In-laws away 2 weeks after due date

[anotheronettc]

Need some advice as I feel pretty lost and stressed. My due date is 14th June, we have just sold our house and will be moving around the time of baby being born or in July. We already have a two and four year old. I have no family, literally none, they are in a cult (as crazy as that sounds). I have friends but they all have very small kids with no spare rooms etc. my in laws have said that they have booked a three week trip to America two weeks after the due date. With my last baby I was two weeks late. They had my eldest son was 2 year old was born just for a couple of days. They weren’t around after that to see much of the new baby as they were in London for their daughter’s wedding fair enough. With my first my MIL decided to go to a festival two days before my induction date knowing she’d have to quarantine if she caught covid there which she did and didn’t meet my firstborn for two weeks. No apology or anything. When my second was born they said they were off to London for a gig on the due date weekend so I spent that whole weekend trying my best not to panic as we had no one around but luckily I was late.

anyway I just feel really shit and like I need to find someone people who can be around. And I’m struggling knowing I won’t have any support after the baby is here and we are possibly trying to move.

to add another layer. They don’t help us on a regular basis which I have accepted .. they will have them if we are going away for a night or big things like that but not like one afternoon a week etc. I don’t mind that but I do feel sad that they don’t seek a relationship with the kids.

they are however giving us some money to help us move into our new house. And I’m so grateful for that but I wish I didn’t feel like I have to beg for help and feel like I can’t express that I wish they were here in case I’m late with this baby because they are lending us money.

im just finding it all so hard at the moment and thinking I’ve made a bad choice in growing my family even more.

Removal companies put furniture where you want it and can unpack if you pay for that. Maybe other grandchildren are easier? Who knows?

You don’t have to beg them for help you just have to stop expecting it.

As others have said you need to sort it out yourself and not being angry because two weeks after your due date they have planned a trip. The can’t be on call for two months in case bay comes early or late.

Like others have said a lot of people don’t have any family or support around and they manage - neighbour, friends, nanny service, childminder etc.

You are very focused on being angry at the but again as others have said you decided to have a third and knew you didn’t have support and haven't figured it out so are blaming them.

But it’s not their responsibility at all? If they want to, sure, but they are not obliged to help.

Did you ask them explicitly when you told them you were pregnant if they could be around to have your younger kids when you go int Labour? What did they say?

It sounds like a tough period for you to work out, but it's not their responsibility, choice or issue, and this is what stood out for me: 'They don’t help us on a regular basis which I have accepted .. they will have them if we are going away for a night or big things like that but not like one afternoon a week etc. I don’t mind that but I do feel sad that they don’t seek a relationship with the kids.'

They help you out if you go away. They are giving you money. And yet you state that unless they help you out once a week you think they aren't seeking a relationship with the kids.

There seems to be a lot of this here recently - the expectation that grandparents must provide regular childcare (an afternoon a week is a LOT) and if they don't it means they are not interested in nor will have a relationship with the grandkids.

One a week, once a year, even just the odd zoom call if that's the only thing that can be done if grandparents work or live far away - it can (and often does) equal a good, long term, healthy relationship.

They have their own lives. They sound busy, but loving. They help you out. Give them a break.

It's tough having three young kids - I've done it - but it's up to us to provide for our own kids. Nobody else.

sounds like you will need to hire a nanny/mother’s help for a few weeks after the baby is born.

Sorry but you sound very entitled! Get your partner to mind the other two, it’s what many of us had to do .

Yeah, it doesn't sound like you really asked them.

You needed to ask them not to book between X and Y date and properly arrange it.

With all due respect some of us would really appreciate the help you do get. My husband missed the birth of our second because we genuinely have no childcare and we’ve never both together had a night away from them. It is what it is. We’re planning a home birth for our third but if it doesn’t go to plan I’d rather he’s there for our other two anyway, as nice as it would be to have him there it’s not going to change anything.

I literally don’t get this thread.
I’m 34 OP with kids and I think you’re being unreasonable unless you specifically asked if they could look after the children when you went into labour? If you didn’t ask, they can do what they want?
Kindly, I think your experiences with your own family have perhaps skewed your perception of what you think parents and grandparents should do to show their love.
I’ve had the best parents thankfully but I understand they have worked very very hard all their lives and given me and my siblings what they could. They help with child care but when they decline or say they are going away I totally accept it because they certainly deserve to do what they want when they want.

Kindly, you know what your support network is like and decided to have a third baby. They are clearly active, sociable people and not traditional always available grandparents. Whilst that’s a shame for you, it’s not an entitlement. It’s great for them! Why have you not built your support network (“village”) over the years?

You need to stop expecting help, they don’t owe it to you and you aren’t entitled to it. As lovely as it would be, they have obviously chosen to live their lives their way.

Unless of course you are being evicted, why would you choose to move at the same time as your due date?!

Practically, I would start looking at booking reliable, professional childcare for when you go in to hospital. Look for a temporary nanny or childminder who can do overnight care and/or be flexible with a last minute/late hospital admission.

That needs to be a priority for your peace of mind so your partner can be present at the birth without the worry of finding someone for your child.

If the move is non negotiable then I would book professionals to pack, move and unpack at the other end.

The lies?

That sounds so hard and I’m sorry that’s what you deal with. It’s true, it’s definitely a generational thing, my grandparents always looked after me but none of my peers get much support from their parents unfortunately. Their loss xxx

So you DIDN’T even ask them when this conversation took place?! You’re unreal. I feel so sorry for your in laws.

Kindly you sound entitled. They are about if you go before and if they are away then I am sure you will cope with your husband as much as that may be you will be fine. 3 kids in 4 years and I never asked anyone to be around to help. My kids have never been to a grandparent overnight as they don’t ask. I just think they like living their life and seeing kids when it suits. Honestly I don’t expect anything and I appreciate I know that they don’t want to do childcare. I was told that for the 1st.

They do help out though.

It sounds as though they were very involved when the other DCs were born.

They will also babysit and even gave them money.

OPs parents don’t do anything at all but she’s upset with the ones who are actually involved and there for them, which seems very unfair.

Good idea thank you. I’m sure they don’t realise and I’d like to find the courage to ask them why they don’t see them for months at a time as they only live ten minutes away. They had kids early so I know they are living life fully in their retirement and t think they should. I just sometimes feel for my kids as they are already missing one set of grandparents. Anyway, I’ll find a way to deal with this and I’m sure it will all be fine. Thanks

They help out occasionally they have never been very involved if I’ve said that then that was be being extremely generous. I’m here for advice on my currrent situation not to debate women with chips on their shoulders about their life. Please exit this thread and find another young mother to bully. Bye

Respectfully good for you but don’t expect others to want the same situation as you. We are allowed to have our own struggles. I’m happy for you that you succeeded

I really do understand your disappointment. I was worried about booking a weekend away 4 weeks before my grandchild was due . Some people just don’t have the same family connection that others do .

Cannot stand people who start their post with kindly,so patronising and insincere. You actually couldn’t give a toss but need to make your point in a ‘kindly’ way!

OP you sound very difficult.

You have posted for advice and opinions but been extremely rude to posters who don’t agree with you.

And then you wonder why you have such little support in real life.

Whats the point in posting if you can’t cope with people having a different opinion to you.

I really hope you use this thread to reflect on your own behaviour in RL and how it might impact on why someone living 10mins away doesn’t see you very often 💐

They are helping you to fund your new house, they have the little ones for nights so you can go out when you need to. I think they are supporting you very well. Whilst it might be nice, I would never expect grandparents to provide care for my kids, they do have lives of their own and depending on age, it is a big commitment which can be very tiring for people in their later years.

Where is the baby’s dad?

Have you actually asked them to help?

has your husband actually asked them?

they’ve been helpful before and they’ve given you money. They’re not coming across as bad people.