Midwife told my daughter she is a big sister before i did!

[Jenny124501]

I went for my scan and then i had to have some bloods taken and i took my daughter with me and i had said she doesn’t understand yet so she turned to my daughter and said “there is a baby in mums tummy, you are going to be a big sister” and my 4 year old daughters smile went away as i think she was shocked to hear this from a stranger. I have been planning when i will tell her since i was 4 weeks pregnant! I am heartbroken because she took that memory from us! Tell me I'm not overreacting but also help me see how this isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things because i don’t want this to dampen the fact my daughter will be a big sister. Thank you.

It’s what you said - she doesn’t understand - not she doesn’t know

so the lady trying to be helpful

You are being silly, but it's probably the hormones. This time next week you'll be wondering what on earth you were so upset about. It happens to all of us.

As long as you didn't make it the poor HCP's problem, there's nothing to worry about.

Well you took her with you to the scan which indicates that it wasn't meant to be a secret from her. Why would she not understand?

I was three when I got a younger sibling and I have absolutely no memories of them at all until they were about 5.

Yeah you are overreacting. I get that you’re annoyed you didn’t get to tell her but it really isn’t that much of a big deal in the grand scheme of life, and it sounds like the midwife was trying to be helpful as you’d said she didn’t understand.

There is far too much pressure to have “instagram-perfect” memory-making moments - pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, birth announcements etc but whilst it’s nice to be able to share your exciting news with the people you love, the importance has all been built up too much.

An Antenatal Scan is a screening tool to look for abnormalities in the baby/fetus. Children are NOT to be taken to scans as if they have to give you bad news while a small child is present its pretty horrendous for both parties. We have signage up which people merrily ignore and think they are having a fun day out showing toddler new baby etc.

Life is about living it, not constantly ‘making memories’.

'She doesn't understand' so the midwife was trying to help out by explaining. Nothing has been 'taken away' from you.

Quite surprised that you didn't explain to your child what was happening that day and why you were going to hospital.

Your dd won't remember who told her and if she does, what does it matter? Sounds like the HCP misunderstood your statement that she didn't understand and felt she was helping you out. Though why would you think a 4 year old wouldn't understand? Not get the implications, of course, but 4 year olds would generally understand about a baby being on the way.

Use this as an opportunity to get her involved and explain what will be happening. Don't worry, a 'big reveal' won't impact your dd the way it might an older child or adult. And she needs to be prepared.

I would say YABU. I probably am going to think differently though. I want nothing more than to give my child a sibling but I've had a couple of losses so far. I would look on the positive side and not be bothered by something that seems so small (announcing) to me!

I can see why it was disappointing for you but I dont think the midwife can be blamed if you took your DD to your scan. It probably wasn't very wise of you taking your DD to the scan without explaining beforehand what it was for.

This. You can’t take a small kid with you to a medical appointment and not give them a age appropriate explanation to what’s going on.

Good god

You could maybe think about involving your 4 yo more in daily conversations and in what you are doing.

I cannot for the life of me imagine what she thought was happening, if you weren't clear and honest with her.

Some horrible responses on here. And op didn’t take her DD to the scan she took her to get the blood taken after.

You took her with you they usually say not to take children to scans. Unless she has a severe learning disability she would have asked what's that in mummy's tummy.

My daughter was coming up 3 when her brother was born. From about 6 months I was pointing to my stomach and saying baby. She understood that even though she has severe autism. She used go and get 1 of her dolls to cuddle.

She still told the midwife that her daughter didn’t understand, which means she had told her daughter and the kid didn’t understand what it meant. The midwife just tried to help.

Memories are natural, not contrived. Nothing was taken from you, apart from an insta moment…

It's one of those things that seem really important to parents but the children don't remember. My eldest was 5 when he went to my dating scan where we found out the baby had died at 9 weeks. A few weeks later he just remembered going to the hospital, getting a biscuit and going for a surprise sleepover at Nana's house.

You brought her with you to an appointment. The baby was bound to be mentioned?

Bring her out for some ice cream and talk about the baby make it a nice occasion.

In all fairness you did take her with you, she shouldn’t have been there if you wanted to avoid her wondering what was happening.

me too.

A lot of ‘memory making’ really isn’t when it comes down to it. A vague memory here, a fuzzy memory there, or no memory at all is all a lot of it ends up being.

I read it as it was both, you go to the hospital you go in one room and have your scan and then after that go have your bloods taken. Unless she left her Dd in the waiting room while she had the scan I guess.

I would have assumed, that as you’d bought her along for a scan, that she already knew.