I want my baby to have my surname but my boyfriend wants her to have his or for it to be hyphenated. help

[OneTaupeFox]

Hi so idk if this is even the right place for this thread but i need some advice on what to do. Me and my boyfriend had only been together 2 and a half almost 3 months when we found out i was pregnant and at the beginning our relationship was great and i was head over heels inlove. But slowly he stopped putting in the effort and stopped doing the tiny things that he did at the very beginning and it pushed me away (not to mention we’ve never even been on a date). And then we found out i was pregnant, i knew immediately i was going to keep the baby wether he wanted to or not but he decided he also wanted to keep it and stay together to try and make it work. Throughout my pregnancy i have grown to hate him and everything he does and says and have considered breaking up with him, idk if it’s the hormones or me realising he’s not someone i want to be with anymore. He’s tried to be supportive but i genuinely can’t stand anything he does and want nothing to do with him but none the less ive stayed with him for the babies sake. Earlier today we had a conversation about who’s second name the baby will get and i had said i’d like for her to have mine and if we ever get married then she’d get his when i would and he didn’t like that and said he wants for her to have his because she’s his baby as much as she is mine and then i suggested her having his as a middle name as i don’t want my daughter to have a different second name to mine and he still went on that he wants her to have his and that we can do both of ours but im not sure if i want that? Our second names don’t sound good together whatsoever and i don’t want her to grow up getting made fun of for having a weird double second name. And not to mention idk if we will even end up staying together after she’s born. Am i being unreasonable? Or what should i do? Sorry for how long this is i just had to get it off my chest

Your name. It will make your life easier and it’s what you want.

What has he actually done to support you with baby? Has he purchased anything? Has he been to any appointments? If he’s done nothing of his own initiative the idea that you should even consider is request is laughable

Your name. As you say if ever you did marry then you could both take his name.

This Baby should have your name. You will
never get married. He will be flakey. I wouldn’t even hyphenate it to be honest. This whole situation is crazy though. Having a baby with someone you’ve only just met! And he’s already letting you down and being a disappointment- you don’t know him! This is who he is.

Absolutely your name - it sounds like the relationship is over already, you don't like or love him. How will your baby benefit from living with parents in an awful relationship?

I broke up with my ex while I was pregnant, you can thrive on your own with your baby! Having the same surname as your child is much easier day to day.

If you break up before the baby arrives, you can register the babys birth yourself, without his name on the birth cert - having a birth cert without his name on it can make life much easier. You can agree to add his name at a later date, but you won't need to change your child's surname.

If you want to include the father's surname, just have it as a middle name, don't double barrell it eg Jamie Smith Jones, so the Smith is his middle name, not part of the surname.

You sound really young and vulnerable OP. I think the name thing is the least of your worries, but in the non-relationship you describe, you should name the baby. Are you getting real-life support with looking after the baby and help with finances, making a clean break from the father of the baby, putting boundaries in place etc?

The baby gets your name op. That’s actually tradition. The baby gets the mum’s name. It’s just most women in the past were married and the woman had already taken her husband’s name. Don’t let this guy bully you into things you don’t want.

As for staying with him for the sake of the baby, that’s not going to work long term. You need someone, who will support you. Or do it on your own. As you aren’t married, you don’t even have to name the dad. It’s easier for child support. And adding him on means he will forever have parental obligations once he’s on there and a right to seek 50/50 shared care once your baby is older.

Give the baby your name.

Don't marry this arsehole. You clearly don't want to and nor should you feel obliged to.

Even if you do ever get married, you are under no obligation, legal or otherwise, to change your surname to his. Keep your own name.

For me, it should be that baby gets your name and you split with the Dad. It won't work. Don't put his name on the birth certificate either. You don't have to. If you do then he gets to share parental responsibility with you and that could make your life very difficult well into the future even if you split.

Your name. Trust me on this, make sure your baby has your name. I didn’t, it’s been a pain ever since and my 16 year old is in process of changing his to mine.

We have been stopped getting into certain countries and integrated before being let in or just had to show various documents. Right pain.

Definitely your name and I would end the relationship swiftly.

Having a baby is tough when you’re with someone you love who is on the same page. When there are issues they are magnified in those first few tough months with lack of sleep and decisions to make around how you feed, how you sleep, who does what and the million parenting decisions you will need to make.

Honestly I wouldn’t even put him on the birth certificate. If you do he will get rights you may be very uncomfortable with like having to let him have your young baby on his own. If you decide to breast feed being separated will feel unbearable. (And maybe even if you don’t - I can only speak as someone who EBF and could not leave my dd for a second).

You need to put you and the baby first. You need a calm, stable environment, not being around someone you can’t stand. If you decide it’s ok then he can visit the baby and eventually have time each week alone with them, when they are old enough and you feel comfortable with it. Definitely don’t stay with someone you dislike thus much for the baby’s sake as it’s likely the worst thing you could do for them. No baby needs to grow up at the centre of an unhappy relationship.

You are not suited to stay together, Op.
Breakup and start using another person as your birth support -like a mother or sister.

Your boyfriend will adore his child and that is good. He hopefully will be a helpful father. The child doesn't need his name until you are married. That is not likely.

Use his surname, or first name, or his mother's name as a second name.
Name your daughter the same surname as yourself.
Advice on here strongly suggests that you leave him off the birth certificate.

Please, please listen…give your child your name. It can make an enormous difference if things don’t work out.

Your name. Having his is absolutely ridiculous, what has he done to deserve that?

Why would you marry him if you say you hate him?

Sorry but I'm going to oppose the sentiment on here that the father is awful, useless etc and shouldn't even be put on the birth certificate... just because you two aren't in love? Has he done something to deserve being alienated from his child? I'm just imagining if this happened to my sons or brothers how heartbreaking this would be. Well done for trying to build a stable home for your baby and well done for questioning whether your hormones may be playing a part here.

All of the above. I also want to point out that whenever someone says, "I don't know if it's the hormones but..." - it's never the hormones. Don't doubt yourself!

Definitely your name. I'd never say it to anyone but unless you're Spanish or Portuguese I've never heard a good sounding hyphenated surname. They almost always sound clunky to me. I would only consider the middle name thing if you like the sound of it.

you guys haven’t been together long, but I can’t see what he has done specifically that you hate him?

how far along are you? When you say tiny things at the beginning, do you mean the beginning of the pregnancy or dating?

I think you both may have rushed into trying to force a relationship where there isn’t a foundation for one because of the pregnancy? I assume if you haven’t been on a date it because it was just a very thing?

its ok to be good friends and keep things amicable and raise the baby.

how old are you both?

You hate him - 💯 your name!

You hate him, why on earth would you give your baby his name? Tell him tough tits on that one!

Your name. Don’t give him parental responsibility let him go through the courts. End the relationship for your and your baby’s sake. You both deserve better.

Your name OP obviously because you are not married and if I were you I’d get as far away from him as possible before she arrives as he sounds awful and co parenting probably won’t go well

Staying with a man you can’t stand isn’t ’building a stable relationship’, in fact it’s the polar opposite. It’s bringing a baby into a relationship that’s full of anger, hurt, arguments, loathing. If the OP hates him now, how’s she likely to feel once the baby arrives and the stress of a newborn massively increases?
OP, he’s not the man for you, you deserve more as does your baby. This is more than whose name the baby gets, it’s about raising a child in a relationship that’s full you know is doomed.

Baby should always get Mum's name.
If the parents are married, and Mum changed her name at that point, baby could coincidentally get Dads name too.

BUT don't marry this guy.

If you split, will he be as keen to be sole custodian or do 50/50? Highly unlikely. It will be down to you.
Who will be making the most personal and financial sacrifices once baby is born? You again.
Your name.

Coz yous aren't married you dont have to take him with you to register the birth you can do it on your own and give whatever name you like.

I will also say your child will grow up seeing your relationship and think thats what they are and then will do the same in thier life.