Midwife told my daughter she is a big sister before i did!

[Jenny124501]

I went for my scan and then i had to have some bloods taken and i took my daughter with me and i had said she doesn’t understand yet so she turned to my daughter and said “there is a baby in mums tummy, you are going to be a big sister” and my 4 year old daughters smile went away as i think she was shocked to hear this from a stranger. I have been planning when i will tell her since i was 4 weeks pregnant! I am heartbroken because she took that memory from us! Tell me I'm not overreacting but also help me see how this isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things because i don’t want this to dampen the fact my daughter will be a big sister. Thank you.

What is this obsession with manufacturing “memories”? A memory is just something you remember, good or bad. It’s not something that needs forcing.

You took her with you, then are moaning she found out! Plus you didn’t make it clear you didn’t want her to know.
Midwife is no way at fault here.

this. You are massively overreacting OP. To cry over this is a bit ridiculous tbh.

YABU, why would the midwife possibly think to not say anything. It's pretty strange you took her anyway, that's not normally allowed - what if you'd had some bad news? And it's inappropriate for other patients who may be receiving bad news, to have to see a kid running around the waiting room. I would not take her to any more appointments, have some consideration.

Kindly, OP, this.
Don't let your stress and tiredness make this a big deal.
You can tell her again at a later point. It'll still be news.

Yeah, you've still got the memory. Doubt you'll forget how much of a fuss you made about taking her to an appt, being unclear with the midwife and your daughter being told the facts.

I understand completely. Imagine if you wanted to make it a special moment with a t shirt for her saying big sister or something along those lines. I think if you have every right to be upset. But you can still make it special for her and yourself. Don’t let it ruin the moment. And congratulations!

My mum told my eldest (who was almost 13 at the time) that she was going to be a big sister for the first time, I was a bit put out at the time but I'd actually forgotten about it until I read this thread. Dd2 is now 15 months old and dd3 is 7 weeks - can't even remember who told who about dd3. No long term hard feelings or upset.

How on earth did you think a baby WASN'T going to be mentioned at an antenatal scan?! 😂

Well unfortunately you took her to a scan, which generally implies she already knows. If you hadn’t have wanted the midwife to mention it you should have made that clear. The midwife cannot possibly know what you hadn’t told your 4 year old.

I think this is on you, you wasn’t clear and you shouldn’t of taken her x

Then don’t take the kid to a scan?

My eldest named my youngest and eldest doesn’t remember! My DM was nearly 5 when she named her baby sister (baby number 5) but only remembers because the horror story was told by everyone in the family regularly and my aunt told anyone who would listen! It’s the thing she misses the most now her sister has dementia 🥲
Don’t worry there will be other more memorable moments to come.

I mean you took her to the scan, what did she think was happening?

100% this.

You went to a medical appointment and the midwife talked to you about the medical reason you were at the appointment. You said your dd didn't understand and the midwife explained to your dd in an age appropriate way what it meant.

you are being ridiculously unreasonable and yes I too wonder if it is because you planned to film it and put it on social media.

maybe she had no other choice?

Taking a 4yo to an antenatal scan without first explaining to her what it’s about is very odd! I can imagine the midwife assumed that you had told her but she hadn’t understood so she was trying to be helpful by explaining it to her. Regardless, your daughter won’t remember who told her when she grows up so no harm done.

I’m pretty sure at an antenatal appointment the baby would have been referred to multiple times. Your daughter is probably very confused going along to an appointment and you did not tell her why. You could have showed her the baby on the screen. My two year old came to my scan and understood there was a baby in my tummy.

Why on earth did you say “She doesn’t understand.” That means “I told her but she didn’t understand what I was saying.”

What you actually meant was “I haven’t told her” so why wouldn’t you say “I haven’t told her?”

Not the midwife’s fault at all. She was trying to help by using simple language and also involve your daughter whom you took along to a medical appointment.

Pregnancy hormones means you are over-reacting.

Calm down. What an overreaction

You took a 4 year old to a scan and said she didn’t understand what did you expect

sirely she had questions she is 4 DD was 3 when I had DS and she was aware of everything

and word of advice/caution don’t build this up as being ultra amazing for her either. A sibling isn’t an easy thing to introduce and there are pros and cons for each age and you are at an age where there is understanding and that can be a double edged sword

dont overplay this as being amazing as you are in danger of over egging the pudding

DD cried when she found out she wasn’t having a sister at 3 - she know absolutely 13 years later wouldn’t change her baby brother for the world but it isn’t all memory capturing moments

You will get over this. You have so many 1st's to look forward to. I think they midwife thought you were struggling to explain and was trying to be helpful. It was still a special moment really as you were there, just not what you envisaged.

I have a 4 year age gap. My older daughter has no recollection of being told, and I only have a vague recollection of telling her. Not every situation has to be a #makingmemories