15 weeks pregnant and unsure whether to continue after an abusive relationship

[AlertLurker]

Hi all,
This is my first time posting. I am in such a devastating situation and desperate for some advice.

I am 15 weeks pregnant. My relationship with an extremely abusive man ended a week ago, and since then my time has been spent making police reports and on the phone to domestic abuse services. He also has a history of extreme violence against women and has been jailed twice as a result.

Up until last week, he was desperate for the baby but was never supportive. The abuse he put me through included keeping me awake at night, name-calling, cheating whilst I was pregnant, forcing me to sleep on the floor – the list goes on.

Either way, he will not be in my life and won't be providing financial support.
I am already a single mum to a beautiful, financially independent 18-year-old who lives at home (different father). I have a decent job, but I can only guarantee my wage until the end of 2027.

I have had all of the anomaly scans and seen the baby, who is healthy and beautiful, and I am so attached already.

The services I have spoken to have been amazing, offering to fit security measures and help get a non-molestation order in place. But I am terrified. I am terrified about doing this on my own, I am terrified about having him in my life, and I am terrified about having a termination – I have tried three times already to go through with one.

I am desperate for any advice or guidance from anyone who might have been in the same situation. I have until Thursday to decide and feel like I'm losing my mind going back and forth with the decision. I am 38 and feel like this might be my last chance.

All the love x

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation and so far along for this to be such a difficult choice.
I know you love the baby and it’s not what you imagined.
The choice isn’t about the baby here really, it’s about what you’ll be put through and your older child will endure if you choose to continue the pregnancy.
It’s terribly sad and heartbreaking but I would knowing how abusive these men can get terminate.
A termination will play havoc with your mental health for a while, but this man will play havoc with your safety for the next 18 years or more.
Please look after yourself and keep us updated with how you are doing x

Wow l had absolutely no idea the incidence of inherited personality disorders were so high . I knew it was a thing but reading into it was mind blowing.

Yep.

When i was doing my degree i used to procrastinate by going down rabbit holes on pubmed. This is one of the biggest most interesting rabbit holes i explored. It certainly makes you realise how important it is to choose wisely with who you procreate with as genetics influence so much.

Would you be ok with him having supervised visits with your precious child, moving likely to unsupervised, then overnights? I wouldn’t. Family court decisions are often insane.

He could easily hurt his own child. He sounds horrific.

Would you be ok with handing your baby over to him knowing he’s strangled women (attempted murder), kept you awake at night (torture), made you sleep on the floor? He could do the same to your child.

I know what I would have to do. I don’t think anyone on here should be telling you what to do - this is your decision. You’ve made choices in life that have taken you to this point, you have to choose for yourself.

No, absolutely not, i'd be terrified. His own mum said she wouldnt trust him with a baby

You love your baby. I dont doubt thats. But, the future you are envisaging isn't real. Your imagining their name, smell, laugh and all the nice things. Youur babies life isnt going to be like that. It will be you trying to minimise the harm their dad is doing. Him seeking ways to control and abuse you via your child. I would like to think his love for his child would outweigh his abusive nature. But, he doesnt love his child enough now to not abuse their mother while they are growing them.

I get it @AlertLurker - babies in isolation are lovely.
But that is not your reality.
If it was just you and the baby I am sure everyone would be supportive.
If the biological father was just a bit of a prat or gormless or just 'less than' - you would have loads of women on here rallying for you.

Unfortunately, the reality is that the biological father is an extremely violent, awful human being. Legally, he will be able to access this baby. Legally, he will be able to control where you live and other aspects of your life. He sounds like he will make your life as hard as possible. This will be your reality for the next 20 years.
Then there is high probability that the baby may inherit some of his personality traits even if he is not around to raise the baby - your love may not be enough.

You're right, thank you. That's really important framing, I'll try to hold onto it. It's the best thing for everyone that I don't carry on with the pregnancy

I hate to ever say anything to a woman to influence her into a termination she clearly wishes she didn’t need to have. Reading your posts I want you just say that termination here is one of the times when people say it would have been best for the baby. There are 1000s of stories where ex partners have harmed or killed their own baby/child/children to hurt their ex.
For the safety of their future as much as your own, in your situation I would terminate. If you were saying it was because of a money issue or space, due to how much you clearly don’t want to terminate I’d say to remain pregnant, it’ll be tough and shit but you’ll live, plenty other do. This man is capable of causing catastrophic consequences to a baby. For the sake of a potential baby, I’d not chance it.
Unless you have the possibility of him being forced to stay away legally, a termination is sadly the best. I had a termination so I didn’t have to deal with the father who wasn’t anywhere near as abusive as you describe, I just didn’t want him in my life for the next 18 years. A year or so later I purposely got myself pregnant and whilst I didn’t choose a great dad for my baby, I chose one that simply fucked off and left me happily raising our child. If you do terminate please don’t ever even allow a shred of guilt to enter your mind. This is one of the most selfless things you can do, not allow a monster to get his hand on a child you can’t legally keep away from him. This is real parenting, letting yourself have a broken heart to protect your child. Sending you love.

I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been in a similar position as you although probably “easier” as I was 9 weeks pregnant and not 15.

This was 13 years ago now, I had an abusive and controlling DP and fell pregnant. I wanted the baby but the thought of him being stuck in my life forever is what put me off - I was young too (19). Had to get police involved and a restraining order etc.

It took me a few years to get over my abortion and I was gutted, felt guilty but 13 years on I just am so thankful that he isn’t in my life. I have a lovely husband now and 2 babies of my own with him. I just couldn’t phantom a life where I still have a controlling awful ex and father to my child involved.

That being said, it has to be an individual choice and one with your gut xx

Op if he thinks you’re having a termination let him believe you’ve gone through with it, then block anyone who is a mutual connection on social media and try to move before baby comes. I would only advise this in extreme cases like this as he’s not safe.

Thank you, I'm going to go ahead with the termination. The police are unsure about a prosecution in this case and i just cant risk having him in my life.

<handhold>

Fwiw I think this is the right decision given what you've shared... 💐

You poor thing.

I can tell you what I would do in your position with the hindsight I have now, and that is to terminate, but I am not you and you sound more termination averse than I am.

The people saying this guy will likely try and use your baby as a tool to further the abuse are 100% correct. Courts frequently avoid direct and indirect contact even when the men are vile specimens. So, you could be signing up for a life of further strife and difficulties for your child.

Edited after I saw your post just now, I’m so sorry, that’s a very hard but very ok decision. Anyone who judges you (that includes your inner voice -back in the box!) should wind their neck in.

The police may be able to refer to counselling, or health services. They bloody should.

Sending support and strength OP.
Stay safe.

Wishing you the strength and courage to get through this, OP.

Life will get better. It'll take time, you have a long dark road ahead of you but there is light at the end of the tunnel

I feel utterly broken

Can you talk to someone in real life? Or not talk, but have a cup of tea and just be?

The only plus I chose to carry on with pregnancy after also leaving an abusive ex, police, no access orders etc and have my lovely boys now 16 he has never been able to contact them etc or even tried. I wouldn't have considered termination hard for the first year but I made it work and best decision for me

It looks like you have made the right decision. He is just plain dangerous. A danger to you, any child of his and any child of yours. Also, child could inherit his tendencies ( plenty of threads about that). The only thing that I can offer is to write down all the reasons why you are doing it, so you can hold onto that.

He will drag that child's life through hell just to punish you. He will drag you through courts, he will lie and report you to social services, don't do it.

@OnePeachDuck Just sod off.

You go and pray to your make believe god and leave the rest of us alone.

Reported.

I just want to say that I’m sorry you’re having to face this situation OP.

I’m pro choice, although I don’t think I could have a termination myself. That said, in your shoes, bloody hell, it really is the sensible decision to make.

I would say, I’d probably lie and tell him it was a miscarriage. You really don’t want to tie yourself to this man forever and bringing a child into this situation wouldn’t be good for the child.

Wishing you well.