15 weeks pregnant and unsure whether to continue after an abusive relationship

[AlertLurker]

Hi all,
This is my first time posting. I am in such a devastating situation and desperate for some advice.

I am 15 weeks pregnant. My relationship with an extremely abusive man ended a week ago, and since then my time has been spent making police reports and on the phone to domestic abuse services. He also has a history of extreme violence against women and has been jailed twice as a result.

Up until last week, he was desperate for the baby but was never supportive. The abuse he put me through included keeping me awake at night, name-calling, cheating whilst I was pregnant, forcing me to sleep on the floor – the list goes on.

Either way, he will not be in my life and won't be providing financial support.
I am already a single mum to a beautiful, financially independent 18-year-old who lives at home (different father). I have a decent job, but I can only guarantee my wage until the end of 2027.

I have had all of the anomaly scans and seen the baby, who is healthy and beautiful, and I am so attached already.

The services I have spoken to have been amazing, offering to fit security measures and help get a non-molestation order in place. But I am terrified. I am terrified about doing this on my own, I am terrified about having him in my life, and I am terrified about having a termination – I have tried three times already to go through with one.

I am desperate for any advice or guidance from anyone who might have been in the same situation. I have until Thursday to decide and feel like I'm losing my mind going back and forth with the decision. I am 38 and feel like this might be my last chance.

All the love x

You need to protect yourself & your existing child. He might be technically an adult but he’s still young and living at home. It’s a devastating position to be in but please have a look at what led you to get involved with such a dangerous man despite having a son already who is at risk.

What an awful situation to be in, my heart goes our to you. No advice, as the thought of having that man in your life sounds unbearable, and I guess the only way to pretty much guarantee leaving him behind fully is to terminate. And you still very much have that option.

I had a termination for anomaly at 16 weeks and despite it being for the best it was hard in the second trimester. I still gave birth and held and grieved my child. It's all very well trying to keep factual, and do it for all the best practical/sensible intentions but don't underestimate the impact on your own emotions and body and mind. Even though it was for the best in my case I sometimes catch myself wondering, nearly 7 years on.

Whatever you decide will be the right choice. x

Well done to you for leaving and reporting him, I can’t imagine how hard this must have been. Given that you showed so much strength already and that you managed to free yourself from this man, I think you’d be absolutely capable of keeping yourself and your baby safe. Of course it’s ok to have a termination, but you don’t sound like you want one.

Does he have other children? How is he with them?

This is an awful decision and only one you can make.
You have had plenty of advice and opinions that I can’t add to in terms of the decision ahead of you, but I just wanted to share that the law has changed in relation to perpetrators of DA getting access and contact as an automatic right via the family court system.

If you want my honest opinion, id have an abortion. The courts are ridiculous with visitation for abusive men and he will use the child to abuse you further. This will profoundly impact yours and your childs life.

I say this with a heavy heart because an abortion at 15 weeks is a big decision but I'd put the safety of my living child and you above all else.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and sending lots of love.

How about a violent man who could kill you and your living child?

Just to say, on both sides…
If you chose not to continue with the pregnancy, you can still grieve the loss you’re experiencing and the baby you are already feeling bonded to. If that’s what you decide is in your best interests, then that’s ok. And you’re still entitled to feel all the emotions that come with it.

Similarly, if you do decide to continue, and he goes on to use the child as a weapon through courts, access etc. Your choice to continue the pregnancy does not mean you deserve all that might come next. You are entitled to live a happy and abuse free life, and you’re entitled to be protected by the system. The extent to which the system can keep you safe, I can’t comment either way.

There’s no easy option for you. But please prioritise your own needs, and what you truly believe is in your best interests.

Also, can you move away as far as possible, if a long journey is required then he might be too lazy to actually be involved? I believe no one can prevent you from moving away BEFORE the baby is born.
Once baby is here, exclusively breastfeed (or say you do, if you can’t/won’t), that rules out any longer visitations for some time.

no other children. He was desperate for this one, but became increasingly awful throughout the pregnancy

The op has tried a few times to have an abortion. Why should she have no other advice? She does not want an abortion. She’s attached. Her only advice should never be just abort it, screw your mental health.

I am Pro life and I know when to shut up. This is a case where the op may just want someone to say keep your baby.

Terminate. Do not tie yourself and an innocent child to this abusive man.

You'll have another chance one day to bring this child into the world safely.

You think so, even though I'm 38?

Not the person who posted this but yes.
I had my second child at 40 pregnant first go and honestly at 42 fairly confident I could have another.
I work in big tech very honestly a lot of the mothers are 38- 40 something and most of the ones i know werent having fertility treatment

I do not think it would be helpful to assume either way whether you might be able to have another child. No one can tell you for sure whether you can. You need to make the decision about this pregnancy. Even if you do go on to have another child, it will not replace this one. So it needs to be the right decision for you.

Honestly @AlertLurker the more you post about the biological father, the more I think a termination would be the best option for you and your DC and your future.
Why would you want to be linked to this awful, violent man?

No, I desperately don't. But until last week I'd imagined a life with a baby. That is so painful to give up

What if the baby grows up to be like him , think about it .

I'm very pro-choice, but you clearly do not want an abortion.

Put your time and energy into getting yourself as safe and secure as possible instead.

Who is she going to have a baby with in the next 2-3 years? She's just left an abusive relationship and the last thing she should be doing in the next couple of years is trying to get pregnant by someone else.

OP if you really can't terminate this pregnancy then you must do everything you can to future proof. Seek a restraining order if he is convicted or a non molestation order if not. Seek an exclusion zone. Don't tell him you are keeping it. Don't post on social media.

This isn't a minor consideration. My child has far more of his father's personality than mine, despite me doing 98% of parenting. That includes the worst sides of him as well as the best.

I would 100% end the pregnancy. Otherwise you will be tied to him forever.

@AlertLurker with kindness, I think you are looking at this pregnancy/ baby through rose tinted glasses.
The reality is that the biological father, a violent, manipulative man, will have rights to access/visitation over you and this baby.

Unless you are able to guarantee complete secrecy about the unborn baby, this man could dictate loads of aspects of your life and the baby's life - is it worth it?
I know that would affect my long term mental health Vs a termination

Read up on inheritability/ genetics of personality disorders and now imagine this baby as young adult.

Of course I am. I'd started thinking of names and buying bits of clothing, which was probably silly but i was so excited and so in love already