I want my baby to have my surname but my boyfriend wants her to have his or for it to be hyphenated. help

[OneTaupeFox]

Hi so idk if this is even the right place for this thread but i need some advice on what to do. Me and my boyfriend had only been together 2 and a half almost 3 months when we found out i was pregnant and at the beginning our relationship was great and i was head over heels inlove. But slowly he stopped putting in the effort and stopped doing the tiny things that he did at the very beginning and it pushed me away (not to mention we’ve never even been on a date). And then we found out i was pregnant, i knew immediately i was going to keep the baby wether he wanted to or not but he decided he also wanted to keep it and stay together to try and make it work. Throughout my pregnancy i have grown to hate him and everything he does and says and have considered breaking up with him, idk if it’s the hormones or me realising he’s not someone i want to be with anymore. He’s tried to be supportive but i genuinely can’t stand anything he does and want nothing to do with him but none the less ive stayed with him for the babies sake. Earlier today we had a conversation about who’s second name the baby will get and i had said i’d like for her to have mine and if we ever get married then she’d get his when i would and he didn’t like that and said he wants for her to have his because she’s his baby as much as she is mine and then i suggested her having his as a middle name as i don’t want my daughter to have a different second name to mine and he still went on that he wants her to have his and that we can do both of ours but im not sure if i want that? Our second names don’t sound good together whatsoever and i don’t want her to grow up getting made fun of for having a weird double second name. And not to mention idk if we will even end up staying together after she’s born. Am i being unreasonable? Or what should i do? Sorry for how long this is i just had to get it off my chest

This does nig make sense. She doesnt want a relationship with him as he hasn't put any effort at all into a relationship with her. That doesnt mean he gets to be a crappy father too .

What do you mean she cannot have everything both ways?

Give the baby your name. Do not budge on this. Tell him he can take your name too if he wants the same name as the baby.

Yes he absolutely can change his name to yours if he is that bothered.
If you give the baby his name, you will end up with a child who doesn’t have the same name as you. This will cause no end of problems for your child least of all the embarrassment of having a name of a random man who he will probably never have a relationship with.
I do think the father should be on the birth certificate though.

Given your current thoughts on him I’d give the baby your name. Mine got their dad’s name as I thought we would eventually get married. We didn’t, we split when they were young, he remarried a man and they all gave the same name and mine is different to my children. I hated this at one time but I am over it now!

There is no way you should be staying together for the ‘babies sake’. What the baby needs is two happy parents and you hate this guy. If he is abusive (your post doesn’t say this explicitly) even more reason to get out now before your child is brought into that dynamic.
Ultimately the name of the baby is your choice. By law you can register baby without him but he can’t register him/her without you. You need to think about whether you want him to have parental rights, which he won’t have if his name isn’t on the birth certificate. Again, if it’s more than just that you don’t like him and he’s a risk, then not giving him parental rights might be the better decision. If it’s just a personality clash and you would want him to play a role in the child’s life, then he can have his name of the birth certificate but this doesn’t mean it has to be his name, it’s still your choice. Obviously don’t take him with you to register baby if he is likely to kick off if he isn’t happy with your choice.

Wtf are you doing in a relationship with a man you don't like?? This is insane. Please God don't say you live together.

End the relationship, have the baby, use contraception next time round. The alternative is a life of misery.

Just as a different point of view, fast forward 5 years, you meet someone else and you marry them. Baby shares no-ones name if Dad is still involved and supportive as you say he wants to be, it’s unlikely he’ll allow the baby to take your new husbands name.

My husband had a baby with someone that it didn’t work out with and they split shortly before the babies birth. My stepson shares my husbands name and its lovely to have this as he lives most of the time with his mum due to distance.

This. It’s as if science hasn’t given us plenty of choices to prevent pregnancy with people we don’t know/don’t like/have no future with. Judgemental much? I don’t care.

When the baby is born the hospital band will have your surname regardless of what is chosen afterwards, so it’s easier to connect the baby and mother for any reason.
I’d stick to my guns and say your name only then change if you got married (or maybe never)

Both with a hyphen its not a difficult decision. Both mine have a double barrelled surname

I'm gobsmacked at the number of people saying "your name" to the exclusion of "his". He's not the right man for YOU, but he is and always will be, your babies father, and deserves to be recognised on the birth certificate, and to have an active relationship with HIS child, as he wants to. Separate now, and work on building a positive co-parenting arrangement for your child. Even if you use his surname (or first name) as your child's middle name, rather than hyphenated.

He can't be on the birth certificate if he doesn't attend the registry office. She has no right to simply deny him parental rights because she doesnt like him.

I think more importantly you need to sort out if you want to be in a relationship. It really doesnt sound like it will work longterm.
But definitely agree with those who have said use your name.

Letty186

"... fast forward 5 years, you meet someone else and you marry them. Baby shares no-ones name if Dad is still involved and supportive as you say he wants to be, it’s unlikely he’ll allow the baby to take your new husbands name."

This only applies if OP takes her new husband's name, which she could do but doesn't have to. Her and her baby can have the same name whether she marries someone else or not.

So when I just registered the baby (we aren't married but solid) the resiatrar said you don't need a hyphen but then the baby will just go by first name and the end name on the forms and will be know as that. It's only attaching the hyphen that means both names get used. That's just reality.
My partner obviously wanted it hyphenated for that not a to happy otherwise it might as well be a middle name.

I wanted my name last for me and my son even though it's my married name (I didn't change as I wanted same as my son).

We compromised.

In your situation I'd go with my name only and never look back. You can add him later on birth certificate if you want to.

Give the baby your name and ditch the bloke, it might be your hormones and you might regret it later but YOLO.

So, not even had a date but now pregnant. Both sound irresponsible. Actively dislikes the guy, if not too far along I'd be booking doctors appointment.
The child's surname is the least of the problems. Yes, he should have stuck something on the end but she needs to take responsibility too.
Poor kid.

Ultimately, he doesn't get to choose. As an unmarried mother, it will be you registering the birth. You have the right to choose the name of your baby. As it is not a long standing relationship and is unlikely to lead to marriage, I'd say it would be wise to give the baby your surname.

Your name
Break up with him. He can still parent if he isn’t in a relationship with you

Your name. No question it makes life so much easier!

DEFINITELY give baby your name. If you get married and take his name in future, you can easily change baby’s name. If you give baby his name now, you can never change it without his permission in future if your circumstances change. And then your life is complicated going on holiday without him etc having a child with a different name to you.
You are the mother, you are not married, you do not need his permission to name the baby your name.
Things may turn around with you OP but to be honest I doubt it so you have to think of you and the baby now x

Does he know you hate him and don't want to be with him? And how does the baby benefit from two parents not in love?

Having a baby is the hardest thing a loving couple will ever do. It's not fair to put a baby through what's going to happen when you are both on your knees without the bond to pull each other back up. Not to mention he deserves to know exactly how you feel about him.

You have a lot more to think about than names.🤷🏼‍♀️

He can have a relationship with the child without having his name anywhere in the baby’s name. He can also be on the birth certificate as the father but baby doesn’t need to have his name.

Are you guys getting married someday ? If you are then it should be his last name. If you’re not it should be yours. Travel, school registration and alot of other things are quite difficult when you don’t share the last name and the children.

How much you do or don't like him is completely irrelevant to the fact he's the father of the baby and has the same rights and responsibility as you. Hyphenating the name is a good compromise.