Petrified at the thought of a third boy

[Tegah]

Im 5 weeks with our third baby, and whilst I’m so happy to be pregnant again, I’m also absolutely petrified. We already have 2 boys, who I adore, but they are bloody hard work and high energy. Since I’ve found out I’m pregnant, my thoughts have been consumed by fears of this being another boy which I feel awful about. At the same time, I cannot deny that I am desperate beyond words for a little girl. I have longed for a baby girl for a long time now and I think that now knowing this is our final baby (for many reasons but mainly financially, we live just outside London and house prices are crippling), it has dawned on me that this is my last chance. I know that many people will jump on this post and berate me for even having a preference with gender, and I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, which of course I am and I know I am lucky to even be having a third child. But I think it will take me a while to come to terms with having another boy, and never having that bond with a little girl that I so desperately want. How do I cope with gender disappointment if this is another boy? Please be kind.

OP whatever you feel you feel. Completely understand that this is difficult for you. You never know. You might be expecting a wee girl. If not I’m sure you’ll come to terms with it and babies bring their love with them so maybe DS3 if that’s to be might be Mum’s boy who loves doing all those things. You can’t help the way you feel and need to be extra kind to yourself as you navigate this pregnancy. I’m sure you weren’t planning it but avoid the daft gender reveals. You need time to get your head/heart round what was not to be if it’s not your longed for daughter. Hoping posters are kind.

I mean, don't you think you're being a bit disingenuous? There ARE general differences between the sexes, broadly speaking. Do they apply to every individual? No. But generally, girls are going to be much happier chatting over afternoon tea than boys, who aren't as adept verbally as girls and who often prefer doing things than just sitting and talking. I understand OP's desire for a girl and to have that mother-daughter bond, one hundred percent.

If it doesn't happen, I'm sure she'll adjust and would love another boy whole-heartedly, but she is not wrong for these feelings, and I'd bet that many, many more women feel like this than they'd admit.

I have two boys who are teens now. We went for afternoon tea just last month, it was lovely. We go to the theatre and musicals together. I read to them until they were 11, all my childhood favourites including Little Women,Anne of Green gables, A Little Princess . They enjoyed My Little Pony, I still have my old ones. They have also been into trains, Lego , Beast quest, Pokémon, gaming, ,rugby, athletics, cycling, all things I have no interest in, but obviously I joined in to a certain extent.

I never imagined myself with boys, I only have sisters. I thought of DS1 as a girl for about two months as I was only used to girl babies. Once or twice when they were little I was a bit sad that I wouldn't have a girl to hang with. But I can't even remember why now. I'm actually relieved to have boys. Wouldn't change a thing.

Your feeling are valid. Most people would want a mixture of both if they were being honest.
However, there is no guarantee that a daughter wouldn't be an out-and-out tomboy who eschews frocks, shopping trips and dolls, lives in trousers and wants her hair short, and may not want to do 'feminine' things as an adult either. And if that would annoy and frustrate you, you might be better having another boy.

And I am a bit baffled as to why you can't go on days out with an adult son, why do you think this?

Often girls are much harder work than boys and the teenage years are far worse.

Mumsnet never has any problems distinguishing between men and women when it comes to male violence, the mental load, gender pay gap, misogyny etc but is suddenly confused about the differences between the two on gender disappointment threads! I suspect it’s more to do with berating OP for appearing to like ‘girly’ things - it’s much cooler on here to be a tomboy rugby player who is a black belt in karate etc

Oh dear just read more of your replies. Will a girl be forced into these traditions? She may not want to do any of them. It's sad that your boys don't get offered any of these things aswell.

I understand as I had 2 boys and so wanted a little girl. I became quite obsessive and did a lot of things to try and sway for a girl. Whether any of it worked or it would have happened anyway, I did get my daughter. She is 18 soon and yes it’s been lovely raising a daughter, but i’m no closer to her than my son’s. A lot is down to personality. I think its ok to have a preference.

I just do both stereotypically girly and boyish things with my sons 🤷‍♀️

Tea parties are a huge hit in my house and so are pamper sessions. We all love getting outdoors too.

Older generations of my family are like yours. My mum and aunties/uncles tend to split along gender lines for socialising.

Me, my sister, BIL and cousins are far more likely to invite whoever wants to come for afternoon tea, to watch rugby, or to the spa (I love spas and there never seems to be a shortage of men there?). You don't have to exclude your sons from 'girly' things just because that's been the norm in your family so far.

I'm afraid you don't get to tell me where I can and can't post. And I wasn't unkind. I was honest. I think by "kind", you meant, don't be honest with me and I'm afraid honestly confronting your binary world view is the path out of your current feelings.

Of course I dream of the future I will have with my children. I just don't dream in reductive stereotypes.

Nowt wrong with boys liking football and nobody has said there is. I think people are trying to help you open your eyes and see the utter joy that is having children rather than feeling petrified because you've bought into stereotypes about who your children will theoretically be 20 years in the future.

Gender swaying has worked for 90% of the people I know who have admitted to trying it. I was as sceptical as anyone but I think there’s truth in it!

Then why are you on Mumsnet, a predominantly female website?

I can't think of anything worse than Afternoon Tea. Am I less of a female? No.
My point is this; you don't know what kind of child you will get. The sex of the baby does not determine their personality.
Please speak to your midwife, although I'm assuming "petrified" is an exaggeration, you may need some support.

I am aware that physical and mental health disorders are two seperate things. I would argue that mental health disorders can be more harmful to women than the physical problems during pregnancy not least because people there is a lack of awareness, stigma and it is often minimised. MBRRACE 2025: Mental health still the leading cause of late maternal death | Maternal Mental Health Alliance

My point to DingDongJingle who states "But she did have a chance to not feel like this. By not getting pregnant, knowing there was a strong chance she could have another boy" is that

1)I don't think OP knew she was going to feel like this.
2)Even if she had a preference for gender she feels how she feels now and she is already pregnant and is merely expressing that and actually asking how she can deal with the disappointment should it happen.

In the same way, someone who decides to get pregnant knowing that morning sickness could be a potential,
1)May not have realised that the morning sickness would be as bad as it is or may have been hoping that they wouldn't get morning sickness at all
2)still has a right to feel shit about having morning sickness and express that.

I don't know what to say about the emoji. Apologies for it offending ? you or ? Dingdong ? or everyone ?? You have the right as does everyone to report posts you feel are offensive

@Uggbootsforever , it doesn't work. What probably happened is the ones who got the sex they hoped for were willing to admit it.

No, they said while they were trying! (Bar one)!

I've just given birth to boy number 4 (2 weeks ago) and I spent the pregnancy thinking a girl would be nice but also expecting to have a boy and thinking in many ways its easier as they can share clothes, toys etc and probably will have more in common, although their personalities are all very different. I think one thing that helped me was not finding out any of their sexes until birth because then I had all the happy stuff at the same time as finding out rather than spending 4 months building up expectations of what they would be like. But I did have the realisation this week that I'll never have a daughter to go wedding dress shopping with. But that's decades in the future

In all seriousness, there's no way that you can forsee what kind of child you will have. You may have a daughter who is into wrestling and rugby and wouldn't wear pink if her life depended on it. You may have a son who is into Disney princesses and wants to wear sparkling nail varnish.
Try not to set too much store on the future that you can't control. Just look after yourself and focus on your good fortune.

OP feels the way she feels though and you’re allowed to feel what you feel and to be fair it’s based on her lived experience of having two boys already. Not ‘any boys’ in general .. her two boys.

with 2 boys, if the father is the same you’re actually more likely to have another boy than a girl I’m afraid. With that being said, It may be worth having your bloods done to find out what you’re having to give maximum amount of time to prepare

@Theboymolefoxandhorse , OP already has a second son, and probably felt gender disappointment then.
Morning sickness will pass. 'Gender disappointment' might not.

I think wanting a girl is fine, and wanting to have them slot into your existing family dynamics is fine. I don’t think it’s egregious that you want to go to the spa with a future daughter like you did with your relatives, so I don’t get the criticism there.

Personally I grew up in a stereotypical boy household and I didn’t really like it. I wish I had sisters instead as even if we had different interests, it just would have been a completely different life experience. I didn’t have anyone to speak about girl things with like puberty or periods etc my parents were only equipped to parent boys. So I found myself super reliant on my friends. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing or that boys are bad, just that I get what you mean.

I did feel gender disappointment the second he was born and I found out he was a boy. I didn’t know before that. But ironically, I have a stronger bond with my second boy, than my first. My first has always had a stronger preference for his dad. Im more than capable of getting over gender disappointment, but was after tips from others on how they cope with it. Not to be berated and belittled
by people like you. Seems that you either can’t read, or simply thrive off kicking others whilst they’re down!

I have been in a group of women for 18yrs now and most did get their DD / DS in the end. But some had more babies to do so.

@Iloveyoubut but OP seems to have split activities into boys and girls things. Football doesn’t have to rely on a penis (either playing or watching) in fact our national ladies’ teams for both football and rugby have demonstrated that. And afternoon tea can also be enjoyed by someone with a penis.

And it is a good lesson to teach your boys that not everyone has the same interests so sometimes you have to do something that they might not enjoy that much but someone they love does. DS and his GF have different tastes in some programmes they watch, but every so often DS will talk about a musical they have watched together (not his first choice) and other times GF will watch something he prefers.