Petrified at the thought of a third boy

[Tegah]

Im 5 weeks with our third baby, and whilst I’m so happy to be pregnant again, I’m also absolutely petrified. We already have 2 boys, who I adore, but they are bloody hard work and high energy. Since I’ve found out I’m pregnant, my thoughts have been consumed by fears of this being another boy which I feel awful about. At the same time, I cannot deny that I am desperate beyond words for a little girl. I have longed for a baby girl for a long time now and I think that now knowing this is our final baby (for many reasons but mainly financially, we live just outside London and house prices are crippling), it has dawned on me that this is my last chance. I know that many people will jump on this post and berate me for even having a preference with gender, and I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, which of course I am and I know I am lucky to even be having a third child. But I think it will take me a while to come to terms with having another boy, and never having that bond with a little girl that I so desperately want. How do I cope with gender disappointment if this is another boy? Please be kind.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this, if it's any comfort, there's no guarantee that a girl wouldn't be hard work and high energy - mine was definitely more of a handful than her brother!

If this is a deep feeling that’s seriously affecting you you speak to your midwife and get help.

If it’s not that serious you give yourself a talking to about having such negative feelings about another son. You’ll love him just as much as the other two and you’ll feel like an idiot for even entertaining those thoughts.

You might be having a girl so wallowing in self pity right now would be pointless.

I have a friend who had four boys and then just gave up. There is a lot to be said for having a third boy - you have all the clothes and toys and they will make a gang. As has been said, there is no guarantee that you would have a ‘nice, quiet, little girl’ and why would you want to?

I think my ex wanted a boy after three girls to play football with And bounce around
He got a chess playing tech geek he doesn’t know what to do with it.

I know and lots of high energy girls and mellow, chilled boys, you never know what you're going to get expect an individual.
I do appreciate hoping for the opposite sex as a curiosity once you've had one or two of the same, but healthy babies over anything else is the most important.

I hope you get your girl op, fingers crossed.

Our daughter (first child) was far harder work than her 9 year younger brother.

I’ll assume ‘petrified’ is an exaggeration.

You need to accept this may well be another boy and you’ll love him just as much as the others. Don’t let this obsession ruin your pregnancy.

I have a toddler girl. I wanted a boy.

She is a live wire, so much more active than her peers needing a lot of outdoor activity, is loud, defiant. hates dresses and her hair being tidied.

I’ve met toddler boys far more placid and easy going than her.

I think sex is a contributing factor but personality / genes often top it.

Its okay to have a preference (of course) but just try and focus on the blessing of a healthy pregnancy.

I don’t necessarily want a ‘quiet, calm girl’, more so I suppose a mini me, as my husband has with our two boys. They get to do boy things together, football etc. I also know that there is no guarantee if I did have a girl that she would be interested in the same things that I am as a child. I think it’s the idea of being able to go for afternoon tea and a nice day out as adults with my daughter, as I do with my mum and sister.

DD is a lot more high energy than DS and is definitely more exhausting! Luckily she discovered gymnastics 🤣

I do get the impulse to have a "mini me" thing. My DD is the love of my life but she is absolutely nothing like me to look at. So even if you did get your girl, she might be nothing like you!

This is why I didn't go for a third (I was desperate for a third boy). But that's not helpful to you as they are on their way already.

You're putting a LOT into this tiny baby who hasn't been born yet. It's unfair.

Yes, generally boys can be high energy but they can also be gentle, loving and quiet. I know so many.
Girls can be high energy and really hard work.
You're having a unique individual.

But if you really 'feel terrified' you need to speak to your midwife to get help in case it snowballs.

The more I let myself think about it, the more I think it’s the feelings I’m scared of that I know will inevitably accompany having a third boy. Mainly disappointment and having to accept I will never get to experience having a daughter. Missing out on many experiences that come with having a daughter. It’s just a hard pill to swallow for me. The hormones that accompany early pregnancy are probably a huge contributor to these feelings I’m having at the moment which I’m fully aware of, and I know in a couple of months I might feel differently.

The mini me thing is gross. It’s a whole new person, not a mini you!

I have 2 boys then a girl, we only went for a third because we would have been truly happy with their another boy or a girl. DD is the hardest in many ways. Possibly because she’s a girl, possibly because she’s the youngest, possibly because of her personality, many other factors. They’re multi dimensional people and you can easily say any of them are easier than the others, depending on how you frame it.

Advice - go in with an open mind. ESPECIALLY if you do have a girl. Feels like you’re gonna be gutted if she’s not like you!

Yeah I think you’ll look back and cringe/be ashamed tbh. Hopefully! Just the hormones, not your actual thoughts!

I think youre getting a hard time from some, you've been open and your feelings are valid. You are obviously close with your sister and mum and worrying you wont have that if you have only sons. If it helps, im one of three and am the only girl. I've never been that close with my mum, we're probably too similar and clash. She does spa days and afternoon tea things and theatre etc with my middle brother, theyre the closest!

You’ll need to just get over it. Some of us never have daughters. C’est la vie. Whether you have a mum, sister, lots of friends with girls has nothing to do with it, appreciate what you get.

Where have I ever said that she id be gutted if she wasn’t like me?! I have in fact said the opposite if you scroll up! I’m fully aware that they are their own person. I would never make my child be anything they did not want and never have. I said on my original post to please be kind, I don’t think this comment is kind at all.

Your child is not your chance to recreate yourself, fill a gap in your life or use a child as a prop in some fantasy you have of a future that might never happen.

Part of the joy of having children is learning who they are and joining them in their world. Imagine the pressure on a daughter whose mum is so wedded to the idea of the role she is going to play in a binary fantasy land where the women shop and eat cake and the men kick a ball about. What if she wants to play football? Shave her head? Down pints? Can she be who she wants to be when her mother has decided her role before she even exists?

Take your sons on days out. Take this baby on days out. Introduce them to a rich world which doesn't sit in neat pink and blue boxes. Your dream of the future is based on nothing. You have two fantastic children and another one on the way. Please accept them and love them for who they are and not what you want to be.

This seems to be one of the few subjects where women find it acceptable to tell other women to silence their thoughts and fears!

There is nothing wrong with yearning to have a girl after having boys or a boy after having girls.

’As long as the baby is healthy!’ is the mantra trotted out.

It’s only a problem after the baby is born and you feel feelings of wanting to reject or change them.

Of course all children are unique and some will not be stereotypical in their behaviour. There is nothing wrong in wanting a child who has the stereotypical traits of being either a boy or a girl.

Your emotions are heightened during pregnancy and telling you to shut your feelings out is wrong.

As others have said, my experience of having both, is that girls are sometimes harder work and completely wild. It depends so much on the child.

Sorry you are feeling this way though.

I apologise but I’m chuckling a little.

I said above that I have a rather amazing but lively little girl.

The mini me thing? Yeah… she’s the spit of my husband and as active as he is. My genetics didn’t even try. Looks nothing like me, personality like his and all of his interests. Thick as thieves they are.

Its okay to have a fantasy but don’t let it consume you.

Having a preference is fine and quite normal. Being “petrified” of the opposite sex is not and an indication perhaps that OP maybe should just have stuck at 2.

I have three boys who are pretty grown up. They are all quite into clothes and I've been known to borrow their stuff. We find things to connect with based on their individual interests. I do get a bit what you mean about wanting an adult daughter. I got on well with one of their girlfriends and we did do things together that the boys wouldn't have wanted to do. I got on well with my mil and we did things just the two of us.
I think it’s ok to feel like you do for a bit and acknowledge that but then you’ll just get on with the madness of having three little ones and before you know it you’ll be drawn into all sorts of things following their individual interests and your life will be full coping with the children you have and love rather than worrying about those you didn’t.
On the other hand you might have a girl…