In-laws away 2 weeks after due date

[anotheronettc]

Need some advice as I feel pretty lost and stressed. My due date is 14th June, we have just sold our house and will be moving around the time of baby being born or in July. We already have a two and four year old. I have no family, literally none, they are in a cult (as crazy as that sounds). I have friends but they all have very small kids with no spare rooms etc. my in laws have said that they have booked a three week trip to America two weeks after the due date. With my last baby I was two weeks late. They had my eldest son was 2 year old was born just for a couple of days. They weren’t around after that to see much of the new baby as they were in London for their daughter’s wedding fair enough. With my first my MIL decided to go to a festival two days before my induction date knowing she’d have to quarantine if she caught covid there which she did and didn’t meet my firstborn for two weeks. No apology or anything. When my second was born they said they were off to London for a gig on the due date weekend so I spent that whole weekend trying my best not to panic as we had no one around but luckily I was late.

anyway I just feel really shit and like I need to find someone people who can be around. And I’m struggling knowing I won’t have any support after the baby is here and we are possibly trying to move.

to add another layer. They don’t help us on a regular basis which I have accepted .. they will have them if we are going away for a night or big things like that but not like one afternoon a week etc. I don’t mind that but I do feel sad that they don’t seek a relationship with the kids.

they are however giving us some money to help us move into our new house. And I’m so grateful for that but I wish I didn’t feel like I have to beg for help and feel like I can’t express that I wish they were here in case I’m late with this baby because they are lending us money.

im just finding it all so hard at the moment and thinking I’ve made a bad choice in growing my family even more.

In my head..‘I’ve chosen to have kids.. that means I’m there for them until I die. When they are grown up and have kids I’ll be there for them for that as well. Do we just abandon responsibility when are kids are grown up. And like we don’t want them to pack our house up and have the kids for three weeks. Just literally to be there when I give birth to physically watch the kids

When my second was born my first went to a neighbours house. With the third, a friend had offered to have number 2 and number 1went with a school friend after school. Both came home that evening after I’d given birth.

These things have a way of working themselves out.

Thank you, yeah I’m just stressed that I will have to give birth without my husband as the kids will have no place to go. I had a very traumatic bbirth and am already terrified

I can’t see what they are doing wrong op.
They have your DC’s for the night, just because they don’t provide regular childcare does not mean they are bad grandparents.
You know you have no support from your family, with respect it was your choice to have a third child, but you can’t expect them put their lives on hold.

Did you ask them to help? They aren’t mind readers, nor should there be unspoken expectations that they will be there waiting for your command (which could be foreseen based on previous behaviour) .

Are the other grandchildren their daughter’s, perchance?

Hope so

I gave birth alone ie just midwives...we had no support system. It was fine.

Come back in 30 years and tell me if you still feel that you’ll sacrifice your own wellbeing for them until the day you die. Because after raising them you start to feel as if you can have nothing of your own again until the day you die!

Honestly. Yeah that might be true. I expect my husband to have these chats with them when he sees them but maybe that doesn’t happen. With my second born they had my son and they know I have no family. Isn’t it the norm for grandparents to do that? And yes it’s their daughter, they haven’t really seen my kids since their daughter had a baby a year ago.

My own wellbeing? Being there when they give birth if they need help. Doesn’t seem too hard.

We are not all the same.

My parents lived hundreds of miles away when DD was due, and the in laws are thousands of miles away. DH was working away until 1 week before my due date so if I’d gone early, he would have missed it. She was 2 weeks late so if anyone had travelled to be here around the due date they could have been here a month. I was completely prepared to give birth alone if I had to.

Her birth was so traumatic she is an only child.

Is a home birth an option? That way your husband doesn’t have to choose between you and your children.

I don’t expect them to have them regularly despite them having their other grandchildren regularly but it hurts, I hurt for my kids that they don’t get the same treatment. Just expected them to want to be there to meet their next grandchild.. it’s wild to me that someone wouldn’t: what happens to people

This is also fairly normal.

Kindly, it’s not that they are unreasonable, it’s that your expectations are.

Sorry - did you say that your partner's parents are helping you financially buy the new house? If so you are being incredibly entitled.

that Sounds hard. Well done. My in laws live ten minutes away. I know they can’t say they won’t leave the house for the while of June but booking a three week trip felt a little strange to me. Yes I tried for a home birth last time.. just didn’t work out. I am happy to try again but if I have to rush into hospital then that leaves the kids

DD is the first grandchild on both sides and PIL didn’t visit till she was 3 weeks old and we had to drive hundreds of miles when she was 8 weeks for the rest of the family to meet her. They wouldn’t have bothered otherwise.

There are now 8 grandchildren - they live next door to 3 of them and see the others regularly but they haven’t visited us since DD was 2. (She’s nearly 16.). Fuck ‘em.

Surely your thread should be about the family that doesn’t help at all, not the ones that actually do (even if it’s not much).

I think you’re very lucky that they’ve helped you with money and the DCs but I do understand why it would be nice for them to be there for support.

It doesn’t sound like this is new for them and that they’ve always been less hands on.
Therefore choosing to have a baby and then moaning about how little help they are seems odd.

I think you are under stress with the new baby coming and the house move.
I would just throw as much money at it as you can afford - get packers, can you afford a temporary nanny or cleaner just to ease the stress.

So because they are helping us move that means I can’t be stressed about this? They’ve helped all their four kids move, doesn’t mean they have a great relationship with them

Why would I even waste my time? My family were abusive and haven’t spoken to me for over ten years.. you think they’d be a childcare option or have anything to do with my life now?

You’re doing 2 of the most stressful things you can do at the same time.

This is where you and DH need to be a team and come up with solutions that don’t rely on his parents.

If you knew you had no support apart from your in-laws, did you ask them and make a plan for them to have the kids while you give birth? If they agreed, then booked a holiday, yes that's unreasonable of them.

If you just assumed they would be available, but didn't actually ask them and 'book' them in then you can't really complain.

They spoke about this holiday at the beginning of the year and asked my due date obviously knowing we’d need them and booked it for then.. so

No but if you are going to start a thread about having no help, it should be about the family who doesn’t help you at all - not the ones that do.

Its a bit of a slap in the face for them that they give you money and look after your DCs but you’re moaning that they’re not doing enough, whilst your parents actually do nothing.

They say the more you do for people, the more they expect.
And gently, you are proving this correct.

You say it’s wild to you the way they are behaving but your family aren’t helping you, do you think you have unrealistic expectations on how “normal” families operate?
Its not up to your in-laws to make up the difference because you have no family support

Well personally I think it’s the bare minimum if you actually love your family. My family don’t love me or my kids that’s why they haven’t ever met them. By your logic my kids should expect two shit sets of grandparents? My family are quite unique surely the norm should be that you help your kids out occasionally.. I hope that’s what I do anyway