Midwife told my daughter she is a big sister before i did!

[Jenny124501]

I went for my scan and then i had to have some bloods taken and i took my daughter with me and i had said she doesn’t understand yet so she turned to my daughter and said “there is a baby in mums tummy, you are going to be a big sister” and my 4 year old daughters smile went away as i think she was shocked to hear this from a stranger. I have been planning when i will tell her since i was 4 weeks pregnant! I am heartbroken because she took that memory from us! Tell me I'm not overreacting but also help me see how this isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things because i don’t want this to dampen the fact my daughter will be a big sister. Thank you.

I'm sorry that was ruined for you. Your daughter won't remember this though, my daughter doesn't even remember meeting her baby sister when she was 4. Just has fleeting memories of cuddling her and her crawling when she would have been 5.
In hindsight saying "I haven't told her yet" would have been better, as saying she doesn't understand makes it sound like she was struggling with the concept but was aware given you'd taken her to the scan at that age. It sounds like she was trying to be helpful explaining and it was an unfortunate miscommunication.

@MossAndLeavesthank you for reassuring me! You are absolutely right, i could have said it clearer, it was a long day to be honest and i was pretty tired at that point and wasn’t thinking. You have made me feel so much better knowing she may very well forget that conversation but remember being with her sibling later! Thank you so much i am close to tears with this

You are massively overreacting.
You took her to the scan and didn’t specifically ask the radiographer to keep it a secret. It sounds like the radiographer was being lovely and friendly to your daughter.
Saying that she has taken the memory from you is very dramatic.

To be honest I think your wording was unclear. If you said she doesn’t understand, maybe the midwife assumed you had told her already and that you wanted the midwife to help her understand. You didn’t outright say, we’re not telling her yet. Plus you had your daughter right there at the scan she surely would have picked up on things happening in front of her, she has a brain

I can see why the midwife thought you'd asked for help explaining. It'll be fine, don't let it spoil your experience. You can still get to do all your plans for telling her in the context of 'do you remember hearing you're going to be a big sister? Here's why you'll be the best big sister ever...'. It's a big change and a lot to get her head around too.

So you didn’t say “She doesn’t know yet”, but just that she didn’t understand? Yeah, I can see why the HCP thought she was being helpful. But this isn’t the magic moment. That will be actually meeting the baby.

What they all said.

If you didn’t want her to say, you should have been clear. And in the great scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter!

I'm pretty sure I've read this before almost word for word.

Pretty much what others have said, she thought she was being helpful explaining it because you said she didn't understand. No intent to take the memory from you, goodness me, what a drama people make over such small things. She's 4 and your baby isn't even born, you have all their childhoods ahead of you to make memories. This really will not matter to you in a few weeks, because time will have moved on.

Was the memory she took from you, going to be filmed for social media?

I wondered this myself and then thought aw no, wheesht and don't be unkind. I'm glad it wasn't just me who thought it though!

You gave the impression that your 4 yr old, who is close to, if not in, school, didn’t understand what you being pregnant was. You didn’t say you hadn’t told her. The midwife tried to help with using simplified language. They didn’t do anything wrong. You are definitely over reacting, and I doubt your daughter will really care/ retain it, as it doesn’t affect her right now and most kids that age are pretty much all about themselves naturally!

Yes, you could/should have been much clearer, but we all make mistakes when very thread! But don't blame her for trying to help because of what you actually said!

it's a shame your 'surprise' has had the wind taken out if its sails, BUT whatever you had planned to do as a surprise can still be done as a celebration.

i was 4 when my Mhm had my brother, i don't remember 'being told' at all, my 2 stand out points were having to replaced our much loved sports car with one Mum could get into & behind the wheel of not impressed & getting to stay with my Nana when mum was in hospital (& Dad was working). very happy with that!

I remember my Dsd coming to Nana's to tell us Mum had had the baby. I can picture him clear ax day, but can't remember when I went to see Mum & the baby🤷🏻‍♀️

once he was home though, he was very much MY baby & he ended up with speach therapy as a toddler as I'd spoilt him too much he didn't need to speak a lot! Ooos!!

So, honestly it's not something you need to be so upset by! much more important things/time to come! 💕

I don't really see how telling a child you're having another baby is in any way a particularly special or memorable moment, so I don't think you've missed out on anything. Rather strange to be heartbroken by it, maybe I'm getting old and cynical.

Why on earth wouldn't you tell a 4 year old before you took her with you to antenatal appointments. Yabvu.

You took her with you to your scan, if you didn’t want the midwife to tell your DD you should have been very clear.

Must admit that so did I…

I took my then 3yo to a few of my scans (I had to, I had so so many because of complications), and to a couple of midwife appointments. There's no way I could have kept from my dd what was going on. Kids aren't daft? Unless you actively lied and said the scan was for something else? Or unless the child has eyesight issues. In the midwife office waiting room there are a bazillion information posters with pictures of babies on, a video playing on a loop interviewing women about breastfeeding etc. Besides you can literally see a little foetus on the scan TV.

Your DC is 4, surely she knew what was going on already. Many 4yo dc can even read basic words like "baby"

At the scan the sonographer murmurs stuff like "and here you can see the head...that's the hands..." how could a 4yo not know what's going on, it's just not plausible. What else could be in Mummy's tummy (where the scan is pointing) that has a head, hands, feet? You're clearly not there for indigestion!

2yo sure. 3+, no.

How would a 4 year old not have figured out what was happening from a scan? Also the midwife was being kind and reassuring to your daughter letting her know that mum wasn’t actually being poked and prodded because she was sick but the baby was the reason for the medical stuff happening

This. Sorry op. Be more clear in future. She dosent knowand please don’t tell her would have saved the ‘devastation’

I love my half siblings who were born when we were teens and I remember the moment I held them both - I definitely don’t remember the moment I was told they were coming at all. The magic of having a sibling will come later (and the rest eg the 100th time she suggests sending the baby back :) ) - this wasn’t a moment you need to worry about missing.

But she’s 4 so can easily comprehend that you’re pregnant so why hadn’t you told her but took her to a midwife appointment?

that makes no sense to me

I don’t understand how you could have gone through the entire appointment without her figuring it out anyway? You were there for a scan.

I thought children weren’t allowed at those appointments anyway.

I don't even remember telling my then 4 yr old they were goong to be a big sister, let alone them remembering it. They also don't remember the house we lived in when they were 4, or the school they went to. They don't remember ever not having their younger sibling.

Nothing has been taken from you.

As others have said it is pretty weird to take your child with you to medical appointments without explaining to them what and why you are having tests in front of them. You can't possibly expect HCPs to not speak to you about what's going on in front of her when that is the reason you are there (and this is why they ask that you do not have dc with you). What if there had been bad news? Or difficult information to take in?