Petrified at the thought of a third boy

[Tegah]

Im 5 weeks with our third baby, and whilst I’m so happy to be pregnant again, I’m also absolutely petrified. We already have 2 boys, who I adore, but they are bloody hard work and high energy. Since I’ve found out I’m pregnant, my thoughts have been consumed by fears of this being another boy which I feel awful about. At the same time, I cannot deny that I am desperate beyond words for a little girl. I have longed for a baby girl for a long time now and I think that now knowing this is our final baby (for many reasons but mainly financially, we live just outside London and house prices are crippling), it has dawned on me that this is my last chance. I know that many people will jump on this post and berate me for even having a preference with gender, and I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, which of course I am and I know I am lucky to even be having a third child. But I think it will take me a while to come to terms with having another boy, and never having that bond with a little girl that I so desperately want. How do I cope with gender disappointment if this is another boy? Please be kind.

Op if you’re ’petrified’ of having another boy you shouldn’t be having another child.

And how do you know that a girl would want to automatically carry that tradition on?

Agreed. There was always going to be a 50:50 chance, so if there’s a 50% chance you’re going to be disappointed then it’s best not to risk it.

At that stage of my third pregnancy - in fact, all the way through (I didn’t find out in advance) - I resigned myself to a third crazy boy.

when my daughter was born I was surprised. And she’s just as crazy and physical as her brothers.

And it’s okay for girls/women to like football and the races (lots do) and for boys/men to like spas and afternoon tea (many do). Do you accept that?

You appear to come from a family that feels quite strongly about stereotypical gender roles. Would you have an issue if your daughter wanted to be a mini-her dad, instead of a mini you? Have you tried to carry on your little traditions with your sons, or have you decided they are only for girls?

I’m generally quite sympathetic about people having a (slight) preference for a particular sex, but given you a) deliberately got pregnant with number 3 knowing the odds of another boy and b) want a ‘mini me’ (🤮) I’m inclined to think you’re being unreasonable.

Why couldn't you go for afternoon tea with your sons? Mine are little but would love that.

Op if you’re ’petrified’ of having another boy you shouldn’t be having another child.

It's why I think it's just homones and last minute panic - way she writing it like she feels like a door is shutting on her and an opportunity is gone forever.

I think not only was I less fussed by sex of kids but also there was a door still open for another - just DH and I never got on same page about walking through at same time mainly due to aftermath of very poor pg/labour care - and when we were definite we were both very sure no waving that we didn't want more.

I've seen other parents very focused on it's the last one ever - I think it's often a mindfuck even when they have both genders and causes negativity - then it can carry on last time I'll ever do this or that that seems to sap the enjoyment out of event and take focus if what's happening to more nebulous negativity and moping.

My Mum had three boys trying for a girl then gave up! If it makes you feel better they were all very different. There's always a chance of female partners down the line!

But this isn’t about you “stating your preference”
I think people might be more understanding if you’d said, I’d love to have a little girl. The problem is that your thread title states that you’re “petrified” of having a boy. People are therefore being more harsh probably because they’re concerned about your unborn child who is already being subject to a raft of strong feelings. I understand that pregnancy hormones are playing a part here but honestly I think people are just trying to get you to dig deeper and reflect on what makes you so “petrified” and this is something that you owe to your unborn baby before they are born.

When I was expecting my ds I knew (because of my age) that I would have to be “one and done” I would have loved a little girl and a mini me as you describe. I found out as early as I could and did some real soul searching and then getting myself excited for having a little boy.

Now I have a boy mini me who would love to go for afternoon tea with me 🤣 and I wouldn’t change him for the world.

I can understand how you feel @Tegah and I do think you’re getting a hard time. I know that expressing a preference to boys or girls is not seen as ok but it’s just how some feel and I bet far more feel it than they’d admit.

I remember when VB and CR were having boy after boy and feeling myself that I’d be upset. I’ve got a couple of friends and relatives who only have boys or only have girls and I know which I’d prefer if I couldn’t have a mix.

Ultimately you can’t control or change it and you’ll need to find a way to put that disappointment aside but I think it’s important to acknowledge and process those feelings and not feel guilty or shamed.

Sorry you're getting such a hard time of it on here, OP. I completely understand and have been in your shoes. I wish I could offer some advice other than the guilt I felt at my disappointment made me incredibly determined to love ds3 even more fiercely.

Our boys are absolutely awesome and I adore having them all. That feeling didn't go for me until I had our dd though. It's about a shared experience of being female and understanding innately how she thinks and feels. Boys and girls are different, it's ridiculous to say otherwise. Yes, they're on a spectrum for interests and temperament but they are different, which becomes more evident as they get older. It's such a blessing to have any children and I know just how fortunate we have been. However, you can't help how you feel. You will love this baby fiercely regardless. Be kind to yourself OP.

OP, if I were you, I would from this point onwards assume that you are having a third boy and only think in terms of that scenario. That is what I did in your shoes. When the Sonographer told me my third was a girl I was totally shocked and couldn’t believe it. Of course I was over the moon. But I had made my peace with having a third boy long before that. And after some complications I was over the moon already that the baby was healthy.

It’s understandable to long for a girl. That was all I could think about as a child. Having 5 girls with rhyming names.

Seriously, we tried for years for the one boy we have, we'd have loved to have more children but couldn't do to secondary infertility. You are pregnant with your third and having thoughts like this, honestly count your blessings- we are beyond grateful for the one child we have and you're worried about the gender, there's no pleasing some people

I think it’s fine to have a mild preference. I think the issues arise when someone feels as strongly as the OP does, but decides to get pregnant regardless knowing there’s a 50% chance she will be disappointed with the outcome. She said she is ‘petrified’.

Say it is a little girl, I expect she will want to go to football with her brothers unless she is consciously or unconsciously dissuaded from joining in as she gets older.

It's the small things that make this a self fulfilling prophecy.

I've said this on here before but if you decided that this little boy (if a little boy) is going to be your mini-me, best friend in the future, etc. it is more likely to happen.

It's not being a girl that makes the close relationship with mum, it's mum's determination to make it so. You could do this with a lad but you are choosing not to because you don't think it is in your power.

It is! It's a self fulfilling prophecy

You are romanticising having a girl. You want a little girl, who you can go and do all the things that you enjoyed as a child with. The fact is, even if you do have a girl, she might not enjoy the same activities as you did! She might end up being a little 'Tom boy', who loves playing football with her brothers and games consoles!

Maybe she'd grow up to be captain of the Lionesses, imagine how proud you and your husband would be. With a dad and two brothers to get her playing early she'd have a great advantage.

The mini me thing doesn't make sense to me, I have 3 sisters. I am much closer & have more in common with my dad than my mum.

You do not have to continue with the pregnancy.
Most of the families I know who had two boys or two girls, had the same for DC3.
The probability of you having another boy is just over 50%

I don’t think anyone who thinks like this should be having more kids.

Can you start a new tradition with taking your sons to afternoon tea. DS loves going for afternoon tea, he particularly likes hoovering up the leftovers after his grandmas have had their fill!

My annual birthday treat from DS is to go to football match of a team we both follow. Ironically it was DH who had to cultivate a love of football to join in with football conversations between DS and me.

If you are petrified I wouldn't have risked having a third child, that is a horrible burden to put on a child whether they turn out to be a boy or a girl.

If it cheers you up OP I know many mums who have very close relationships with their sons - in childhood, through adulthood and right into supporting them in old age. A strong bond doesn’t come down to activities.

I have 2 DS. I’ve always done all the football stuff as I’m far more interested and enjoy it more than DH. Sometimes I wish I had a DD tbh but I’m not sure really what we would do together interest wise which would be any different. I suppose all families are different and there might be more of a male/female divide in some.

@Tegah congratulations on your pregnancy.

Gender disappointment is a real thing. People can’t help how they feel and I’m sure if you were given the chance you wouldn’t be feeling like this. It’s actually brave to be as open and as honest as you have been on a public forum and unfortunately many of the responses have shown exactly why so many people aren’t as open and honest about this.

I have no advice other than whatever happens you will have 3 gorgeous children and even if you are disappointed you will love them all nonetheless. I know a few people with 3 boys and their lives are as fun and loved filled as they are chaotic. I do completely understand as a woman and especially someone who is close to their mother and their sisters, wanting that relationship in the future. Don’t be made to feel bad for having these feelings, but do seek help if they become overwhelming. Being pregnant can be a hard and vulnerable time emotionally. It can be scary having a complete lack of power over your body and potential future. Give yourself grace, speak to people you can in real life and if you keep feeling genuinely petrified speak to midwives who I’m sure can offer you support. 🤍

Gender disappointment is a real thing. People can’t help how they feel and I’m sure if you were given the chance you wouldn’t be feeling like this

But she did have a chance to not feel like this. By not getting pregnant, knowing there was a strong chance she could have another boy.