I want my baby to have my surname but my boyfriend wants her to have his or for it to be hyphenated. help

[OneTaupeFox]

Hi so idk if this is even the right place for this thread but i need some advice on what to do. Me and my boyfriend had only been together 2 and a half almost 3 months when we found out i was pregnant and at the beginning our relationship was great and i was head over heels inlove. But slowly he stopped putting in the effort and stopped doing the tiny things that he did at the very beginning and it pushed me away (not to mention we’ve never even been on a date). And then we found out i was pregnant, i knew immediately i was going to keep the baby wether he wanted to or not but he decided he also wanted to keep it and stay together to try and make it work. Throughout my pregnancy i have grown to hate him and everything he does and says and have considered breaking up with him, idk if it’s the hormones or me realising he’s not someone i want to be with anymore. He’s tried to be supportive but i genuinely can’t stand anything he does and want nothing to do with him but none the less ive stayed with him for the babies sake. Earlier today we had a conversation about who’s second name the baby will get and i had said i’d like for her to have mine and if we ever get married then she’d get his when i would and he didn’t like that and said he wants for her to have his because she’s his baby as much as she is mine and then i suggested her having his as a middle name as i don’t want my daughter to have a different second name to mine and he still went on that he wants her to have his and that we can do both of ours but im not sure if i want that? Our second names don’t sound good together whatsoever and i don’t want her to grow up getting made fun of for having a weird double second name. And not to mention idk if we will even end up staying together after she’s born. Am i being unreasonable? Or what should i do? Sorry for how long this is i just had to get it off my chest

Absolutely agree with others that you give baby your surname and end the relationship.

Strongly disagree with leaving him off the birth certificate though. That is a statement of fact and the certificate belongs to the child. They deserve to have the reality of their birth and parentage recognised. It is (imo) morally wrong to leave off the father for the convenience of the mother.

OP, give your baby your surname.

He can be an involved Dad without you having to be in a relationship with him.

The reality is that the baby will live with you. It’s not your hormones it’s that he stopped paying attention to you etc.

You can register the baby alone. Baby gets you last name. Do not back down on that. Baby always should have the mother’s name whatever that may be.

Keep your legal name on any future marriage (you can call yourself what you want on the day-to-day). Your future dh could either take your name, hyphenate his, or have different surnames as it doesnt actually matter and actually inconveniences the woman in time and cost to change.

This all day long

Give the baby your surname. End the relationship, and try to make civil co-parenting arrangements on the off chance he sticks around.

Your name.
Keep it simple .

I was in exactly the same situation and we split up shortly after baby was born. Stupidly we gave her his surname, and I’ve regretted it since. I try not to think about it too much as it’s done, but it is quite upsetting.

Your name. Don’t hyphenate, just your name.

You already dislike everything about him. If you don’t give the baby just your surname I think you’ll regret it forever.

End this relationship and give the baby your name.

It's very important she doesn't put his surname as the baby's surname.

He DOESN'T have the right to make the baby have his surname because they're not married.

Mum having a different surname from the baby can cause a lot of issues as you can see time and time again on MN.

Baby not having dad's surname doesn't mean he isn't on the BC as dad. They are two different things.

As an absolute if I was feeling incredibly generous in that moment offer I would go for his surname as a middle name.

There is nothing but difficultly for you if that baby has his last name.

The tradition is baby gets mums surname.

Its just historically most women were married so thier surname is the same as the husbands.

Give the baby your surname.

He can still be on the birth certificate and a father.

we’ve never even been on a date
This is not a man who is going to be an equal parent. And you need to work on your self esteem. Your bar is on the floor.

Give the baby your surname, and staying with someone you hate ‘for the sake of the baby’ is actually the opposite of that. For the sake of the baby don’t bring it into a dysfunctional relationship.

I disagree with leaving him off the birth certificate though, unless he is abusive or a danger to you or the baby. The birth certificate is the child’s legal record for all of their life, and he is the father. The child has a right to have a correct legal record of their parentage no matter the drama between the parents.

Mum having a different surname from the baby can cause a lot of issues as you can see time and time again on MN

Rubbish. I have a different surname to my DC and have never, ever had a single problem.

Why are you talking about potential marriage to a man you have grown to hate?

Mumsnet is so weird sometimes.

walk away from him, register your child without him, your name and sole parental responsibility.

Aren't you the lucky one? If it didn't happen to you it didn't happen to anyone, right?

He can be a father when the baby arrives. I’d stop seeing him for a bit and see if you feel happier when you aren’t a couple. You absolutely can not be in a relationship with someone you don’t like just because you are accidentally pregnant with his child.

Absolutely your name, please! By all accounts it doesn't sound like you will or should get married, and you will be doing the lions share of the work of raising this baby. Trust me you will resent the child having his name, while he's doing bugger all to raise the child. Don't even discuss it with him. Just go register the baby with your name.

Your name. Frankly, I was married when I had my kids so they (as did I) took the father’s name but I wish we’d all kep my name now. I’m not divorced or anything it just seems a bit medieval (not judging, just stating my personal viewvin my own BBC context)

You are doing your child as a disservice by staying with him for the child. The child will not thank for it. This world is full of adults with a damaged inner child from parents forcing the relationship to limp along “for the kids”. Just look in this forum, every other woman says The Kids Have No Idea and is simply not true. Children are experts at picking up on adults behaviour and signals and they will 100% model themselves on their parents. If you keep your mouth closed for peace and to avoid arguments, they will learn that and do it in their own relationships or worse, become the person who forced the other to be quiet by conditioning.

do your child the biggest favour right now and leave and do it Alone. Give the kid your name and your name alone. No hyphens. I wouldn’t even put him on the birth certificate until he shows he wants to actively parent and be a reliable parent at that. If you put him on the birth certificate your are giving him parental responsibility and he can so you moving for work, prevent holidays abroad and take your child and keep them until you force him into court in from of a judge.

Your name and leave him now, before baby is born as it'll be so much harder to leave once baby is here.

No he doesn't. He's not carrying or birthing the baby.

There is so much to unpack from your post!

I actually feel quite sorry for the poor guy... You have described hating him, but then also gaslit him by implying you might get married one day.

I genuinely think you need to be honest with this guy about not wanting to be with him.
The surname is the least of your worries currently.

And "We've never even been on a date"... clearly you have, because you're pregnant with his child?