I want my baby to have my surname but my boyfriend wants her to have his or for it to be hyphenated. help

[OneTaupeFox]

Hi so idk if this is even the right place for this thread but i need some advice on what to do. Me and my boyfriend had only been together 2 and a half almost 3 months when we found out i was pregnant and at the beginning our relationship was great and i was head over heels inlove. But slowly he stopped putting in the effort and stopped doing the tiny things that he did at the very beginning and it pushed me away (not to mention we’ve never even been on a date). And then we found out i was pregnant, i knew immediately i was going to keep the baby wether he wanted to or not but he decided he also wanted to keep it and stay together to try and make it work. Throughout my pregnancy i have grown to hate him and everything he does and says and have considered breaking up with him, idk if it’s the hormones or me realising he’s not someone i want to be with anymore. He’s tried to be supportive but i genuinely can’t stand anything he does and want nothing to do with him but none the less ive stayed with him for the babies sake. Earlier today we had a conversation about who’s second name the baby will get and i had said i’d like for her to have mine and if we ever get married then she’d get his when i would and he didn’t like that and said he wants for her to have his because she’s his baby as much as she is mine and then i suggested her having his as a middle name as i don’t want my daughter to have a different second name to mine and he still went on that he wants her to have his and that we can do both of ours but im not sure if i want that? Our second names don’t sound good together whatsoever and i don’t want her to grow up getting made fun of for having a weird double second name. And not to mention idk if we will even end up staying together after she’s born. Am i being unreasonable? Or what should i do? Sorry for how long this is i just had to get it off my chest

please let your midwives or other health carers involved in your pregnancy that you are in a volatile relationship and they may be able to signpost you to organizations who can support you

Your name. And you can say sweetly ‘if we get married and one of us changes their name we can make sure baby’s name matches then.’

I wasn't married when I got pregnant so my DD has my surname. Her father's name also isn't on her birth certificate...not my choice at the time, he didn’t come with me to register her birth. Perhaps a sign of things to come as he eventually abandoned us and we haven't seen him for years. So now I'm incredibly thankful that she has my surname and he isn't on the birth certificate as it means I've been able to take her abroad, make medical decisions and all the rest without any questions or issues at all.

It will be easier to add his surname down the line than take it off.

By the way, if you do end up doing it alone, things turned out really well for myself and my DD. We have a very happy life.

1. Children are not possessions. They are people with their own rights. They do not belong to either parent.
2. Be honest with yourself and this man - you don’t need to stay together to raise a child successfully. But you do need to be able to work together to raise a child successfully. How will you both facilitate a positive parenting relationship so your child has a stable upbringing?
3. Get legal advice on ramifications of father being on birth certificate (if you didn’t and he took it to court, how would you feel about that? Not a great start to positive shared parenting.)
4. Surname. If you insist on it being just yours, that again can cause friction, same if it was just his. Many parents these days have different names to their children and you would need to ensure you have paperwork when travelling to show parental responsibility to the child. Think about what is best for the child so they don’t feel pulled between you.

I say all the above with an understanding that the father will want an active parenting role. Because that’s my expectation on men that don’t glove up and fail to take responsibility.

Always your name on the birth certificate. The child can be called the hyphenated name but legally only in yours is better

If you genuinely can’t stand the man and wouldn’t stay in a relationship with him if you weren’t pregnant, then in your shoes, I would end the relationship now. You can discuss when/how much he sees the child in theoretical terms now and revisit the practicalities once the baby is born.
Assuming you don’t live together, a clean break now is straightforward and in everyone’s best interests. Do you have family support? Does he and how do you get on with his family?

Where did OP go?

Not sure you know what Women's Aid do...
They give help and advice to women who are subject to domestic and sexual abuse. There's no indication anywhere in OP post that this man has been abusive. Just that he is trying to step up and be supportive, and that she is irritated by him.

Agree that they should not stay together as the relationship won't work, but women's aid? Really?

This isn't going to work out long-term.
Break up with him. Give the baby your surname. Name him on the birth certificate.

I don't understand the obsession/need for families to have the same surname. I have been married decades. I use my surname, DH uses his surname. DC had both, but have opted to use just mine. It's no big deal.

Your name. Non negotiable.

Definitely your name. Leave him, as this is going nowhere fast, no need to prolong it. Any talk of marriage is madness. Next time use double contraception when you have sex with someone you have basically just met.

There is nothing to imply it's a volatile relationship?

Moreso that OP is leading the baby's father down the garden path in implying they might get married one day, whilst calling the baby her baby ("my baby", not our baby) and actively declaring she hates him.

This.
I'm still amazed that OP is claiming they've never even been on a date.

In my world, the definition of a date is exclusive 1-2-1 time together over a shared interest.. Whether that's golf, food or sex. 🤣

Definitely give the baby your last name. Put his as another middle name but don’t hyphenate is my advice. Is it much harder when the mum has a different name to the kids especially if the dad is non existant or useless. Having previously worked for immigration I can confidently say it causes issues. My own SIL was detained arriving back into the UK as her daughter had a different name to her and SIL had no way of proving she was her mother. In one of the few times that SIL put her foot down she told DP that he’d be marrying her now (they were engaged) or the DDs name was being changed to hers!

Unless your married then no giving a child a surname different to their mother can cause mayhem i done it with 1st dd but not with 2nd and ended up changing 1st dd surname to my name

Give the baby your name. I cannot stress this enough. This man will have PR just by being on the birth certificate. If you ever go on holiday with your child and they have his surname you could be questioned or need a letter stating his permission to leave the country with your shared child. I have lived this and I cannot stress enough that you need to give the child your name. Just refuse to discuss it with him if he carries on. Men do not have good track records on sticking around, being faithful or being fair. My younger children were given my surname as an absolute non negotiable, it has been so much easier on many, many occasions. Tell him if your relationship lasts then the child can have his surname the day you marry.

He really doesn’t as he can’t legally register the baby’s birth as they’re not married. So SHE has more right over what name the baby has as SHE is the only one who can register the baby’s birth. She doesn’t “have to” do anything. In fact, if she wanted to she could register the baby without him and leave him off the birth certificate altogether.

Your name, I'd not even take him to register on birth certificate.
End of the day, by the sounds of it you have to consider that you'll be doing all this alone as he sounds like a waste of space. Your name all the way, make your life easier by not adding him to birth certificate and congratulations!

I let my DP have his own way which was to give DC his surname, and I’ve always regretted it. Wish I’d insisted on giving DC my surname, or at least double barrelled (which isn’t actually a ’posh’ or unusual thing to do nowadays, as lots of families do it).

You’re not really making a go of it if you know right now you can’t stand him and want to break up. “Throughout my pregnancy i have grown to hate him and everything he does and says..” and “He’s tried to be supportive but i genuinely can’t stand anything he does and want nothing to do with him but none the less ive stayed with him for the babies sake.”

‘the babies sake’- is a myth, children do better when they don’t have to contend with a mum staying with their dad ‘for their sake.’ That is too heavy a burden to put on a baby- their existence means you martyr your happiness?

Just stop the pretending and break up with him. You’re being fundamentally dishonest as he thinks you’re trying to salvage the relationship with him but you aren’t, you’re done. So it’s never going to work.

Then you can name your baby whatever you want without considering him at all.

WTF is wrong with you?

Your name, and if you put dad’s surname as a middle name then he can’t take you to court to have it double barreled on as he’s already represented in the name. Tell him (not in writing) you’ll consider changing it if you get married (don’t though)

Choose your name it’s what you want and I will be easier for you.

@OneTaupeFox
Give baby your surname.

End the relationship.

If he genuinely wants to help parent his child, you can determine the parameters as you are carrying/have carried the baby.

You're already planning to kick him to the curb and basically wanting no part of him, then be up front and honest with him. Since you're the one making these decisions and he's in a no-win situation here since you're posting it on MN and not communicating with him, I hope that you don't seek support from him since co-parenting is likely out of the question (again based upon your post). Just be honest with him and tell him he's no longer needed, since he no longer fits the narrative of a long-term partner, as you stated never having a first date anyway and everything he's doing and not doing isn't working for you after you announced the pregnancy. Yes it sounds harsh, but men are not mind readers and definitely why so often "men can't be counted on," "men are useless," etc. You can't have everything both ways.