In-laws away 2 weeks after due date

[anotheronettc]

Need some advice as I feel pretty lost and stressed. My due date is 14th June, we have just sold our house and will be moving around the time of baby being born or in July. We already have a two and four year old. I have no family, literally none, they are in a cult (as crazy as that sounds). I have friends but they all have very small kids with no spare rooms etc. my in laws have said that they have booked a three week trip to America two weeks after the due date. With my last baby I was two weeks late. They had my eldest son was 2 year old was born just for a couple of days. They weren’t around after that to see much of the new baby as they were in London for their daughter’s wedding fair enough. With my first my MIL decided to go to a festival two days before my induction date knowing she’d have to quarantine if she caught covid there which she did and didn’t meet my firstborn for two weeks. No apology or anything. When my second was born they said they were off to London for a gig on the due date weekend so I spent that whole weekend trying my best not to panic as we had no one around but luckily I was late.

anyway I just feel really shit and like I need to find someone people who can be around. And I’m struggling knowing I won’t have any support after the baby is here and we are possibly trying to move.

to add another layer. They don’t help us on a regular basis which I have accepted .. they will have them if we are going away for a night or big things like that but not like one afternoon a week etc. I don’t mind that but I do feel sad that they don’t seek a relationship with the kids.

they are however giving us some money to help us move into our new house. And I’m so grateful for that but I wish I didn’t feel like I have to beg for help and feel like I can’t express that I wish they were here in case I’m late with this baby because they are lending us money.

im just finding it all so hard at the moment and thinking I’ve made a bad choice in growing my family even more.

I’d say actually instead of giving any useful advice you’ve been rude, accusatory and just frankly mean. I don’t know much about you but from the way you post you seem like maybe you’re insecure about the input you’re giving perhaps to your grandchildren .. and looking to make yourself feel better. Don’t have kids if you’re not prepared to help your kids when they are grown. And by the way all I want is someone to have my kids while I give birth… what an ask hey!!!

Op I really do hope you find the courage to ask them but if you are as rude in real life as you have been on this thread I really don’t think you need you ask.
And before you come away with the boomer nonsense I am not, I don’t have a chip on my shoulder either as my DC’s have 4 very involved grandparents, my husband was at both of their births as we had childcare in place.

Let me explain something I’ve learned about in-laws because I was desperate to be part of ex-DH’s family, since he kept me from my own, and I don’t want you to be hurt like I was. But you are labouring under a lot of false assumptions about what a “normal family” is.

It doesn’t matter if you have no family. It doesn’t matter if you had a rough upbringing. No one is going to treat their son and DIL the way they treat their daughter and SIL. They have a mother-daughter relationship established over a lifetime, and you don’t, and the fact that you’re hurt by the loss of that relationship with your own family does not mean they will treat you like a blood daughter (cue 100 people disagreeing with me, but I still think that’s the exception, not the rule). It hurts, it sucks, but it’s true. If you were to divorce DH, you’d likely never hear from them or see them again. When exDH replaced me with one of my friends when I was sick, it was a real shock - I was betrayed by my DH and one of my closest friends, and his family, especially his aunt who I thought was honestly one of my friends, couldn’t wait to embrace her and couldn’t have given a shit less what he did. Yes, occasionally you see these posts on here where people say their in-laws have supported them when their DH had an affair, but it’s not necessarily the norm, and that support rarely lasts through divorce.

I wouldn’t say they’re “shit grandparents.” They see and interact with your children, and they’re giving you money to help. I realize you’d rather have an involved family than the money, but sadly, we don’t get to choose in life. They’ve already made it clear that their time and energy are reserved for their daughter and her children. If you can’t rely on them (and you can’t, I assume - would they cancel their plans if you gave birth two days before they leave and either you or baby is poorly? If you don’t know for certain, ask them), then you have enough time to make a choice, and I figure you have three:

1. your DH will have to stay home with the children and you’ll either need to go to the hospital on your own or find a friend to be your birthing partner. I imagine this happens every day in large maternity units. On One Born Every Minute, there’s a woman in your situation at least once or twice a season (and one woman, a recent immigrant, who had no support at all, not even a partner). I just watched a woman’s DH and 2 year old take her to the hospital and then he went back home with the 2 year old and she stayed to give birth.
2. Someone, likely another mother with young children (since you said that’s all your friends) will have to watch the children; your husband stays at hospital with you, but needs to pick the children up if you’re in for more than one night.
3. You use the money from the ILs to hire in help for a few days from a registered temporary nanny website. They have several that specifically advertise for maternity or night nannies, depending on where you’re based.

You need to have a plan for all eventualities that doesn’t involve relying on your ILs; on any given day, something could happen to you or DH or one of the children, and it sounds like you don’t have any emergency plan of who would care for your current children temporarily.

I wish you the very best of luck. This shite is difficult, especially when your own family have cut you off (or you cut them off) and you just want a family like you see other people have. I would recommend appreciating what your ILs are willing to give, and focusing on gratitude for that instead of anger over wanting more; it has nothing to do with whether they’re right or not, but if a situation is unlikely to change, the only person you upset by being angry over it is yourself.

I haven’t ever expected on call childcare. I don’t expect any childcare .. I gave up on that expectatoon very quickly after having my first. Birth is an exception surely .. like you help your family in a situation like that. I’d help anyone in that situation. A friend even.

If they have booked to go away 2 weeks after your due date then I don’t see the problem. You will be able to have an induction well before you go 14 days over so (if they agree) they can have the children whilst you give birth and then go on holiday. I suspect you actually mean you want them to stick around and help for weeks, and not just a few hours/ a day like you have suggested

Its very stressful not having a plan for the birth but I am certain your friends will step in and help you, i definitely would for any of my friends.

Your IL's support you in other ways and I think maybe you and your partner need to be more explicit with what help you want from them, but be prepared for them to say they dont want to do any childcare and are happy with how often they already see the kids. At least you'll know where you stand.

My parents and in laws both live 3/4 hours away and my parents make so much effort with the kids, visiting every 6 weeks to stay for a week or weekend - but they've never provided childcare. MIL comes down half as much if less. She doesnt see it as her place and is mindful of getting in the way or taking time away from my parents. We have to reslly push for her to visit and I feel like she thinks we dont want her there often enough and she didnt meet her GC for nearly 2 months! Maybe this is what your ILs think?

So, ask a friend then.

You’re right you don’t know me at all.
Because I am not at the age to have grandkids - I’m not sure why you think you’re so young compared to everyone else on here, it’s a bit weird tbh.
This site is full of young mum’s.

But when I get to that age then I would absolutely be supportive but it doesn’t mean I’m going to be taken advantage of.

Your PIL do help you.
Whats a slap in the face is his you’re moaning about them not helping you more, whilst your own parents don’t help at all.

It’s understandable that you want someone to have your kids whilst you give birth but it’s not fair that these people are getting the full blame when you both have other family members or friends who you could also ask.

You have to ask yourself why they are so involved in their other GCs lives and less so in your DCs lives.

Perhaps it’s because you’ve been so ageist and rude to the people who you assume are older than you on here and you also have this issue in RL too.

Hopefully they will be around for the birth but if not then you’ll need to have a plan b.

Thank you that’s really helpful and yes today has made me realise that I need to make some plans. I think I will pay for a doula who can do childcare and plan again for a home birth and have friends on call. You’re totally right and I said this to husband that I imagined that family would feel so different outside of my experience growing up and it’s hard realising that. I don’t ask them for childcare unless I’m truly desperate and will always go out of my way to make it as easy as possible for them , I am just in a potential pickle like you say If there are problems and I will figure it out.

But they do do childcare? You said they did?

If you haven't already exchanged, agree a completion date in mid or late July. You could also elect to have a caesarean to ease planning.

You need to have a plan b anyway but if they’re not going away until 2 weeks after your due date, then they’ll likely be around for the birth anyway because you’ll be induced if you’re late.

sorry you keep going on about why I’m not complaining about my parents? after no contact for ten years you think I’d rant on here about them
not being around? it’s completely not relevant, I wouldn’t even let them around my children for their own wellbeing. You’re twisting and making this into something wild. I want my in-laws to be around when I give birth so my kids have somewhere safe to go, they’ve never had a sleepover anywhere else.. you seem to think I get a load of help and that I’m not grateful. You have no clue how thankful I am when they say watch the kids . No clue. I’m here for advice practically, I have no interest in your opinion of me. Good bye

Will I?? Wow you seem to know a lot about my birth choices as well.

Why are you assuming I’d have an induction to fit around my in laws holiday? Or at all if I didn’t medically need one? I didn’t get induced at two weeks late with my last birth. honestly.

It’s nice to hear how grateful you are for all of the help that they do give you.

Hopefully they will not have gone on holiday by the time you go into labour but it’s always a good idea to have a plan b.

I am sure someone can watch your kids for a few hours whilst you’re in labour but obviously worst comes to worst it may be that DH stays home and you either go alone or ask someone else to support you whilst giving birth.

Goodness op you’re incredibly rude to lots of people.

From what I’ve picked up your Ils are giving you money to move, they paid for you to go to Italy and had the kids, they have your kids so you can go out - you can’t keep your story straight about previous births even though your kids are only 4 and 2 - you planned baby number 3, you decided to assume they’d drop everything for you and you’re now being a complete princess

Ask a friend - if you’ve got any - but your ils help you a lot more than many would and you’re annoyed as you assumed they’d put plans on hold despite the fact you didn’t ask them and neither did your DH

If I was you ILS I’d be going away a lot more just to avoid you!

That birth that you said didn’t go to plan but was also amazing?

I think you've had a really hard time here OP, I would also feel very anxious about getting through the house move and birth without outside support too.

As PP have said, if funds allow then get packers and well as movers so your DH can focus on looking after the older 2 whilst the practicalities get sorted. Get a cleaner in to do a deep clean so you guys don't have to think about that either.

Definitely look into doulas too, they will vary in what support they can offer in terms of childcare etc but building a rapport with someone you trust before the birth will help to allay some of the worry in case childcare plans did fall through at the time.

Also can you speak to any of your close friends about your worries about the birth and not having your DH there? If it was one of my friends I'd happily help them out and look after their DC in these circumstances, with my own 2 as well.

Also speak to your midwife about your worries- they may be able to connect you with services such as home start that have volunteers that can visit post natally and offer support. Services will vary dependant on your area but it is always worth having that conversation.

Really feel for you, I have no one that can look after my children other than my brother who will have them in an emergency but overnight would be a real challenge. My DH works away for 4 weeks at a time too and it's really bloody hard.

Wishing you all the best with it all!

Sorry, can those two things not happen? Are you saying it’s not possible for it to not go to plan but still be amazing compared to a first incredibly traumatic first birth with induction?

Would you consider an elective c section? I know of people that have done this to deal with the childcare issue.

an alternative, and I did this in order to avoid being induced. Was having a sweep as early as possible, mine did it from 39weeks.

You do not come across well in this post. You are very argumentative and entitled.
They have booked holiday for two weeks after your due date. The majority of women would have delivered or chosen to induce by that point.
You are obviously entitled to do what you want with regards to post due date management. But that is your choice. Also your choice to have a third knowing they weren’t super hands-on.

They don’t have to hang around and wait for you indefinitely.

They have given you a significant injection of cash. But that doesn’t seem to be good enough for you. Look at some of the posts on here about what others are dealing with and count your luck, not moan about the bits that aren’t perfect for you.

Thank you so much , i will look into homestart and making other plans. I’ve heard some really good advice so it makes the total character assassination slightly worth it.

Appreciate your advice but after a heavily medicalised first birth that really messed me up I decided for my second and now third to avoid intervention unless absolutely necessary.