In-laws away 2 weeks after due date

[anotheronettc]

Need some advice as I feel pretty lost and stressed. My due date is 14th June, we have just sold our house and will be moving around the time of baby being born or in July. We already have a two and four year old. I have no family, literally none, they are in a cult (as crazy as that sounds). I have friends but they all have very small kids with no spare rooms etc. my in laws have said that they have booked a three week trip to America two weeks after the due date. With my last baby I was two weeks late. They had my eldest son was 2 year old was born just for a couple of days. They weren’t around after that to see much of the new baby as they were in London for their daughter’s wedding fair enough. With my first my MIL decided to go to a festival two days before my induction date knowing she’d have to quarantine if she caught covid there which she did and didn’t meet my firstborn for two weeks. No apology or anything. When my second was born they said they were off to London for a gig on the due date weekend so I spent that whole weekend trying my best not to panic as we had no one around but luckily I was late.

anyway I just feel really shit and like I need to find someone people who can be around. And I’m struggling knowing I won’t have any support after the baby is here and we are possibly trying to move.

to add another layer. They don’t help us on a regular basis which I have accepted .. they will have them if we are going away for a night or big things like that but not like one afternoon a week etc. I don’t mind that but I do feel sad that they don’t seek a relationship with the kids.

they are however giving us some money to help us move into our new house. And I’m so grateful for that but I wish I didn’t feel like I have to beg for help and feel like I can’t express that I wish they were here in case I’m late with this baby because they are lending us money.

im just finding it all so hard at the moment and thinking I’ve made a bad choice in growing my family even more.

In other threads, some very old, you say the birth of your second child was “amazing” and that your in-laws spent loads of time with your first child (including extended stays before he was 6 months old). Not pointing this out to get at you, but you are understandably extremely stressed just now and painting things in a light which suits the current narrative.

Ultimately, people won’t behave as you think they will so you have to stop expecting them to.

Wait so you didn’t even ask them?? You’re being totally unreasonable so.

Organise a nanny for after the birth now so that you can be with baby and DH can prep for the move. You can use some of the money you saved since your IL are helping with the house purchase.

Absolutely this.

I can’t picture my husband moving boxes while I breast feed and try and look after the two.

Why not?

Doesn’t sound like you’ve asked for help though.

Sounds like my dream! No in-law visits shortly after having a new baby.

But I do understand it’s worrying if you are late and have no one to have your older DC. Could DHs sister or BIL come to look after them? Or failing that either hire a doula to come with you to the hospital while DH stays with kids or a nanny/babysitter to come to the house, you could have them over a couple of times between now and your due date.

where you late with your other 2 kids? (Sorry if you have already mentioned that I couldn’t see it!)

You only need someone extra on hand for the actual time you are in hospital giving birth, someone to look after the existing children then. After that, you and DH will manage fine. Presumably the oldest DC is in nursery, and maybe the year old is as well, at least for some of the time. Lots of people find having number 3 quite easy, they slot in to the existing family routine because they have to, and are entertained by their siblings.
Get emergency plans made for giving birth, and try not to worry.

They’re helping you with the move. You don’t say how old they are, maybe they don’t feel up to helping, maybe they feel the birth will be all over with by then, maybe they could t get other dates or the price shot up for later dates.

They had the oldest for a couple of days after the birth of the second? theres absolutely no reason for the grandparents to have the older children overnight after the birth. They can just come home.

You mention other grandchildren, can their parents not offer any support.

Honestly, you are already getting a lot of support from them, they have the children for the odd overnight. When should they have scheduled their trip? If they go any later the price rise will be huge!

But did you actually ask them to be available to help out?

Just read these. Not how you are describing here at all OP.

I was in hospital for 3 day after having DD. If I had another child she would have needed to have been somewhere safe!

I think you just need to accept the situation for how it is and make plans of how to manage.

Maybe look at paid childcare options over night if needed for labour. See if there is temporary nanny's through an agency or something...Start looking now and if you find someone suitable, get the kids used to them now. Or have a chat with a friend or a doula for birth and dh stay with lo's

You can't change your in-laws and they aren't actually unreasonable to want to carry on their own lives and plans.

You just need to be prepared to manage without them

Two of the most stressful things at once, baby and moving.

I agree grandparents are entitled to live their life and I understand why your stressed.

if this was;
packers for moving - god send
husband looks after the older 2.
no it’s not ideal giving birth on your own but I would feel more at peace knowing the kids are ok and well looked after.
I feel like I’d be stressed if I left them with friends more so for how long etc.

To be fair, this is very unusual, particularly for non first births but in that event why can the firstborn not stay with their father?

I know your in a tough spot but it's not the grandparents fault. They haven't chosen to have three kids.

When you make these big decisions - having kids- you need to think about childcare etc and not expect anything. It is entitled to think they should offer. I'm lucky because my parents would offer but I don't expect them to and if they didn't offer, I wouldn't hold a grudge as it's my kids.

Plus your in-laws are at least helping in other ways eg money . Did you ask if they could be around to help?

And maybe they plan things away at this time as they don't want to be caught doing things and helping out - which is a bit shit but their perogative.

Try not to stress and see if you can get friends to help now before the baby come eg if I get a take away on the weekend can you watch the kids while me and my partner pack etc.

I can understand your fears. Hopefully your baby wont arrive late and then your PIL can help (just make sure you speak to them and check they can and ensure they understand you will need them!) and then have a back up plan in case baby is late. It will all be okay and slot into place. Just right now must seem a lot of juggling needed. Good luck with it all x

This sort of thing used to happen all the time in my house. DH would be training for some event and will say something like “need to get as much training in as I can before X event” and then expect me to magically know what that meant. When he found he couldn’t train at certain times because I was doing something, and complained, I would tell him that if he told me what he needed I would do it, but I am not a mind reader. We now have a physical calendar and he can see which days are free for training and understands that if he leaves days blank, they can and will be overwritten with other things.

“we’re thinking of going to Cuba on holiday in May. When is your due date again?” does not equal “do you want us to make no plans and be around 2 weeks before and 2 weeks afterwards to have the children when you go into labour?”

Could their dad not have looked after them at home at night if you were in hospital?

With her father? If yours isn't available, your situation is not the same as OP's.

I had an assisted delivery - was apparently normal to be in that long. Was just addressing that babies don’t usually arrive without incident during nursery hours to be convenient.

DH was kicked out an hour after DD was born and came back for visiting hours. No dads stayed in the hospital. Again, absolutely normal 15 years ago. I’d had a spinal. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You said you expect your husband to have these convos with them.

Did he actually ?

Has your husband actually spoken to them?

How are they risking your birth?

Boomers? No, most of us are just people living in the real world.

How long around the birth of your child are you expecting them to hang around waiting? They seem to have left 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after the due date free. This seems very kind of them.