15 weeks pregnant and unsure whether to continue after an abusive relationship

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Hi all,
This is my first time posting. I am in such a devastating situation and desperate for some advice.

I am 15 weeks pregnant. My relationship with an extremely abusive man ended a week ago, and since then my time has been spent making police reports and on the phone to domestic abuse services. He also has a history of extreme violence against women and has been jailed twice as a result.

Up until last week, he was desperate for the baby but was never supportive. The abuse he put me through included keeping me awake at night, name-calling, cheating whilst I was pregnant, forcing me to sleep on the floor – the list goes on.

Either way, he will not be in my life and won't be providing financial support.
I am already a single mum to a beautiful, financially independent 18-year-old who lives at home (different father). I have a decent job, but I can only guarantee my wage until the end of 2027.

I have had all of the anomaly scans and seen the baby, who is healthy and beautiful, and I am so attached already.

The services I have spoken to have been amazing, offering to fit security measures and help get a non-molestation order in place. But I am terrified. I am terrified about doing this on my own, I am terrified about having him in my life, and I am terrified about having a termination – I have tried three times already to go through with one.

I am desperate for any advice or guidance from anyone who might have been in the same situation. I have until Thursday to decide and feel like I'm losing my mind going back and forth with the decision. I am 38 and feel like this might be my last chance.

All the love x

I couldn’t be attached to a man like this forever.
it won’t be fair on you or the baby.
I would terminate but completely appreciate it’s going to be so so hard.
sorry this is happening to you x

It is cruel to bring a baby/person into this horrible situation. They will have a scumbag for a father, who will most likely have access to them, and forever be used as a pawn in his control games.
Yes babies are lovely but this will not be a nice situation, for you or for the child. I could not put somebody through that and wouldn’t consider keeping the pregnancy.

First consider the wellbeing of your existing child, is it fair to subject a young adult to the chaos that is likely to follow? You are unlikely to be able to eliminate the father completely from your life. Sooner or later he will want access to his child, or the child will want to know their father. And think of the genes this man is passing on. It is a tough decision to make at this stage, but you also need to reflect on what led you to decide to become or remain pregnant with such an appalling man, especially given you have a teen daughter. You are worth so much more.

Unfortunately DV isn't always straight forward and I loved him. Although that certainly isn't a factor now. but yes, you're right, my beautiful teens wellbeing must come first, and chaos just isn't something i can welcome into my life. Although i have managed to shelter my teen entirely from the abuse so far, I also cant keep doing that, the energy is requires has made me quite unwell. So i think that's decision made. And i so appreciate the framing that this isn't fair on the unborn child, I have felt so much guilt already.

This man sounds like a monster. Do you really want to be connected to this man through your child. He will undoubtedly make your life hell and despite his character, the courts (uk) will award him access to your precious baby. You have to weigh up the pros and cons for this and unfortunately, only you can decide. Good luck with whatever you choose.

I agree with this
termination is a big decision but I wouldn’t want any connection to this horrible man at all. Even if you don’t name him on the birth certificate he’s still the father.

you have to make your own decision here but if it was me, I’d terminate this pregnancy

sending love at this awful time 💐

I cannot tell you what to do because this has to be your decision.

Sometimes in life we only have a selection of options that all feel difficult and undesirable. We just have to choose the least bad option.

The family court is fucking horrendous for allowing abusive men to have access to innocent children.
If you decide to keep your baby I’d make no mention of the father on the birth certificate and I’d move a long way …this is very difficult for the child though.
It’s very difficult but on balance I’d have a termination. The future for the child and you is likely to be tough.

The police and the courts cannot protect you from him - it doesn’t matter how many promises they make or how many safeguards they put in. Don’t put your faith in them. You and your beautiful teen will spend your lives looking over your shoulders if you keep the baby.

Is spending the rest of your life in fear what you want?

No, it absolutely isn't. I'm already under the care of the perinatal crisis team because my mental health is in tatters.

Tbh, I didn't realise how serious it was until the police and DV services became involved. He has a history of strangulation, so we're not talking minor violence either.

OP well done on leaving and engaging with the authorities. 💐

Have you been able to get legal advise from women's aid regarding future custody arrangements? A lot of the replies suggesting termination seem to centre on the idea he'd have access. Is this likely to be the case? I completely understand wanting to keep you and your teen daughter safe, but personally I would want a better idea of what role he'd have in the child's life before making the decision. It seems like you want the pregnancy, but understandably want to stay safe more.

This is an incredibly difficult decision but there is no guarantee he would not be present in your lives as far as I can see? If he insists on having contact and shows he has changed I can't see how you could be sure he would not be part of your lives going forward unless you disappear.

In those circumstances for the safety of both children I would try to go through with a termination. I have seen this happen in very similar circumstances and it's not something I'm saying lightly.

If it makes you feel better, OP, I can tell you that I have seen this decision made at a much later stage entirely out of love for the baby. The woman in question had previously seen her children being abused by their dad and knew that this baby's father was worse. She had seen SS fail at safeguarding and knew that the only way she could prevent another child from a life of abuse was through termination. It was incredibly difficult and I have huge respect for her as a mother. She was born into chaos herself and had not known what to avoid at times - but she did the best thing she could from her perspective at that time and that's all any of us can do.

Women's aid can't advise her on future care arrangements nor can a solicitor. It's to be hoped that he wouldn't apply for contact but if he did, nobody can guarantee that he wouldn't get it. And even if he didn't, OP would not be able to stop the child contacting him when they get older and being exposed to that harm.

No services have been able to give me an answer on this. They predict supervised visits but that still involves me having him in my life

OP, your older DC is 18 - I know you don’t want to move away because of them, but sooner or later, your older DC will move out of their own accord anyway. Only you can know your own mind, OP - but the fact that you say you have tried three times already but couldn’t go through with a termination, and that you already feel attached, implies that you really don’t want this. You have to weigh up what is in your best interests. Do you want to start again with a baby, and risk possible repercussions, or are you prepared to move on without it? Do you have any supportive family and/or friends? It is a huge decision and I can well understand your heartbreak over having to make it - in the final analysis, it really doesn’t matter what we say on here: only you can know what you feel and what you think the right decision would be. Very best of luck, OP.

Even if he didn’t ultimately get access - he could put you through years of court cases just to punish you and mentally terrorise you. During this time despite your best efforts you would not be able to fully and freely engage with the baby as you would be under so much stress. Then on top of that there is his established and entrenched violent impulsive physical behaviour that could come out of anywhere at anytime - none of you need to live this life.

If your MH is already in tatters then your existing teen needs you better right now as they will have missed out on you on the duration of this relationship. It is a tough decision to press ahead with the already decided termination and you will need to grieve and recover from that - but IMHO that will be a quicker resolution than the horror of this monster shadowing all your lives and eroding your MH further.

After your updates OP I’m more inclined to terminate your pregnancy. He sounds terrifying, I’d not want any connection to him.

There is no way to give an answer. It depends on so many things. There is always a chance.

My heart aches for you OP - but honestly, I don't think I could bring a child into this world to have a father like this. He will make your life a living hell if he finds out he has a child - and the courts are very likely to give him access. I've had a friend nearly end her life because her abusive ex is still allowed access to their DC even though he was violent with her in front of them. I think you'll never be free of him if you continue this pregnancy. That said, it won't be an easy thing to go through.

thank you, I'm absolutely devastated

I'm so sorry OP, I think we're all devastated with you. What an awful position to be in. Whatever decision you make, I hope you can continue to access help and counselling. 💐

I agree with this. I’ve had a termination but absolutely could not have one at 15 weeks, that would haunt me.

Your baby is healthy and beautiful. No person would make or force me to destroy that. Have your baby.

I can completely understand why you might decide to terminate and I respect that.

But I do worry that it would have a hugely detrimental impact on your mental health as you really don't sound comfortable with it.

Would it be viable for you to tell him you have had an abortion and to relocate elsewhere so that you can have a new life with your existing DC and the baby without him finding out?