Petrified at the thought of a third boy

[Tegah]

Im 5 weeks with our third baby, and whilst I’m so happy to be pregnant again, I’m also absolutely petrified. We already have 2 boys, who I adore, but they are bloody hard work and high energy. Since I’ve found out I’m pregnant, my thoughts have been consumed by fears of this being another boy which I feel awful about. At the same time, I cannot deny that I am desperate beyond words for a little girl. I have longed for a baby girl for a long time now and I think that now knowing this is our final baby (for many reasons but mainly financially, we live just outside London and house prices are crippling), it has dawned on me that this is my last chance. I know that many people will jump on this post and berate me for even having a preference with gender, and I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, which of course I am and I know I am lucky to even be having a third child. But I think it will take me a while to come to terms with having another boy, and never having that bond with a little girl that I so desperately want. How do I cope with gender disappointment if this is another boy? Please be kind.

The words people are putting into your mouth are your own...

"Petrified"
"Consumed by"
"Desperate beyond words"

So we're meant to be taking your words literally when you say "be kind" but not any of those words?

Just another perspective for you OP....

I don't have anything in common with my DM. She's in to shopping and fashion, dyeing her hair and reading magazines.

I can't stand all those things. I hate the colour pink (never liked it growing up - painted my room bright yellow). I love studying, my DM isn't at all academic. I play music instruments. DM clueless about music and playing instruments.

I'm delighted with my four DS aged 18, 15, 10 and 8. We all are bonded together through our love of playing music together. They're all lucky to be great at playing instruments (youngest only starting out but wants to copy his three older brothers!).

Watch this space - you'll have loads of fun with three boys if that's what you are destined to have.

Wishing you a healthy happy pregnancy whatever you have.

OP I have 3 children - all teenagers now but had 2 boys first. I had always envisaged having 3 children and imagined them to be girls so that dream obviously went out the window having 2 boys! I loved my boys to pieces but so desperately hoped for a little girl. It felt bad wishing that as of course every mum just wants a ‘healthy baby’. I admit I felt so nervous at the 20 week scan. I knew it would be my last baby and felt overwhelmed at the thought of being so outnumbered by the males in my house (even the cat was a boy 😆)

When I found out I was having a girl I could hardly believe it. I’m not going to lie and say my daughter didn’t feel like the missing jigsaw puzzle piece that completed our family.
She has been a very girly girl so we have enjoyed a lot of the ‘stereotypical’ experiences together.

However I do add this to be fair balance - she was always full of energy just as much as her brothers and never sat still to watch a movie - my dream of watching Disney films together went out the window! As she passed the toddler years older her mood swings became rather unpredictable and although she is super close to me - I end up being on the receiving end of any bad attitude! Also I’ve never had any issues with my boys with friendships etc - they seem to sail along and that side has been easy going but the dynamic with girls at school can be rather tricky! I’ve now got all the joys of puberty to deal with - not so fun!

If I am totally honest my favourite kid to spend 1 to 1 time with such as cafe visits is the eldest son as he is so chilled and laid back. Gender does not predict personality!

Try to enjoy the most of your last pregnancy and remember every child is a blessing. Even if it is another boy he could well be your best buddy ☺️

Your feelings are valid and it's ok to process your anxiety about having another boy. You will find out and then have to adjust to whatever you get and it will be ok . Grieve then enjoy the baby you have they have such unique personalities what ever sex. Be kind to yourself pregnancy hormones are wild.

I posted a reply earlier OP I hope I wasnt too harsh, I didn’t mean to be and just tried to put across my opinion as a mum of both genders.

I remember one of the first times I posted on MN about my worries of staying in a villa with a pool with a toddler and I was absolutely flamed and basically told I was all but guaranteed that my toddler would drown - I was suffering anxiety following back to back pregnancy losses and the response I got here literally drove me to therapy I was so petrified to go on that holiday and my only baby at the time would die. Your feelings are valid - look after yourself, pregnancy is such a difficult time with raging hormones, I am sure you will adore your baby no matter want and the wish to have a daughter is perfectly natural.

Afternoon tea with my mum😂😂🤣

Nope, think that's a mum/daughter stereotype, it's not a reality for others like myself. I just have no interest in anything like this.

Goodness me, kinship with other females, how rude you are!

The response about stereo types is because you were very stereotypical in your post. Girly shopping, spa and afternoon teas.

You a very disingenuous later in your posts to suddenly decide that this is about having ‘3 boys under 3’ and nothing to do with having a girl.

Are 2 boys and a girl going to be any more difficult? If you think so why?

If this is really about ‘3 under 3’ why did you not ask that in the first place? Three babies, three years apart isn't going to have any bearing on whether your children will want afternoon tea or not!

It isn’t close-minded to object to attitudes rooted in tired and harmful stereotypes. Obviously, you can feel however you want and believe anything you choose. But other people can disagree and offer different perspectives.

I also fundamentally disagree with the premise that we are helpless before our emotions and that everything we feel is equally valid. On the contrary, some feelings absolutely should be rejected.

@Theboymolefoxandhorse these threads pop up on MN all the time. Women who are pregnant, and it’s as if they’ve suddenly woken up and realised that the baby might not be the sex they want (almost always a girl). And they ask MN for advice on how to cope with the horrible possibility that the child they chose to conceive might not be to their taste. They flipped a coin, wanting it to land on heads, and while it’s in the air they’re asking MN how they’ll cope if it lands on tails.

I think it’s useful to ask the question - why did you choose to take this course of action if there was a 50-50 chance of deep disappointment. Maybe it’ll make other people think twice before they take the same chance.

That is quite simply not true. Males and females have different bone structure, muscle mass and lung capacity but energy? How would you even measure that?

Girls are generally socialised to be quieter and calmer.

The best way to deal with panicking about something that might not even be happening is to clarify your reality. Take a test, you can find out the sex from 6 weeks. Then look at how lucky you are if you can afford to stay home and raise 3 children, and think about how ridiculous stereotyping interests or activities is. Unless there are sex-based health concerns?

You respond to each child as an individual; you can't plan with certainty for any particular hobbies or activities. You said your other children are both toddlers, so you don't even know what they'll enjoy yet or what personalities they'll have, let alone a child that isn't even born yet.

The main difference I've noticed through working with children, is that girls often struggle more with social and emotional issues. They seem to be less close to mum when they're younger, and things get difficult for them in later childhood, and mums report more difficulties. Other than that, hobbies, interests, energy levels etc, all vary between individuals regardless of their sex.

I agree with you that statistically yes, most boys are likely to be more into football & other sports than dance. Mainly, I suspect, because they are never taken anywhere near anything to do with it. Their parents (dads in particular) will avoid it like the plague and actively discourage any interest shown by their sons.

Anecdotally... my friend's DDs did ballet so she had to take her toddler DS along. He used to get up out of his buggy and watch. He then started copying what they were doing. No prizes for guessing which one of my friend's children is now a dancer with the Royal Ballet. 😁

Oh yes, of course, and believe it or not I have B/G twins and of course it is my boy who did ballet, DD thought it was boring 😂

I’m just rolling my eyes at all the posts implying that because the poster doesn’t have a typical relation with their mum or daughter it means that there is zero difference between having a boy and girl.

@Tegah I hope you get your baby girl. I was convinced DS was a girl until my 20 week scan. 😅 He's going to be an only child, so this is it for me, and I was just happy he was healthy. He's nearly 15 months old now, and running me ragged!

Interestingly reading this whilst my girl is playing football which she is good at. You might not get a stereotypical girl and she might just be like another boy.

You can do that with a son.

Hi @Tegah thank you for posting your question, my sister is in the same position are you are / were in and I have shared some replies with her, which she is finding reassuring. Have you found out the sex of your baby?