I want my baby to have my surname but my boyfriend wants her to have his or for it to be hyphenated. help

[OneTaupeFox]

Hi so idk if this is even the right place for this thread but i need some advice on what to do. Me and my boyfriend had only been together 2 and a half almost 3 months when we found out i was pregnant and at the beginning our relationship was great and i was head over heels inlove. But slowly he stopped putting in the effort and stopped doing the tiny things that he did at the very beginning and it pushed me away (not to mention we’ve never even been on a date). And then we found out i was pregnant, i knew immediately i was going to keep the baby wether he wanted to or not but he decided he also wanted to keep it and stay together to try and make it work. Throughout my pregnancy i have grown to hate him and everything he does and says and have considered breaking up with him, idk if it’s the hormones or me realising he’s not someone i want to be with anymore. He’s tried to be supportive but i genuinely can’t stand anything he does and want nothing to do with him but none the less ive stayed with him for the babies sake. Earlier today we had a conversation about who’s second name the baby will get and i had said i’d like for her to have mine and if we ever get married then she’d get his when i would and he didn’t like that and said he wants for her to have his because she’s his baby as much as she is mine and then i suggested her having his as a middle name as i don’t want my daughter to have a different second name to mine and he still went on that he wants her to have his and that we can do both of ours but im not sure if i want that? Our second names don’t sound good together whatsoever and i don’t want her to grow up getting made fun of for having a weird double second name. And not to mention idk if we will even end up staying together after she’s born. Am i being unreasonable? Or what should i do? Sorry for how long this is i just had to get it off my chest

Your name.

You also don't need to stay with him just because you're pregnant. You wouldn't still be with him without the pregnancy would you? I suspect you will be able to co-parent better apart.

Also don't tell him when you go to register the birth and don't take him.

You’re clearly very young, you’ve only been with him a couple of months and already hate him.

This relationship is doomed to failure so baby only has your surname. End of discussion.

Give the baby your name. When you register the birth, be sure to tell the registrar that you want your surname as baby’s last name.

Well, I’m sorry but he has as much right to give the baby his name as you do. What exactly has he done wrong? He’s stuck by you and tried to be supportive, even though you appear to actively hate him.

You’ll have to go hyphenated, you made the choice you have this baby and stay in the relationship - there were pros and cons to that and this is one of the cons.

You’re not married. It is simply not his call what surname the baby gets. You will be the one registering the baby so it gets your name.

not having the same name as your child is a pain administratively. And you’ll be the one doing the work.

IF you stay together and actually get married, he can take your name to match you and his child.

I'm guessing you're very young. When he leaves, you'll have the baby. Give it your name and strongly consider not putting him on the birth certificate. In fact I'd get rid of him now and think about telling him that you miscarried.

Tradition says the baby takes the mother's name, whatever that is at the time.

If she's unmarried, then her maiden name. If she's married, her married name.

Your name.

You're the one giving birth.

If you split, you'll be the one doing most of the parenting, guaranteed. And in that scenario it's easier from a practical point of view if you and the baby share a surname.

The only argument I can see for the baby having his surname is "patriarchy." Fuck that.

Agree. Don't put his name on the birth certificate, either.

It can be added later if you want that, and if he turns out to he a good and present father in his child's life.

But don't put yourself in a position where you're constrained for years by some useless twat who does no parenting / is absent having parental responsibility. Massive pain in the arse.

The name is the least of your worries. Even the most wonderful man that you are totally besotted with can seem incredibly annoying when you have just had a baby, so your situation is bound to get even worse You can't stay with this man if you don't like him, it isn't fair on either of you.

Your name obviously.

Why would you consider marrying him? You can’t stand him from the sounds of it.

I would separate before baby arrives. Do you have support?

Throughout my pregnancy i have grown to hate him and everything he does and says and have considered breaking up with him, idk if it’s the hormones or me realising he’s not someone i want to be with anymore. He’s tried to be supportive but i genuinely can’t stand anything he does and want nothing to do with him but none the less ive stayed with him for the babies sake.

FOR THE BABY’s SAKE, @OneTaupeFox - and your own - you absolutely need to leave this man!!

• Don't give your child his name.
• Don’t put him on the birth certificate
• Call Women’s Aid for help and advice.

NB: You sound young and vulnerable. Where is your family in all this?

All that is true but doesn't necessarily mean he is a dickhead. He is just a bloke who decided to stick around when his very new girlfriend got pregnant. If the pregnancy hadn't happened, they probably would have split up and gone their separate ways. They probably still should, and co-parent, which is maybe better to do from the beginning than split when the baby is here. He just wants the baby to have his name. It doesn't make him a twat (even though I think the OP should stick to her guns and give the baby her name). If he's thinking eventually they will get married he sounds like someone who is still in love with the OP which definitely means they should split up rather than OP build false hope for him. It still doesn't make him an awful person.

You’ve not said anything that leads me to believe he’s actually a bad man, he just doesn’t seem to be the man for you. You barely knew each other before the pregnancy and it’s rarely a good idea to stay together for the sake of a child.

I would also use me name for the child because in all likelihood you will end up being the primary parent but I’d be inclined to consider hyphenating because he is the baby’s dad.

Well no. They aren't married so actually OP has more right.

But strong agree with previous poster. Please DON'T stay with this man for the sake of thr baby. That is no environment for a baby or child to grow up in.

He’s not the person who is pregnant and giving birth, he doesn’t have as much right.

Give the baby your surname, you’ll almost certainly be the primary caregiver if you’ve different surnames it will cause you inconvenience.

I don’t think surname matters much but I’m really sad to see all the posters on here encouraging OP not to put this young man on the birth certificate.

For one thing, a birth certificate is a statement of fact. The fact here is known - this young man is the baby’s father.

More importantly, children (in the absence of violence or drug use which is not mentioned here) need fathers! It doesn’t matter that the OP no longer wants a relationship with the father. That’s her right, but the child also has a right to a relationship with the father, & with the extended family. The more hostile the OP is to him, the more obstructive and exclusionary, the more difficult this will be - and not putting him on the birth certificate will be a hostile act.

There is as far as I can see from what has been said in the OP no reason at all why he should not be on the birth certificate.

In this case I think this is made even more pressing by the fact that in all honesty the OP has been irresponsible. Having a child with someone you barely know, who you haven’t even been on a date with, is a dreadful idea. I think the more adults that are involved in this child’s life, the better, because they may be particularly needed in this case. So that means extended family & father too.

I have 3 children, one of whom has a life changing disability. This has really brought home to me the immense responsibility in having a child - how difficult it is, how much may go wrong, and how wrong it is to have a child without thinking through that this is not just a baby - it is a person, who may have complex and unforeseeable needs that will change over time, and who will benefit from a strong relationship with both parents. Sometimes I get the impression that posters here see children as ‘my baby’, almost as pets, as little babies frozen in time who will just need milk. This is not the case.

Yes, you can give the baby your surname but it won’t stop him having parental rights in the future if he takes you to court, if that’s what you’re hoping to prevent.

How old are you? I’m wondering if you’re either very young and incredibly naive or an older woman desperate to have a child and just needed a sperm donor?
You clearly don’t respect the father so what are your plans to support the child longer term?

Having a baby (effectively as a single parent), is going to be very hard. Will you be relying on other family members to help out?

Also, he is the biological father so are you willing to share care 50/50 when the child is old enough?

A lot of men go for 50/50 as a ploy to reduce the maintenance payments but will farm out the child’s care to the nearest available female, often the new girlfriend. Legally, you’ll have no say in this and it can be a very shitty situation to endure.

I really hope you have a good support network to fall back on. Best of luck. 🤞

I'm also not sure what he has actually done 'wrong'. As you've not said much, OneTaupeFox & I've heard that even if a couple is perfectly in love at the time they get pregnant, the man can end up irritating the hell out of the woman, for no particular reason! You didn't know each other when you became pregnant so this was always going to be a challenge, although I do understand why you tried to stay together & make it work.

Regarding names, when me & my ex had our kids we weren't married & I wanted my name, he wanted his, we hyphenated.

Mine is short & has to be spelled out, his doesn't, mine goes first so it's like 'The surname is Thwep-Smith so T.H.W.E.P hyphen Smith'. Which will sound like a mouthful to others, I'm sure, but it's just normal for us.

My kids are now 8 & 11, we've been through a rough court case but I still love the fact that they have both of our names as it shows that both of us are a part of them, both of us made them, & that's important for my kids. Doesn't matter what my feelings are about my ex.

I hope you are alright, OneTaupeFox, Is your mum involved? Whatever you decide regarding names, I wish you happiness with your baby.

This relationship is going to go anywhere. You cannot stand him, you don’t really know him and vice versa.
No, don’t use his surname, he’ll most likely be a memory soon.
He can get a court order against you for the birth certificate to have his name on the birth certificate.

Your name

anything else and you’ll regret

I suggest you break up with him now. He is welcome to be a good dad but he doesn’t sound like good partner material. Do you have support around you?

Why are you staying together if you don't even like him? This is doesn't seem like a relationship that will last, you hardly knew him when you got pregnant and it has got worse not better as you have got to know each other. Your name and dump him, it's not fair on him staying for the sake of the baby.

I'm not saying anything different to anyone else here but I do know 2 people in real life who regret giving in to their child's father and giving the DC his name. More than a decade late one is still with dad but they're not married and the relationship is definitely rocky, the other has split from the dad.

I would reinforce this to yourself and the man in question with the absolutely correct assertion that traditionally and throughout history, unmarried women used Their surname for the child.

You know in your heart the right thing to do!

Your initial position is spot-on @OneTaupeFox. give the baby your surname. This is still a very new relationship and while it's brilliant that he is being committed to parenthood, you simply don't know yet what will happen with the relationship between the two of you. If the relationship endures and you decide to marry then both you and the baby can go double-barrelled (and there's no reason why he shouldn't go double-barrelled too so you are all the same surname).

However, from what you say marriage looks very unlikely, so the baby must always have exactly the same surname as you.

And if she is married but does not change her name?

If father’s want the baby to have their name they can change their surname to the woman’s name too