Struggling with gender disappointment after finding out I am having a boy

[CalmRubyPoster]

Extreme Gender Disappointment

I’m 17 weeks pregnant and just got my NIPT results—confirmed it’s a boy. And honestly… I cry every single day. I feel jealous when I see mother-daughter relationships, and I worry that I’ll never get to experience that with my own child. I’ve always wanted a daughter.

All my life, my mum—who has only 4 daughters—used to say, “A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.” And honestly, I see that pattern in my family. Most of my uncles and male cousins don’t really care for their parents once they marry. I worry about my son’s future spouse not liking me. I worry that the bond I have with him might get complicated.

I think that’s why having a daughter feels different—you remain her mum no matter what, even if her spouse dislikes you. That kind of bond seems… unshakeable.

Even as a healthcare worker, I find myself grieving in advance for moms of boys. Most of them end up really alone in their later years; it’s usually the daughters showing up, and it just feels so extreme. However, I want to clarify: I’m not expecting my future kids to be my caregivers. I’m just saying that with daughters, she naturally remains close, while men usually drift toward their wives’ families.

Ever since I found out the gender, I haven’t felt excited at all—my heart races with anxiety and sadness thinking about the future. I just think what’s the point…
I’m considering planning a secound pregnancy so I hopefully get a girl.

Will I eventually get the girl I’m dreaming for?

Have any other moms of boys felt like this? How do you navigate these feelings?

This post makes me feel so sad.

I just don’t understand why boys are so unwanted and so second best.

Even your sentence where you start off by saying, “He might be a boy but he’s my boy” still insinuates that having a son is still getting the short straw when it comes to having a baby.

I really feel sorry for boys in situations like this where the much wanted wonderful daughters will no doubt be favoured (although I’m sure you’ll deny that doesn’t apply in your case).

I agree with you. It's just so sad, I've only ever come across this on MN, that boys are second best.
The reasons are so superficial as well; dressing them up, bows in the hair, girly weekends etc.
It's just so depressing. No wonder some of the boys I teach are badly behaved and attention seeking.

YABU. I was raised my my dad when mum passed away when I was 12. I desperately wanted a girl to recreate that mum
daughter relationship. I had a boy and he was my world. He is my mini-me completely. I now also have a DD- and she is utter smiles and joy and the happiest person I’ve ever met. But that doesn’t change how I feel about him. At the end their physical extremities mean very little.

That wasn’t really the implication of those words. I was trying to convey how precious my children are because they are mine, not because of their sex or any other reason.

I think the reasons aren’t generally anything to do with bows and dressing up either. Has anyone ever started a thread saying they are upset they aren’t having a girl because they want to dress her up? I can’t imagine that to be honest.

As for it only being a MN thing … ha. So the boys you teach are only MNetters children, are they?

I feel jealous when I see mother-daughter relationships, and I worry that I’ll never get to experience that with my own child. I’ve always wanted a daughter.

AI written post…so affected that you can’t put it into your own words 🤔🙄…and clearly, given your comments and above, you still haven’t read this thread.

“A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.”
Very clearly by this thread, this quote is not the case.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/chat/5514465-do-you-like-your-mum?page=1

Dressing up has actually been explicitly spoken of on here, and on other threads.
You yourself clearly stated about "pink outfits and cute hairstyles".
I don't know if the parents of my students post on here. Why would I? However, if the horror of having a son is replicated anywhere else in society, outside of these threads, it certainly answers a lot of questions.

I agree with you too. The main thing should be a healthy baby. Baby boys are wonderful, so cute and loving. I don't ever dress my boy in 'sludge, dinosaurs or spider man'. I hate character clothing and my boy always looks smart/cute/cool. Anyone who has longed for a child and suffered from infertility reads these threads and gets so frustrated that women feel like this. Love and cherish your boys, they are wonderful and holding some of the views and attitudes about baby boys that many posters seems to have are really damaging for their poor sons.

Yes, my son was never dressed in "sludge" or "Spiderman" clothing - like you, I dislike all that character clothing. However - dinosaur clothing? My daughter loved it! She had a huge collection of dinosaurs and books and was so into it all! Both are now adults, in their 30s, and seemingly well adjusted. More importantly, they're great people and we all get on really well.
Excellent points ❤️

Well, you claimed that it was no wonder your boy students were so troubled and also that you don’t see any evidence of boys being unwanted so it’s a bit confusing to say the least.

Pink outfits tend to be just kind of symbol of something else a bit deeper than that. I don’t really know what it is to be honest. I don’t know if it’s that I didn’t have positive experiences with boys growing up, or losing my own mum very young; I just don’t know. I do know I really, really wanted a girl and I got one … but that doesn’t mean two boys wouldn’t have been loved and cherished as well.

It was a well intentioned post and it’s a shame it’s been twisted. We’re going to have all sorts of feelings in life and some of those feelings won’t pass the MN test of integrity. IMO that’s not important. What matters are actions.

I linked problems with boys to some parents strong dislike of boys, demonstrated on here. This to the extent of having such strong negative reactions, that they actually weep. That's not a great start to life for any boy.
So please don't twist what I have said. I suspect that you understand my points of concern about this.
Dressing your child in hyper gendered clothing doesn't have to happen. Loads of gorgeous clothes out there. To be sad because you're thinking of not being able to dress a baby in pink and put bows in it's hair doesn't make sense to me and would seem to be focusing on the wrong thing when you're pregnant

It’s true that saying thank fuck cos then I’ll be free again 🤣🤣. I have two sons free to a good home!!!!

They are actually lovely. But it’s all good, I’m humble. I’ve done a proper job as a mother….. I do have a daughter who’s incredibly independent also.

I think you’ve got mummy issues. Who cares if they leave you? We don’t own our kids. If you’re a good, secure mother you’ll have a place in their lives.

I’m not intentionally twisting anything.

I think a lot of women have a preference for a daughter and lots of men for a son. I also think this preference is generally forgotten when the child arrives. I certainly don’t think that problems in our education system are resulting from women wanting girls - or maybe they are, maybe that is All Our Fault too.

You say there are lots of gorgeous clothes out there but there aren’t, really. If you really look you can find decent ones but once your son is over six finding nice clothes is hard, hard work and involves spending a fair old whack. Minecraft (which ds doesn’t have the foggiest about) and superheroes dominate clothing and the alternatives are in navy, black, khaki and beige which is a bit miserable. Whereas any shop for DD will have bright colours and more of a variation of characters than Spider-Man.

(she was also quite bald until she was a year so has never sported a bow.)

It is really about something more visceral than that anyway. When I was struggling to get pregnant at all I would yearn at baby clothes in shops, not because all I wanted was to dress a baby but it was a reminder of what I wanted to be buying. I guess I see the clothing in the same way.

It does seem like you want to be hostile here though, despite me trying my best to explain in a pleasant way.

Hostile? Please don't get personal. I'm just challenging the points you've made. You've posted back in the same vein, I've not got personal with you. Dress your kids how you like.
My point is about the "gender disappointment" when pregnant with a boy which I find very troubling. I have advised the OP to get counselling because it's certainly not healthy to be so distraught at the idea of having a baby boy.

It isn’t personal. I’m talking about your post, not you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and your little boy.

Why get pregnant if you know you really favour one sex over the other? You know it's a 50/50 chance of each.

You used the term "hostile".
I am not pregnant. My children are in their 30s.
Seemingly unscathed by not being dressed according to gender stereotypes! 😂

If it helps I have a shit relationship with my mum but my Dh had a great relationship with his mum.
All that mother daughter stuff is bollocks.

I was delighted when I found out I was having a boy. In truth other than on MN I’ve never come across anyone claiming they desperately wanted a girl.

Maybe I move in different social circles to some but if anything if people do express any gender preference it is for a boy.

Through work and social activities we do operate in a predominantly male oriented environment so maybe that’s part of the reason. The only person I knew who was genuinely upset at finding out the gender was a friend who had a girl after extensive IVF treatment.

Sorry, I thought you said you were pregnant with a boy, but have misread. I do think your responses are quite hostile; that isn’t a reflection on you.

you want to be hostile - that's what you wrote! (end of your post at 18.09) I would say that's quite personal and an accusation, no?.
I'm not going to say anything detrimental about you personally, but if you thought I was pregnant you've obviously got me muddled up with another poster! It's easy to do, though.

It really is a thing
I know so many irl who have a few of the same gender and keep trying for the opposite. It's not always girls, I think most people want to experience one of each. But because it's mostly women who express the desire it is normally a girl they want. Men usually want boys because they want to carry on the family name/play football etc
I will say I may well have been one of those people had I not had one of each!

This reads a lot like AI tbh. The M-dashes give it away.

im a mum of 2 boys and they’re amazing

Total nonsense. My dad was so close to his mother, they worked together and after her retirement she bought a retirement flat round the corner from our house and he saw her at least 3 times a week. My DH is very close to his mum who lives locally sees her at least twice a week. My DB is very close to my parents. I rarely see my parents as they are abroad. My mum lived in a different city to her parents.

As a qualified FA football referee, I would have been happy to have girls to follow in my football footsteps…

instead I had a singing/dancing/crocheting son.

Stereotypical nonsense.

(and AI written, usual clickbait topic).

I lost my grandson 2 months ago, he wasn't full term, nor was he healthy. We've had a funeral and doubt we will ever get over it.
You are disgusting acting like this over a beautiful healthy baby boy.
Rubbish about being closer to girls, I have 2 boys and am very close to them and their partners.
Rejoice in the new life you are carrying.