered by her abuser.
Family courts gave the fucker access.

I think ultimately you have to decide whether you want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life.
'On paper' I would say having a termination would be the best option, however, things are never that easy.
It's your decision. Good luck.

The only thought I can venture is whether you have considered adoption. 15 weeks seems awfully late to terminate a healthy pg and very different to terminating earlier.

For me, it's adoption or no father's name on the bc and moving away. There may be some argument around the baby inheriting half his genes and perhaps not having the easiest life because of it.

I think it's a case of the least worst option. I'm sorry op - it's a shit place to be. I supppse my only other thought is whether you can afford to keep the baby on your own.

I found the story I was thinking of

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/rotherham-grooming-gang-case-sammy-woodhouse-victim-son-sexual-abuse-a8656116.html

Do not naively think he wont have access.
If he wants it and is persistent he may well get it.
Family courts are closed and there are.some crazy imo rulings made by them

I couldn't do that, there is no way i could give up a baby

i would think it’s very possible he could have access to the child. I know someone whose ex was violent to her, was also documented stalking his ex before her, he got access cos his abuse was towards women and not towards the children.

This is such a horrible situation, and well done for getting away from him.
Is moving away an option?
If you do go through with the pregnancy let him think you had a termination, don’t put his name
on the birth certificate and move away to keep your baby safe.
It’s completely fine to terminate in this situation but it doesn’t sound like that’s what you want

Totally up to you but I wouldn't want him to be linked with me for the rest of my life. Maybe The Police/Courts can keep him away for now but you wouldn't be able to stop the child thinking he's the bees knees once they reach 18. You need to think about the rest of your life not just the next few years.

Thank you. I cant really move away because I have my teenager here who has a life in the area and isn't keen to move out any time soon. Ultimately the child I have now has to be my first priority. But absolutely, he wouldn't be going on the birth certificate and I am franticly putting everything i can in place so that either way we're as safe as we can be.

Id end the pregnancy. You and your child will be subjected to him forever.

I think you need to talk things through with councelling. Its a really hard decision to make. You need to do what you can live with.

The courts and police have been amazing and he certainly wont be able to contact me for quite a while

If you have this baby you will likely have to deal with this man for the next 18 years and your child will have to deal with this man and/ or the repercussions of having this man as a father (nature and nurture) for much longer.

Oh op, I’m so sorry. In your position I wouldn’t have this child, this is too high a price for the poor child to bear going forward (imo). You and your children will have no peace of mind worrying about his next move. And if he’s in prison he has nothing better to do than plot ways to make your lives a misery.

Thank you, I think I needed to hear that