Petrified at the thought of a third boy

[Tegah]

Im 5 weeks with our third baby, and whilst I’m so happy to be pregnant again, I’m also absolutely petrified. We already have 2 boys, who I adore, but they are bloody hard work and high energy. Since I’ve found out I’m pregnant, my thoughts have been consumed by fears of this being another boy which I feel awful about. At the same time, I cannot deny that I am desperate beyond words for a little girl. I have longed for a baby girl for a long time now and I think that now knowing this is our final baby (for many reasons but mainly financially, we live just outside London and house prices are crippling), it has dawned on me that this is my last chance. I know that many people will jump on this post and berate me for even having a preference with gender, and I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, which of course I am and I know I am lucky to even be having a third child. But I think it will take me a while to come to terms with having another boy, and never having that bond with a little girl that I so desperately want. How do I cope with gender disappointment if this is another boy? Please be kind.

My DS loves afternoon tea! We also go on walks together etc. I spend just as much quality time with him as I do my daughter (and he's very much a stereotypical boy, loves football etc.) Maybe you should find more ways to spend time with your boys op.

OP I have 2 sons that I have mostly raised alone.
DS2 goes to football with his mates now, but there were many years when we went together and it (along with other things obviously) made us really close.

I have many nieces and if I fancy seeing a musical or ballet that I know my sons won't enjoy I take one of them.

Many of my friends now have adult daughters and now and again they join us on evenings out (e.g. plays or cinema) and I truly enjoy my time with them, discussing issues that I don't talk about with my sons. That adult daughter relationship is probably the only thing that makes me a bit wistful about not having a daughter. Obviously there is no guarantee that a daughter would share my reading likes.

Her op states “since I’ve found out I’m pregnant my thoughts have been consumed by fears of this being another boy”. I take this to mean that she wasn’t feeling like this during the trying to get pregnant stage. If that is true then I would agree that this is unreasonable. OP has said herself that she thinks hormones and now actually being pregnant and knowing it’s her third are playing into how she feels and I can empathise with that.

Your comment is like saying “don’t complain about morning sickness, you had a chance to not have morning sickness by not getting pregnant” 🤣

Are you saying that if you had two girls, you would still want another girl?
Pregnancy seems a big risk to take, this is what I always find strange in the weekly gender disappointment threads.

I have two boys. And while I loved the early years and spending time with these unique people, I think that producing decent men at the end of the day is the hard part. I don't know yet (teenagers) if we will succeed. That is my worry about having boys.

I have one of each. My DS is a teen who loves football which he does mainly with his dad, a fellow football fan. He also loves watching films with me and baking cakes.

my daughter loves Barbie’s and crafty things. She also loves rugby unlike the boys and so trains with the local boys teams and plays weekly matches. She loves to be muddy, climb trees and be loud! She is much harder work than my DS but a brilliant little ball of energy.

I can’t imagine there is really any boy or girl who prefers every single thing that’s stereotypical to their gender and absolutely nothing else stereotypical to the other gender unless their parents have really reinforced those stereotypes. It’s sad you think you can’t carry on the spa days and afternoon tea tradition with your boys because they’re not the right gender for it.

I have 3 boys. They are a lot of work, high energy, rough and tumble - all the "boy" things, but lovely. You'll be fine and quickly get over any disappointment.
I've never done anything like go for afternoon tea with my mum because we're not close but DH does lots with his mum. A relationship is what you make it, not what sex they are.

Op I know you asked for kindness but with respect this is a very emotive topic for some people. Your feelings are valid but I do think you need to address them before you give birth (if you end up having another boy) as it’s so unfair to bring a child into the world with a sense of disappointment surrounding them. There’s nothing wrong with having a slight preference - I admit I hoped for a girl in my second pregnancy and luckily I got one. But I wouldn’t have been devastated or petrified if it had been another boy. I think it’s foolish to have another baby if you know you’re going to feel that way.

you can do some mental exercises on this by imagining taking your boy baby and swapping it for a girl at the hospital and other such scenarios. Mostly you realise at some point that more than anything else, you want the baby who is growing inside you.

Two things: Read "oh boy oh boy oh boy" by Karin Kasdin, if you can find it. I found it very helpful in confronting my sadness at the thought of never having a daughter - which is different from any disappointment in my 3 sons.

Second, imagine this scenario. You are in hospital and have just delivered your third son.
The woman next to you has just delivered her third daughter. Only the two of you and your respective partners are aware. She offers to swap babies - she gets her longed for boy, you get your longed for girl. Would you?

If not, you don't want a girl more than you want this baby, regardless of it's sex.

(Fwiw son 3 has a particular home in my heart, and has never been a disappointment in any way.)

My third is a girl. She is a complete tom boy who lives in football kits and is usually covered in mud. Not girly in the slightest, never really was.
I always pictures us doing girly type things together, but she's more interested in football. Still best mates and she is absolutely awesome.
Boy or girl, you'll be fine once baby is here.

DH and his brother quite often meet up with MIL (either separately or together) in a town equidistant for everyone (we all live in different places) to have a meal, see a play, go to museum etc. After a rocky start I also have developed a relationship with her so we can chat/do things together.

@Theboymolefoxandhorse , Your comment is like saying “don’t complain about morning sickness, you had a chance to not have morning sickness by not getting pregnant” 🤣 It's not the same. One's physical and the other is mental.
Your use of the emoji is insensitive.

I understand you perfectly, OP, and I would feel exactly the same.

FWIW, my MIL was in your shoes, and the third did turn out to be another boy. Although she had wanted a girl, the third boy turned out to be a pretty unique and wonderful character, and she wouldn't have swapped him for a girl once he was here, if such a thing was possible. It worked out well in the end, even though the third baby was them trying for a girl.

I also know other people who desperately wanted girls and had them, but it wasn't the cosy experience they had imagined, since they got girls all right - girls with mean, cold, selfish personalities.

While I totally get you, I do think it's the child's personality that over-rides things in the end.

But I wish you lots of luck in having a girl! Who could blame you for wanting a change?

P.S. I'm absolutely convinced that the Beckhams did IVF gender selection in the US to get Harper. I bet there's no way they'd have rolled the dice with a FOURTH pregnancy.

I only have a son and we've always gone for afternoon tea, nice meals, days out. It hasn't mattered that he has a penis.

I think its normal to have a bit of an image of what things will be like when your baby is born and that will probably involve thoughts on gender and perhaps even preferences.

You obviously know that your prefences are too strong and thats why you've chosen to seek advice. I think an anonymous platform like this should be a good place to vent these feelings and look for understanding and advice...sorry it hasn't been.

I struggled to conceive my second so was just happy to have a sibling for my first when it happenend but I am sure I will have had an image in my mind of what my family would look like when we first started trying.

I think it would be a good idea to find out the gender in your case and seek some (kinder) advice from a prefessionals if its still an issue. They will have come across this before and will be able to help. Hormones do crazy things to us and i am sure your baby is going to be loved and cared for whatever its gender.

There is an Instagram mum with 2 boys who talks about this...

Her handle is "Muddle through mummy"

She covers lots of topics but she does baking arts and crafts (bedazzing stuff etc...) with the boys.

Worth a look....

Its not logical but hard all the same...
You may find you like having " a gang" and the 3rd temperament may be very different...

I read this as you are 5 weeks and know it is a boy. You're not sure yet?

I would absolutely find with the early scan if possible. That way you will know either way.

I have 2 boys, that is it for me for many reasons. I am perfectly happy with 2 boys, but some small part of me wonders what a girl would be like.

From what you have said it sounds like you will be completely over the moon with a happy healthy baby, which we all know is the main thing. But I think it is also very usual to want to have a girl.

Other peoples experiences with their mums don't matter, yours sound lovely. Of course you'd like to replicate that.

My DS - now in his late teens- is more a mini me than my 22yo DD.
We have similar interests, I can take him to places that would get an eye roll from DD. We have funny & deep conversations as much as you can have them with a teenager!
I love both my DC as each adds a different value to my life.

I'm sure your boys & baby will offer you something of similar value that you can treasure for the rest of your life.

I don't think you should have bothered with a third if you're "petrified" of having a boy and that against it.

I understand you feelings. You will love your ( potential)third little boy without a doubt. However a lot of women like to have daughters . It doesn't mean we don't love our sons to bits .

My heart breaks for this baby if it is a boy.

@Sausageplait you might feel a bit second best if you found out your mum was petrified that you were a boy

@Sausageplait , you don't know that. Some don't get over the disappointment.

My boys are seriously laid back in comparison to their female relatives 😂 Yes they are high energy, but they are definitely more loving and although more bashy with each other they don’t hold grudges etc
My Mother always said she didn’t want a boy and was really horrified when she had one after two girls… it shaped their relationship and he’s always felt it from her which is why they are not close now.
Having a girl is no guarantee that they will be girlie or they will be any ‘nicer’ then another boy.
I think it would be normal to feel a little disappointed if you had a preference and the baby was a different sex, I personally didn’t care either way for any of mine.
The fact that you are ‘petrified’ makes me think it might be worth reaching out to someone to talk it through because you decided to have a 3rd child knowing that there was only a 50/50 chance of having the sex you want. If you knew that you only wanted a girl you should have stopped at 2 because having seen the damage it causes if you don’t, it’s not fair on the 3rd child at all.

It would have been preferable for you to examine these feelings before getting pregnant. It will be horribly distressing for your new baby if a boy to be such a disappointment to his mum.