Petrified at the thought of a third boy

[Tegah]

Im 5 weeks with our third baby, and whilst I’m so happy to be pregnant again, I’m also absolutely petrified. We already have 2 boys, who I adore, but they are bloody hard work and high energy. Since I’ve found out I’m pregnant, my thoughts have been consumed by fears of this being another boy which I feel awful about. At the same time, I cannot deny that I am desperate beyond words for a little girl. I have longed for a baby girl for a long time now and I think that now knowing this is our final baby (for many reasons but mainly financially, we live just outside London and house prices are crippling), it has dawned on me that this is my last chance. I know that many people will jump on this post and berate me for even having a preference with gender, and I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, which of course I am and I know I am lucky to even be having a third child. But I think it will take me a while to come to terms with having another boy, and never having that bond with a little girl that I so desperately want. How do I cope with gender disappointment if this is another boy? Please be kind.

Girls can be pretty lively - I have 3 and can vouch for that!

Your feelings are totally valid op.

Your fear and upset is based on sexism and stereotypes. We're pointing out that if you can let go of those, then you don't need to be afraid of having another boy or can be prepared that a girl won't guarantee the relationship you're wanting.

I think the fact that there are numerous posts on mums net and all over internet forums from mums around the world, about this topic shows that I am not alone. I know that. I would feel the same if I already had two girls

The thing about gender disappointment posts is that the mothers aren’t the only people affected. They describe a situation in which a child, through no fault of his own and who didn’t ask to be born, is coming into a world where he might be unwanted. The parent, often the primary caregiver, is petrified of their existence or heartbroken about their gender, generally because of stereotypical gender expectations.

Obviously, that won’t sit well with people. It’s unfair. It makes one think that perhaps these individuals shouldn’t be having children at all. But also, some of those responding will have been that disappointing child, the one who wasn’t quite what their parent wanted. And they know how much that hurts.

I’m not here to brag but I have one of each and I am so suprised by how much I love having my girl . I have an eldena boy and would have been delighted with any gender for the second but having a girl is so wonderful . It is a Different experience. She is way harder work ! But a typical - dolly , pink , wants to help and cook ! I know it isn’t the 1950s and she has dinosaurs and trains but she has blown my mind ! I’m sure a second boy would have also been different to first child.
People on here will berate you but I get your feelings and think your brave do admit it.
I had an early scan to find out the gender . Will you ?

My middle daughter is far far louder and harder work than DS so just because you have a girl doesn’t guarantee a calm personality. I can understand you wishing for a little girl this time but I really would try to get your head round the fact it very well may be a boy, that’s the dice we roll when we decide to have a baby OP, as long as they are healthy that’s all that really matters.

I have 3 children a mix of girls and boys and it’s their personalities that determine who they are, not their gender. Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy.

“Experiencing both genders” isn’t a thing. As you know the temperament of children varies and it’s not like all boy mums or girl mums have the same experience being a parent.

For every active one climbing trees, there’s another who is happiest sitting on a cushion reading a book. You could have a daughter who is football mad like your h or a son who is happy to sit in coffee shops and shop like you. A girl born after 2 brothers is more likely to want to be like her brother ime preferring football kids and Spider-man over dresses and pink.

Yanbu to fantasize about a child that you’re close to but limiting it to a daughter is sad and misogynistic. You might be currently going through a phase where you don’t feel close to your sons but it doesn’t mean that it must be like that forever. (I have 2 adult sons )

Thank you so much for this. I knew I would be torn to shreds on here for this post, which is why I said please be kind. My two boys are very different in personalities but very similar in what they like- dinosaurs, trains, anything outdoors etc. very boyish things. I will find out the gender yes. I didn’t find out with my second until birth and it was such a lovely experience but a bit hard to not know for such a long time.

In my family, men and women are close and go to spas and for tea. Why don't you improve on your family traditions by opening them up to your sons?

Honestly they're high energy because that's their genes. The families I know with boys and girls the kids are all the same.

I also think having daughters is one of those things that is romanticised when you don't have them. Whatever you are imagining a girl to be like the reality is likely to disappoint 😅

If I had a daughter I know it’s a small tradition I would likely carry on. Shoot me for wanting that I suppose!

What happens if your daughter doesn't want to do any of that though? She might prefer to go to a match with her brothers and her dad than go to a spa with you. What you want and what you get are 2 different things.

This society is so incredibly warped. The men in my family do things that they like together. The women aren’t invited to what they do, not because they’re excluded or not allowed, simply because they wouldn’t want to go and watch horses race for the day. Vice versa. It’s okay to like things that are stereotypical to your gender, you know?!

I do have a daughter so I’m mindful of lecturing you breezily while not being in your shoes. I also have a son.

I think sometimes people look far too much down the line and forget the here and now is equally as valuable. While you’re imagining a daughter and all the things that will bring you, you have 2 beautiful kids here and now to love and experience life with.

My first was a girl and my second was a boy, and I had a few comments along the lines of ‘they won’t be close when they’re older’. I said I don’t care if they are or not, they have a lovely relationship now, and each day matters as much as a day in their 20s and 30s. The fact they spend a day together playing now is every bit as beneficial as a day when they’re older.

In your shoes I wouldn’t find out the sex, I would buy lovely neutrals and think of an extra special boy’s name.

Well I have just asked my DS9 and DS5 if they would rather come with me to a spa and have a massage and some nice food or go watch a football game with their dad……response overwhelming with me for a day out.
To be fair a spa day is not my idea of fun and I love a good footie match. Just goes to show they are all their own individual people.
I also have DS16 and love nothing more than the night he takes away from his mates once a week to come and watch crap TV with me and eat chocolate.
Be happy with what you get. I am not close to my mum or sister. I also have a beautiful amazing niece who equally loves both traditional girly things and also nothing more than playing rough with her brother and cousins. Her mum hates it. Don’t be that parent

But surely that’s no reason to want a girl? It’s like you’re putting your idea of her future personality onto her before she’s even born. Make sure you save for the therapy she’s going to need.

I also think having daughters is one of those things that is romanticised when you don't have them.

They imagine an objectively beautiful, long haired little companion who is gentle and sparkly and destined for life in coffee shops and bridal shops.

In real life many women with daughters I know have a very complicated or unsatisfying relationship, with a lot of mental health at play, unmet expectations from each other etc.

My mum is nothing like me and doesn’t understand me at all. She doesn’t get my jokes, I don’t get hers, our outlooks on life are very different, tbh we just don’t have much to say to each other. I know I’m an endless source of disappointment to her.

She will need therapy because her mum wants to enjoy a nice day out with her 😂 I have heard it all now.

You’re projecting. Just because you have a daughter, you’re not guaranteed any experiences. My auntie had one of each. Her DD plays rugby and wouldn’t ever consider going for afternoon tea. They’re still close but she’s much closer to her son.
I have 1 girl and 3 boys and they’re all amazing in their own way.

Look OP I do get it - it’s more likely that a girl will want to do the things you do, and I think it’s a widely known fact women are far more likely to visit elderly parents in care homes than men. It’s not all societal conditioning either.

If men and women are no different, then why are we all here on Mumsnet; searching for female chat and solidarity? This website is special as there’s a very low male presence and obviously that’s why we use it - otherwise we would all be on Reddit etc

Football is a boy thing? Don’t you go and watch them play? What if you get a girl, is she allowed to enjoy football?
be careful what you wish for; you might get a fully fledged daddy’s girl and with 2 older brothers, she may not be the girly girl you desire.

Society is warped because people can do what they like, regardless of whether it aligns with gender stereotypes?! Well, I can imagine why your boys only like typical boy things. Bet they're given no choice and your girl wouldn't be either.

This goes to show that you have not read anything I have said previously in this thread. I have stated MULTIPLE times, that my children are allowed and encourage to do whatever they desire, hobbies etc. my first son adores watching princesses for example, something stereotypically girly. Neither gender would be excluded from gender typical activities. You are spouting rubbish to try and make me look like an awful human being and parent.

My husband is currently at the football with our 2 daughters while I’m at home with my son (the youngest). We’ve been in the hot tub now watching a film with hot chocolate. The chances of you getting a ‘mini me’ are slim, as all children are individuals.
I always find the concept of a ‘mini me’ a bit off anyway to be honest. I’m not so special that I’d want a recreation of myself 😬

This indeed! I think you might want to change your expectations. You might not get a quiet little princess who sits nicely all day, you might just have a wild child full of energy. Not what you want to hear but be realistic!