Struggling with gender disappointment after finding out I am having a boy

[CalmRubyPoster]

Extreme Gender Disappointment

I’m 17 weeks pregnant and just got my NIPT results—confirmed it’s a boy. And honestly… I cry every single day. I feel jealous when I see mother-daughter relationships, and I worry that I’ll never get to experience that with my own child. I’ve always wanted a daughter.

All my life, my mum—who has only 4 daughters—used to say, “A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is yours only until he takes a wife.” And honestly, I see that pattern in my family. Most of my uncles and male cousins don’t really care for their parents once they marry. I worry about my son’s future spouse not liking me. I worry that the bond I have with him might get complicated.

I think that’s why having a daughter feels different—you remain her mum no matter what, even if her spouse dislikes you. That kind of bond seems… unshakeable.

Even as a healthcare worker, I find myself grieving in advance for moms of boys. Most of them end up really alone in their later years; it’s usually the daughters showing up, and it just feels so extreme. However, I want to clarify: I’m not expecting my future kids to be my caregivers. I’m just saying that with daughters, she naturally remains close, while men usually drift toward their wives’ families.

Ever since I found out the gender, I haven’t felt excited at all—my heart races with anxiety and sadness thinking about the future. I just think what’s the point…
I’m considering planning a secound pregnancy so I hopefully get a girl.

Will I eventually get the girl I’m dreaming for?

Have any other moms of boys felt like this? How do you navigate these feelings?

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐.
Your last sentence is very apt 🙏.

Oh well. I have a very difficult relationship with my mum. It's my brother who actually is very involved with helping her with her weekly food shop as he stays local and I don't.

I can't stand shopping, I can't stand dying my hair (she's into all that stuff). She's not academic but I am. We don't have anything in common. Except....gynae issues. Yep, we have that in common. So nothing positive basically.

I think you'll love your baby boy when you meet him. Because he is all yours.

I have four sons (no daughters). I was relieved that my last was a boy because of all the reasons above especially gynae issues. I wouldn't want to inflict that on a daughter. My maternal grandmother was the same, lots of gynae issues. I am relieved that I broke the cycle down the generations.

I get on great with all my four sons, there's always someone to help, I really enjoy it more because they're the opposite sex to me. I learn stuff I didn't know all the time! It's just a lot of work but having four children would do that to anyone 🤣

As someone who nearly lost their baby at the end, trust me this is complete nonsense. The gender of your baby does not matter. It is a beautiful baby and all that matters is that it is healthy. In the nicest possible way have a big think and move on from this as you’ll look back and wonder why you ever felt this way the second that baby is in your arms OP

My dh mum said this to him and his sister constantly growing up. It became a self fulfilling prophecy because she never put the effort in with him, assuming he’d just bugger off when he was older and want nothing to do with him. He doesn’t, but not because of his sex because of the way she treated him and her disdain for him. Don’t let that phrase dictate your relationship.

Cautionary tale to not spout uneducated nonsense to your children when they are at impressionable ages as it can have a long term negative effect - as demonstrated here.

Your mother was spouting utter bullshit. So are you.

Your poor little boy isn't even born yet and you have already decided, based on your mother's ridiculous witterings, that you are disappointed in him. You really need to give yourself a massive talking to.

When your baby is born keep him away from your smug mother.

@SJM1988 I agree I’ve always had this fear of having boys tbh early on, except now it’s magnified now…

I was similarly disappointed when I learned that I was having a baby boy. I went into some deep rabbit holes on the internet and was shocked by how negative people are towards baby boys online. I found so many people saying really horrendous things, like having a baby boy was some grand tragedy, or just like losing a competition? Obviously it made me feel much worse and I continued to feel quite bleak for pretty much the rest of the pregnancy.

You’ve heard the same from so many people already, but I’ll say it again… Once he was born I ADORED HIM, and that love has only grown. Now I don’t just feel that it’s ‘ok’ that he’s a boy - it’s an actively wonderful thing and if anything I sometimes feel sorry for people who have baby girls!! Baby boys are adorable, gorgeous, cuddly, affectionate, characterful, funny… Yes I’m sure baby girls are too, but there’s enough written online about how great girls are, I don’t think there’s a need for any more!!

I have never once wished my boy was a girl. I love him and love that he’s a boy. He is beyond precious and I feel so lucky to have a son. Next time, would I like a girl? Sure, but only because it would be nice to have one of each. But if I do have a girl a small part of me will be sad not to have another tiny boy! They are just heaven.

You may not believe any of this at this point but I promise once he is born you will!

Also although I can’t comment on what it’s like to have an adult son, I will say that when we were doing our NCT course the facilitator had three grown up sons, one of whom (30ish?) drove her to and from the venue every session, helped her set up the room and was clearly a great friend to her. They were going for lunch after our final session. My husband is similarly great friends with his mother. The ‘you lose your son when he grows up’ thing is sexist rubbish.

Have you considered a termination? It’s not fair to bring an unwanted baby into the world. What on earth were you thinking, getting pregnant in the first place?

If you had a fear of having a boy, you shouldn’t have had a baby at all.

You need to work on this before he is born. SIL felt like this with her ds, she says that she can’t allow herself to even look at photos of when she was pregnant because she feels so guilty for feeling like that.

Please deal with this fear. Make sure that you talk to your midwife and ask a referral for counselling.
If it's that much of a problem, a "fear", then it needs to be sorted before the little lad is born.

Let me tell you, having an adult son is brilliant. Just lovely.

If you really had a fear of having a baby boy then you shouldn’t have had a baby at all imo.

My mother desperately wanted a boy after having my older sister, but she got a girl (me) instead. She did get a boy after me, who has been the golden child for over 50yrs, but she was and is absolutely vile to me, so much so that we barely have a relationship. Your child will know he wasn’t wanted, especially if you go on to have a baby girl, and it will screw him up for life.

I have 2 adult sons who I absolutely adore and we spend a lot of time together. We, also, have a 2yo grandson, I’ve missed nothing from not having a daughter. I’ve missed a hell of a lot from having a mother who wanted a different gender though.

But you know that the chance is 50/50 though so why stress about it.
In the main, Children are a product of your parenting.

(obviously that’s different if there are any SEN or health issues)

Then, respectfully, OP, why have a baby at all, when you know the chances of having a boy are roughly 50/50? Would you get into a plane with 50/50 odds it was going to land safely at your destination?

Similar.

Meeting with the celebrant as we arranged my fathers funeral, my mother looked at my brother and said
“he (our father) got what he wanted when I had you” kind of flicked her hands in my direction and added “he loved her as well…but he REALLY loved you”.

Devastating.

My brother despite being obnoxious, is the golden child. I suspected but to hear it said. Awful.

Please, please don’t have any more children.
your poor boy.

When I had my second son , my sister had a
girl after a boy just days apart from me , all I got was snide remarks, pity and so your going to try again for a girl . Both are now young adults . My niece is utterly vile and disliked by everyone. And that little boy who was shunned and pitied has a wonderful personality and nature and is adored by all he meets .

I had my son first. Didn't care what gender my baby was. When I was pregnant the second time, I was desperate for another boy as my first son was so perfect. Scan showed I was having a girl. We didn't tell people but they said after it was obvious because I was so depressed for a few days. Anyhow, as it turns out having a daughter is perfect too. Just hope for a healthy baby. That's the only thing that matters.

This. I have a daughter and a son. They have grown into amazing adults. I am close to both. We talk often and get together several times a month. There are plenty of mothers and daughters who can barely stand each other (they are all over Mumsnet). Celebrate your heathy son and help create a relationship you will both want to maintain.

AI yet again!!!!

I have an adult son, we are really close and spend time together lots.. He isn’t married but he comes round for dinner with his girlfriend I think just as much as he goes to her parents.
On the other side, I’m a ‘daughter’ and I can’t stand my mother and haven’t spoken to her in 5 years.

You do know that a daughter for life a son til a wife is just an old woman's tale. Loads of blokes still have close relationships with their parents just as loads of females go NC with their mothers (plenty posts on this site confirming NC). I tend to find kids reduce/cut contact when parents have been overbearing.