Petrified at the thought of a third boy

[Tegah]

Im 5 weeks with our third baby, and whilst I’m so happy to be pregnant again, I’m also absolutely petrified. We already have 2 boys, who I adore, but they are bloody hard work and high energy. Since I’ve found out I’m pregnant, my thoughts have been consumed by fears of this being another boy which I feel awful about. At the same time, I cannot deny that I am desperate beyond words for a little girl. I have longed for a baby girl for a long time now and I think that now knowing this is our final baby (for many reasons but mainly financially, we live just outside London and house prices are crippling), it has dawned on me that this is my last chance. I know that many people will jump on this post and berate me for even having a preference with gender, and I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, which of course I am and I know I am lucky to even be having a third child. But I think it will take me a while to come to terms with having another boy, and never having that bond with a little girl that I so desperately want. How do I cope with gender disappointment if this is another boy? Please be kind.

In my original post I said to please be kind, I really don’t think this comment is anything of the sort. You’re lying if you say you have never had dreams or imaginations of what you will do in the future with your children! Don’t be so ridiculous. I have NEVER stated I am putting them in a box based on their gender. My boys enjoy football, a stereotypical
boy activity, which somehow seems frowned upon these days and they can’t like things that their gender sways them towards liking..

Assuming I don’t take my boys on days out is absurd. Please don’t bother commenting further on this post. You have spat out useless and unrelated rubbish unrelated to the problem i posted about!

I’ve literally never been for afternoon tea or any kind of “girls day out” with my mum and frankly couldn’t think of anything worse. We’re complete opposite personalities and have never been close, to the extent I moved out as soon as I turned 18 to get away from her. Children are their own people, whether boys or girls. You need to adjust your expectations sharpish.

I have girl, boy, girl - eveyone put DD1 and DS personalities down to their sex then we had DD2 - and everyone shut the fuck up - she was not like DD1 at all and much more like DS.

I don't quite get it as we just wanted three kids - but I know others who did have this and all got over it very quickly once baby was actually here.

My son is much more like me in personality, tastes and looks than my daughter. My daughter was also much harder work when young. I adore them both slavishly.

You never know what you're getting.

okay and that is your individual experience. The women in my family are very close, probably why I crave to be able to experience that with my own daughter. We do go on days out together and enjoy spending time together at a Spa or afternoon tea or a shopping day. If I had a daughter I know it’s a small tradition I would likely carry on. Shoot me for wanting that I suppose!

I'm sure you can find some lovely activities to do that both you and your boys would enjoy. Just because they're not the same gender as you. It maybe they'll introduce you to "boy" things that you might find it actually like. Or you might have a girl who likes football and doesn't want to do make up /shopping/ afternoon tea, I'm sure you'll still find ways to bond.

I’m writing as a mum of a little girl, toddler, who is absolutely beyond crazy, wild, high energy- having a girl isn’t any guarantee!

But just because you don’t have a girl doesn’t mean you can’t do all that. My husband goes out shopping with his mum, for afternoon tea etc.

I'm all for being kind OP but honestly, what were you expecting? You've chosen to have another child and you seem intelligent enough to grasp that there's a 50/50 chance of either sex...... why inflict this nonsense on yourself?

You can take boys for afternoon tea! Try to unclench a bit about rigid gender roles maybe?

I think you're letting sexism and stereotypes get in the way of your relationships.

This is going to sound crazy but did you know you don’t actually need a vagina to go shopping, to a spa, or for afternoon tea?!

Maybe you should try reframing it as you hope you have a child who grows up to enjoy shopping and afternoon tea!

After all, these days sex and gender at birth doesn't necessarily mean they will grow up a certain way.

It is lovely thing to have but doesn't guarantee your own child would want that or go along with that - or that you can't find some equilient with your sons.

I don't really think anyone is blaming you for having dreams about an unborn child just that they may not be possible in reality.

I think you will re-adjust if you do get another son - and you'll love them like the other two you have and see them as individuals once born and as they grow.

Goodness I knew this post would invite the unsympathetic and close minded ‘you should just be happy with what you’re given’ types. It’s no wonder mums and women stay silent on topics like this and don’t dare speak their preference if they have one!

I have 3 boys. I did hope for a girl the last time, but we went in knowing we may have a boy and that would be fine. I found out at the scan and that allowed my moment of ‘disappointment’ and then I found I could move forward.

In terms of ‘mini me’ you don’t need a girl for that. My oldest son share a number for very specific interests and that comes from the fact that I nurtured those things. The other two have other things.

You could try and find one thing that you can focus on with each of them that might help you feel you have the mini me thing. DS1 and I both love languages and history which we bond over, DS2 and I are both social and extroverted and love a party, DS3 and I have less in common, he is drawn to his dad but we still have our moment.

They are adults and teens now.

I find it so disappointing reading posts like this because they just reinforce how entrenched misogyny is in our society. You're choosing to put gendered expectations on a baby that hasn't even had a chance to be born yet because of genitalia that they may or may not have.

I think its because its always the same thing. People 'terrified' or 'heartbroken' because their child may be or is going to be a baby boy. Usually because they want to do what the OP wants to do- shopping and spa days and want their DD's to stick around them right into adulthood even when they have their own dreams, their own personalities and even their own families. Expect their DD's to let them see the fictional grandchildren first/ expect their DS's to abandon them as soon as they meet a woman etc etc. Its insulting to both girls and boys. Why is it a good thing to expect girls to never leave their sides, never go and live in another town or be their own person/ sacrifice their every being to the desires of her mother? I have boys. I'd love them to stay by my side forever, and they will always have a home with me, but I don't expect them to sacrifice their youth to me and my desire to have them living in the same street as me and take me out shopping every weekend! In fact, my Dbro does live 10 minutes from our mother and does take her shopping every weekend! I haven't lived less than an hour's drive away since I left home at 18!

What is there to give sympathy for here?! A third healthy baby? Good grief yes you’re right I feel awful for you, so sorry you’re having to deal with such a difficult thing.

Not all feelings are valid and you absolutely should have kept this to yourself. What do you want people to say? Poor you, you might have a 3rd boy and have to mourn the loss of the fantasy of having a daughter?? You need to be grateful to have a husband and children at all. Some people really can have it all and still want more. It’s pathetic.

I’m really sorry but you’ve assumed an awful lot there. I haven’t said any of that? I have I would love to continue little traditions that I have enjoyed with my mum, sister, grandmothers and auntie. I haven’t said I would force all these things onto them. Please stop putting words into my mouth!

My children, boys or girls, are allowed to be whoever they wish and do whatever they desire, hobbies etc. I simply would love to have a daughter and get to experience both genders.

My friend had five boys, and her grandchildren are nearly all boys as well! On the plus side, she is now 80 and her boys are wonderful in making sure she's OK.

Those are lovely traditions. But why can’t you do those things with your sons?

I was talking in general about the numerous posts on Mumsnet about gender disappointment, always about boys. But you are still assuming you cant take your sons ( including the ones already born) to afternoon tea.

I’d feel the same. Don’t feel guilty. You are only being honest.