Midwife told my daughter she is a big sister before i did!

[Jenny124501]

I went for my scan and then i had to have some bloods taken and i took my daughter with me and i had said she doesn’t understand yet so she turned to my daughter and said “there is a baby in mums tummy, you are going to be a big sister” and my 4 year old daughters smile went away as i think she was shocked to hear this from a stranger. I have been planning when i will tell her since i was 4 weeks pregnant! I am heartbroken because she took that memory from us! Tell me I'm not overreacting but also help me see how this isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things because i don’t want this to dampen the fact my daughter will be a big sister. Thank you.

You told her she “didn’t understand”, not that you hadn’t told her and didn’t plan to yet. YABU. If you’re going to talk to someone, communicate clearly.

I was three and I can remember my mother bathing my baby brother and I was thinking he had something weird below his stomach and asked, which made my mother laugh. I think that´s why I remember. Then nothing until he was already walking well, so about 2. I would´ve been 5 by then.

Oh ffs! Please! First world problems.
truly hope it’s pregnancy hormones causing this kind of upset, otherwise motherhood with 2 kids is going to be a HUGE shock!

im Surprised you took her a scan if you felt she had no concept of what was happening. That must have been really confusing for her. The sonographer would have (rightly) assumed that because she was at the scan she must have had some understanding of what was going on. Either way, I doubt your daughter will remember being told. You could tell her again next week and she will probably be just as surprised / confused

Try not to get upset. In the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter and tbh you’ll probably look back and laugh about it. When I went for my scan my dh said to the sonographer, “we don’t want to know the sex of the baby…” and before the words went out of his mouth she said “it’s a boy”. Dh and I looked at each other half happy at the news and half devastated we’d found out at that point. I did have a cry about it later on because I hadn’t wanted to find out until the baby was born, but by the time our ds was born we were laughing about it, particularly the look on the sonographer’s face when dh said “actually we didn’t want to know the baby’s sex”.

So I do get why you’re upset and how it makes you feel at the time, but you will look back and realise it ultimately wasn’t the end of the world.

Pretty much echoing others here. Your daughter is 4 and knows a lot more than you’ve gave her credit for. If you didn’t want her to know, don’t bring her with you to the scan where she will see the baby anyway and conversation about the baby. The midwife was just making conversation, I imagine she’ll think people who are at the appointment will know. You should have told her beforehand to make it nicer for your daughter than just a tag along

I think if something specific happens that can lodge it in your memory otherwise it just fades. Even though I have no memories of my brother before he hit about five I have a distinct memory of myself knocking over a relatives glass of wine when I was about two or three.

This makes no sense. You brought the 4yo to your appt. How were you planning to keep it a secret?

Oh my! I think you have some growing up to do yourself. You’re acting like a spoilt child. Your wording was unclear and am not sure what memory you’re taking away from your daughter. Get a grip and learn what’s important to be a good parent (it’s about bringing up well rounded children). Life isn’t a series of instagram moments.

My son was 4 when I was pregnant with his little sister. I had a stillbirth in between him and his sister and some miscarriages so wanted to wait to tell him until later on but I was starting to show and he noticed. He actually said “mummy I think there might be a baby in your tummy”. And I had to tell him then whilst we were walking down a street somewhere.

You're crying over this? The hell are you going to do when something really worth crying about happens?

It's absolutely not a big deal, your daughter will not remember to this.

If you spend your life planning perfect memories, you'll miss all the good stuff.

It's disappointing but agree with others, the way you worded it made it seem like you had told her but she didn't understand, you should have been more clear and told her you haven't actually told her yet

You took her to your scan but hadn't told her you're pregnant ? That makes absolutely no sense at all to me ! Yes your over reacting i can see why the midwife thought she knew just didn't quite get it . Bizarre behaviour on your part.

Sorry for your loss 💐

this is why many places won’t allow children to go to the scan as may show sad news

in all of my scans (and consultant led so bad every 3w) I was always told to not bring any children - which is they had read my Notes they would have known a this was baby 1 and taken 10yrs ttc and no other young siblings

All comes back to saying what you mean! Midwife was trying to help.

To say you are ‘heartbroken’ is massively OTT.

You’d have been entitled to be heartbroken if you’d gone for a scan, and been told there was no heartbeat. Like what happened to my dd.

I thi k you were a bit short sighted taking dd to scan and not have told her.

Of course the member of staff was going to chat to dd about becomjng a big sister.

Took the memory from you? Very over dramatic OP.

I honestly can’t even remember telling my eldest that he was going to be a big brother, he and his sister absolutely hate the bones of each other and fight non stop, becoming a sibling isn’t really that special in the grand scheme of things.

I am sure this is just pregnancy hormones making you upset. Try and move on and enjoy your pregnancy, best of luck with it.

YABU

What di you think the implications of having her at a scan might otherwise be?

Didn’t you know she’s been planning this moment since she was 4 weeks pregnant!!! 🙄 😂

This! And if she does remember that moment it will be an actual memory rather than something she “remembers” through seeing photos etc

Unless there is a massive drip feed that she’s developmentally delayed there is no way a four year old wouldn’t work out what you were talking about or seeing. My 3 year old would be asking aaaaaaall the questions

When my mum told me and my older sister that she was pregnant and that it was unexpected, I asked her if she was going to get an abortion.
So the announcement wasn't that memorable (well, it was, but not for the same reason)

On the other hand, we had a lot of fun with my mum when she was pregnant, she made the baby talk, we chose the name etc... (I probably wanted her to be called Strawberry-Candy or Pony-Smurf).
I was probably dead disappointed when she was born, Pony-Smurf was just a lump of crying mess in lieu of the expected pocket-size playmate.

Anyway, she's in her 40s now, and with my older sister, we're all super close and that's what makes my mum happy.
Don't overthink it, you've got a lifetime of fantastic memories to create ahead of you.

You were very unclear.

You said your DD didn't understand, not that you hadn't told her yet. That definitely implied that you had tried telling her but she hadn't grasped it. So it would have seemed to the midwife that you needed some help there. She did overstep, but that probably wasn't how it was intended and I can see why it happened.

I assume you took her with you to the appointment due to childcare issues, but you probably shouldn't have presumed that you could get through an entire scan appointment in front of your 4 year old without the baby being discussed as such in front of her. You were on a sticky wicket there as she would probably have worked something out. It might have been better to have told her beforehand.