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AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

516 replies

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 15:45

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

OP posts:
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Moonlightbean123 · 13/09/2025 17:36

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 13/09/2025 15:50

So she voiced an opinion about a colour, and bought a really decent car seat for your baby, that she's happy to keep and have in her car anyway if you want to buy your own.

Honestly, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

She hasn't robbed you of anything.

I get setting boundries if she's overbearing, but this just seems like you're actively seeking reasons to assert yourself for the sake of it.

You are for the mil in question! Yes she has crossed lines. Shes not listening and doing as she wants. Shes had her time as a parent , its not her baby. And no it doesn't seem as if op is seeking reasons to assert herself , a reasonable person doesn't act like the mil is. Give them the cash if you're happy to pay for stuff and let them pick their own car seat!!

BluntPlumHam · 13/09/2025 17:36

Picking accessories for your baby is the fun part so I understand your frustration to be honest. If I was MIL I’d gift you the money to buy the one you want or a voucher etc

You need to make up with her though she does sound excited and wants to be a part of the whole baby planning/purchase. Be kind and involve her a bit because there are countless threads in here with grandparents not giving a shit and you sound like you’ve got the opposite.

dilemma2516 · 13/09/2025 17:37

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TizerorFizz · 13/09/2025 17:38

I always had a fixed car seat and lifted dc out. Too heavy to keep lugging the seat out when they grow bigger!

She’s obviously not happy - Christmas will be interesting when a present from her robs you of a shopping opportunity. I’d have been grateful for a decent car seat - as long as it met regulations !

WFHforevermore · 13/09/2025 17:39

I wish there was a way of giving first time mums insight into life with kids.

Be grateful and stop moaning.

"Check every spec" do me a favor. Its a car seat, they dont sell stuff that itsnt suitable or legal.

AngelicKaty · 13/09/2025 17:39

EasySqueezy · 13/09/2025 17:21

She is probably hurt and I don't blame her. Mother in Laws often can't do right for wrong. You sound a spoilt brat.

That's just nasty. This woman's own son (OP's DH) knows she can be opinionated and overbearing - she even challenged OP's choice of pram colour for heaven's sake (calling blue "common" and black "boring") - WTF does it have to do with her?! As a pp wrote, this is controlling behaviour disguised as generosity. If OP's MIL really wanted to be generous she could have simply offered to pay for whichever car seat OP and her DH choose once they've been to look at their short-list. Instead, she's trying to force her choice on them. She's out of order and OP is neither "spoilt" or a "brat". Her MIL, on the other hand, is a sulker when she doesn't get her own way. Too bad - it's not her baby.

LivingTheDreamish · 13/09/2025 17:40

You are completely justified in your feelings about this OP. Fortunately you have a DH who knows how to handle his mother. Just keep doing things your way and don’t let it spoil such a happy time.

The only area I would be more lenient on is private school. If she is paying for this it is a big deal and I would tolerate her input although the final school choice should obvs be one you are happy with. But presumably that is a (somewhat) future problem.

sonjadog · 13/09/2025 17:40

She is ignoring you now because her feelings were hurt when you said no to the car seat. Rejection hurts, even if it is deserved and feelings aren't always logical. You will get your experience of buying a car seat so you don't have to do anything now. You can't control what people feel or how long they feel it for. Just leave her alone to get over how she feels and she will be back.

WFHforevermore · 13/09/2025 17:41

This place makes me dread having a DIL, it really does.

theresbeautyinwindysun · 13/09/2025 17:42

Wow. So many people have mothers in law who are not interested in their babies. I cannot even imagine with a huge stretch feeling as petty and over privileged as you do about this gesture.

StacieBenson · 13/09/2025 17:42

Some of these responses are really unkind. A car seat is a life saving device. They're not an ugly outfit where you can just say "thank you very much", roll your eyes and chuck it in a drawer. How on earth does anyone here know it's suitable?

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 17:42

Readyforslippers · 13/09/2025 16:25

As shes said she'll keep it for her car I'd just let it go now, she'll come round. She just got excited and thought she was doing something nice. It's much easier if she has her own rather than faffing with transferring seats.

Also, when you go to your appointment, I reccommend checking out the lie flat car seats, they are extra safe and much better for baby's breathing so they can be used for longer as needed.

Thanks for the tip, I saw that suggestion on youtube videos also, babies seem more comfortable in the flat ones.

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 13/09/2025 17:43

meercat23 · 13/09/2025 17:31

When my first was born umptynine years ago my arents said they wanted to buy the pram, told me to choose which one I wanted and then paid for it.

When my DD and DS had their first I wanted to follow the 'tradition' and asked to be allowed to pay for the prams. My DD asked me to go with her to choose and I paid, my DS and DiL chose and I gave them the money. I got the joy of being involved asnd helping them with costs but the choice was theirs.

This is exactly how it should be done - the way any normal, supportive, kind, generous grand-parents would do it. 💜

GreenCandleWax · 13/09/2025 17:44

I'm with you on this OP, and can't really understand why so many are dismissive of how you feel about this. She is being massively controlling, that favourite word on MN, as she is imposing her choices on you. Your DH did exactly the right thing. She by "not speaking" to him since is showing that she is petulant and unreasonable. She is very invested in your child already, but she needs to get the message loud and clear that it is your (joint with DH)'s way or the highway with the child. She needs to respect you as parents. The signs are not good, but stick to your guns about what you want for DC. Don't appease the childish not speaking behaviour. If you act normally she will have to come round if she wants to see DH or your DC. Don't let her spoil this special time for you.🌺

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 13/09/2025 17:44

Where has she got the idea that this baby will be going in her car and sleeping in her house? Nip that in the bud.

DriveVerySlowlyPastNumber23IWantThemToSeeMyHat · 13/09/2025 17:46

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Miffylou · 13/09/2025 17:48

WFHforevermore · 13/09/2025 17:39

I wish there was a way of giving first time mums insight into life with kids.

Be grateful and stop moaning.

"Check every spec" do me a favor. Its a car seat, they dont sell stuff that itsnt suitable or legal.

You’re being naive. Some have much better reviews than others.

UserUserUser12 · 13/09/2025 17:48

Taztoy · 13/09/2025 16:08

I wish that was my only problem in life. Robbed of the experience of buying a car seat.

why not wait til you’ve seen it? Why not get the name and make she’s bought and see if it goes with your pram before you dismiss it?

If she’s huffing with your husband, why are you so bothered anyway? Leave him to sort their relationship out?

Did she say it was her only problem in life?

Sagaris · 13/09/2025 17:50

Just out of interest - which car seat did MIL buy, do you know?

Miffylou · 13/09/2025 17:50

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What a silly and unnecessary comment. By that metric every single problem shared on MN is not worth worrying about if it doesn’t involve murder. But I take it it means you’ll never complain about anything again, so no doubt your family will be grateful.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 13/09/2025 17:50

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Your comment is absolutely uncalled for and not even in the ball park. Christ on a bike. 🤦‍♀️

SL2924 · 13/09/2025 17:53

You sound very precious. I feel sorry for your MIL. “The experience of buying a car seat”?! Ffs you need to get a life. Why not just take it in the spirit it’s meant- a gift and a help. Rather than making problems. It’s like the new mum equivalent of a bridezilla.

DriveVerySlowlyPastNumber23IWantThemToSeeMyHat · 13/09/2025 17:54

Miffylou · 13/09/2025 17:50

What a silly and unnecessary comment. By that metric every single problem shared on MN is not worth worrying about if it doesn’t involve murder. But I take it it means you’ll never complain about anything again, so no doubt your family will be grateful.

A silly comment? Hardly.

nhsmanagersanonymous · 13/09/2025 17:54

Oh get over yourself, she’s jus5 excited about the baby. If you maybe tried to share the experience with her instead of gatekeeping your ‘experience’ then this wouldn’t happen.

nosleepforme · 13/09/2025 17:58

Sorry but I find it ew that she had a full kitted nursery by the time you were 12 weeks. Barf! That’s way too overbearing