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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Midwife told my daughter she is a big sister before i did!

172 replies

Jenny124501 · 29/10/2025 00:40

I went for my scan and then i had to have some bloods taken and i took my daughter with me and i had said she doesn’t understand yet so she turned to my daughter and said “there is a baby in mums tummy, you are going to be a big sister” and my 4 year old daughters smile went away as i think she was shocked to hear this from a stranger. I have been planning when i will tell her since i was 4 weeks pregnant! I am heartbroken because she took that memory from us! Tell me I'm not overreacting but also help me see how this isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things because i don’t want this to dampen the fact my daughter will be a big sister. Thank you.

OP posts:

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HillOf · 29/10/2025 07:04

ShesTheAlbatross · 29/10/2025 06:59

I don’t understand how you could have gone through the entire appointment without her figuring it out anyway? You were there for a scan.

I thought children weren’t allowed at those appointments anyway.

This.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 29/10/2025 07:07

HillOf · 29/10/2025 07:04

This.

Show quote history

I think this kind of drama and nonsense is part of the reason most trusts will not allow children in. They’re just trying to do their job; a medical function, and people are getting upset about taking a memory.

itsmeits · 29/10/2025 07:09

@ShesTheAlbatross they would rather children weren't there, but needs must with some mothers due to childcare, no family support.

@Jenny124501 you used the wrong language to communicate, you can't be upset that it was misinterpreted and HCP used language your DD would understand to explain to her.
It is what it is and you can't change it now.

If your devastated as you wanted to post it on SM then get a grip. Seriously there is more to life than portraying a fake perfect impression of it to strangers online.

AllTheseYears · 29/10/2025 07:17

You told the midwife that your child didn’t understand, which implies that you had told her. Also, as she is 4, the midwife also probably thought that you had told her if she was with you at an appointment where the baby would be mentioned. The midwife was trying to help. You should have been clearer.

Your DD may remember it, but this won’t be the big moment for a 4 year old that you have built it up to be. My son was 4 when I was pregnant and remembers us telling him, but because it was months before baby came, which is a long time when you’re only 4, it wasn’t really a big deal. We talked about it more with him towards the end of my pregnancy to help prepare him. It was a much bigger moment when he met his sister and once she was home and part of his daily life.

Namechangeforthis88 · 29/10/2025 07:26

How on earth was the midwife meant to guess that you didn't want your daughter to know?

You had brought her to your scan appointment and basically told the midwife that you had told her already but she didn't understand?

She doesn't know and I don't want her to know is completely different to she doesn't understand.

How is the midwife meant to get through the appointment without giving anything away?

Springtimehere · 29/10/2025 07:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

user1476613140 · 29/10/2025 07:36

This is a classic case of getting wires crossed....

MyAcornWood · 29/10/2025 07:38

tripleginandtonic · 29/10/2025 05:18

Why on earth wouldn't you tell a 4 year old before you took her with you to antenatal appointments. Yabvu.

This, what a bizarre thing to do. She’s not so young that it would all just go over her head, and it would be assumed that if she was there, she would be aware of why (imo!) so really you set yourself up to ‘fail’ here. I use fail loosely because honestly it doesn’t matter, really, it’s not a particularly big or special moment (it’s not like when they actually meet baby anyway!) and she’s not going to remember anyway.

Coconutter24 · 29/10/2025 07:39

The midwife was trying to help. You said your DD didn’t understand not that she didn’t know or you weren’t telling her yet. Midwife kindly tried to explain to help her understand. It’s ok to feel disappointed but you weren’t clear with what you meant

Tiebiter · 29/10/2025 07:43

Midwife overstepped. I had to take DD to a scan when she was 4 as I didn't have childcare. It was an mmc so I had to bravely get up and say that mummy was just checking that a potato hadn't got stuck in my tummy, sign all the paperwork and leave. I was thankful I hadn't told her it might be a baby. So the next time around we didn't tell DD anything until I was much further along.

Having said that, you're imagining this to be a flashbulb memory for your DD. It won't be.

BendingSpoons · 29/10/2025 07:45

It sounds like you have been planning a magical moment when you tell her. At 4, she may not have responded with excitement anyway. She may have been disinterested or even upset at the idea of change.

I'm sorry you are disappointed but kindly it was risky taking her without her knowing, as there was bound to be chat about 'baby'. Also if she doesn"t know why you are going, there is a risk she will think you are ill. I'd explain it all calmly and answer any questions along the way.

BarryKentPoet · 29/10/2025 07:46

I have absolutely no memory of telling my children about being pregnant! What I DO remember is them meeting their sibling for the first time, introducing them. That is a very special moment & memory!

Brickiscool · 29/10/2025 07:54

You are over reacting. You told the midwife your daughter doesn't understand, so she tried to explain it to her. It was just crossed wires not the midwife's fault.

Also you may have planned a big reveal for her and she still wouldn't have understood. At that age you just tell them little pieces at a time and they ask questions in their own time and they get to understand

PinkFrogss · 29/10/2025 08:09

I think the midwife probably did you a favour, it might have been quite scary or unsettling for a 4 year old to go to medical appointments with you not knowing what’s going on, especially if something had been wrong.

Although she probably didn’t understand they can get odd ideas about things based on snippets they’ve overheard or caught on the tv, and could have thought you were seriously ill or dying.

CocoRats · 29/10/2025 08:12

You said that she didn’t understand and the midwife explained.

You could have said that you hadn’t yet told her.

jinn2025 · 29/10/2025 08:15

How was she allowed in? Out hospital says no kids allowed while ultrasounds are being performed

jinn2025 · 29/10/2025 08:16

But yeah maybe you should of told the midwife first your intentions, they’re not mind readers

HillOf · 29/10/2025 08:17

jinn2025 · 29/10/2025 08:15

How was she allowed in? Out hospital says no kids allowed while ultrasounds are being performed

Yes, I think this is standard. No one wants a small child present when their mother might be getting upsetting news about her unborn baby.

WimpoleHat · 29/10/2025 08:34

You took her to a scan! Of course the midwife assumed that she knew (or could know) that you were pregnant. You can still have a nice moment telling her all about it and explaining what the scan is for?

ShowOfHands · 29/10/2025 08:35

How does a 4yr old not know their Mum is pregnant when they've attended an antenatal appointment in a waiting room full of pregnant women, signs and leaflets everywhere about pregnancy and then medical professionals asking/talking about the baby? Unless the child has additional needs, I don't know how you thought a 4yr old wouldn't be aware by the end of the appointment anyway? I think it's a kindness that somebody explained what was happening.

I had my 2nd when my first was 4yrs old and she was incredibly interested. She'd also have been worried to witness medical professionals taking blood and performing scans without me explaining why.

HeavenInMyHeart · 29/10/2025 08:36

Why did you take your daughter to a scan if you didn’t want her to know you were pregnant? Very strange behaviour

Alpacajigsaw · 29/10/2025 08:39

You are both overreacting and it’s not a big deal. Saying “she doesn’t understand” isn’t the same as saying “she doesn’t know”.

Scottishskifun · 29/10/2025 08:45

Sorry but why did you take her with you? If having a scan surely she would ask a question as they are going over stuff?!

MJMa · 29/10/2025 08:48

You’re overreacting. You took her with you, give her some credit.

tempname1234 · 29/10/2025 08:49

Perhaps the confusion is you told the nurse your daughter “doesnt understand “ rather you should have said that she does not know yet. The nurse was being kind to explain in terms a child would understand.

im sorry you feel robbed if this moment. Though I certainly doubt your child was in shock hearing this news from a nurse at a medical appointment. You’re attributing quite a mature reaction of a fearful person into a 4 year old.

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