Midwife told my daughter she is a big sister before i did!

[Jenny124501]

I went for my scan and then i had to have some bloods taken and i took my daughter with me and i had said she doesn’t understand yet so she turned to my daughter and said “there is a baby in mums tummy, you are going to be a big sister” and my 4 year old daughters smile went away as i think she was shocked to hear this from a stranger. I have been planning when i will tell her since i was 4 weeks pregnant! I am heartbroken because she took that memory from us! Tell me I'm not overreacting but also help me see how this isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things because i don’t want this to dampen the fact my daughter will be a big sister. Thank you.

I have 4 dc with age gaps of 19 months to 16 years 3 months and I doubt any of them can remember being told they were getting another sibling!

I can see why you’re disappointed at not getting to share the news yourself, but I do think it’s a bit strange that you took her to an antenatal appointment with you and expected to keep it a secret. I think the midwife was acting normally here and was probably trying to be helpful if you’d just said your DD didn’t understand.

Your daughter is 4?! Of course she is old enough to understand. Surely she goes to nursery school, where there will be siblings. If not, you're isolating her and depriving her of socialising with her peers, and school will be an even bigger issue.

Her shock was undoubtedly that she is no longer your only child, coupled with confusion as to why a nurse was telling her and not YOU. Don't project your disappointment/lack of action onto your child, what's done is done.

My son was 16 months old when his sister arrived, he definitely didn't understand, despite our efforts (we bought childrens books on how to tell him) but he absolutely adored her from the moment she arrived.

Your DD most likely won't remember - provided you get over this like yesterday. We bought gifts for our Son from his new sister, and we were actively mindful to spend alone time with him and include him - he was absolutely fine.

You are massively overreacting, I have 3 grown up daughters and I honestly can’t remember the times when I told them about baby on the way 😂, honestly don’t worry about it.

You are being totally unreasonable. The poor midwife hadn’t done anything wrong and has taken nothing from you.

Things like this make me realise how bloody old I am! The social media possibility hadn’t even occurred to me!

Maybe did you a favour as you’d probably build up in your head you telling her and her being super excited. In reality at 4 it probably wouldn’t be that major a moment with limited reaction. As such I don’t think she’s spoiled it for you.

As others have said - lack of clarity on your part is to blame for her telling your daughter.

You took her to the scan. Did you not think someone might say something?

You took your daughter with you to a scan and didn't think it would be mentioned?
I can see why it's disappointing that you didn't get to tell her, but that's on you.
You didn't even tell the midwife that she didn't know yet! You just said she didn't understand.
People aren't mind readers

How did you even make it to/through the appointment without her asking where you were going, what you were doing, etc….i have a 4 year old, i can’t go for a wee without him needing to know everything never mind to an appointment at the hospital.

The fact you had a child with you that would be old enough to have an idea what was happening would be enough for the midwife to assume she knew she was going to have a sibling and you weren’t clear when you told her that she didn’t know.

Agreed 👍

I agree. I wouldn’t blame her.

You took your daughter to an ultrasound and to see the midwife yet the midwife is wrong for mentioning your pregnant? You couldn’t have had a quiet word and said she doesn’t know could we not mention it?

OP, can you clarify how you were allowed to have your daughter with you in the scan in the first place? I'm fairly sure they're not allowed in and a quick Google would seem to confirm this.

"Children are generally not allowed to go to NHS scans, particularly pregnancy scans, because they can be a distraction to the sonographer and pose a safety risk in the clinical environment. Hospitals usually state in appointment letters that children are not permitted, and if childcare is not available, the appointment may need to be rebooked."

No it isn’t a big deal as at 4yrs it has less meaning anyway. Although - why on earth would you take her to a SCAN and not expect her to find out by being there hence why the staff assumed you meant she didn’t understand it rather than she didn’t actually know….

This is area dependent. When I was booking my 20 week scan, I said to DH (whilst standing at the booking desk in the hospital) 'That time might be tricky for my mum to look after DD, we'll have to see who can look after her'. The member of staff encouraged us to bring her along. She came into the room with us for the scan.

I appreciate many places don't allow this and the reasons why, but that doesn't mean it never happens.

No, I know, that's why I asked. Definitely not allowed in my area.
I suppose the OP may also not have been using the NHS for her scan.

Saying that your daughter doesn’t understand definitely infers that you had already told her, nothing at all to do with the midwife. Just blame it on the hormones and enjoy so many more special memories to come 😊

It doesn’t sound like she had some big reaction so even sitting down and explaining it properly at home will still be a special moment. What about getting her a children’s book about pregnancy/having a new sibling to read together and as something special you can keep to show her when she’s older?

It’s incredibly weird to take a 4 year old to a hospital for a medical appointment where you are not only being scanned but having blood taken with no explanation. My ds1 who was about 3.5 when I was pregnant with DS2 would have been worried! Also you must have been tripping over pregnant women etc.

Why would you take your child to a scan if you didn’t want her to find out she would be a big sister? Why would you take her to a scan in general? What if you had been told something was wrong and she had to witness that and your reaction to that? Do you take her to every medical appointment you have?

Also, what you said to the midwife implies that you’d said something and she didn’t understand what you meant. She probably thought she was helping you explain what was happening clearly to her.

Also, your talk of wanting a “special moment” and it being taken from you reeks of this being more about the social media likes and the reaction instead of what was best for your child.

Poor decision making all round has led to this.

I don’t think @Jenny124501is coming back as no one has acted shocked they the scanned did this

You took her to the scan and didn't mention to the people not to say anything? Like really?! This is not their fault, I think 99% of people would have enough sense to a) not take the child if they hadnt been told or b) mention when you get there not to say anything?! I'm not really sure how else you expected this to end? They were trying to be kind to your daughter. So yes sorry you are massively overreacting IMO