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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

516 replies

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 15:45

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

OP posts:
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LittleBearPad · 13/09/2025 16:28

SeriouslyStressed · 13/09/2025 16:25

You can buy adapters to fit practically any seat to every brand of pram/chassis

I don’t think that matters. Why has something you don’t want because MIL has got over excited

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:28

londongirl12 · 13/09/2025 16:25

I really don’t understand some people on here Op. she ignored what you said and went ahead and bought a car seat. That would have pissed me off too! She’s not listening to what you’re saying. Well done for having a DH that actually says things to him DM!!

Thank you!! Dh knows her behaviour very, very well and knows she is overbearing and should be told when she’s overstepping otherwise she’ll be uncontrollable.

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Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:32

Sunnyscribe · 13/09/2025 16:07

You're husband sounds really supportive, and he basically already told her to back off in his response I would leave it there.

I'd also be annoyed about this as well. It's not her job, she's overstepping, but I think your husband dealt with it well.

Thank you. Yes he knows how to handle her to be fair!

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Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:33

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/09/2025 16:11

Sounds like you have a very lucky baby who is loved very much.

Oh there is no doubt with this one hehe

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StacieBenson · 13/09/2025 16:35

I get it OP. I think MIL has overstepped.

Just on the car seat, some of the expensive ones actually aren't that longlasting/stringently tested. I would definitely do your own research about the seat MIL has bought and make sure you're happy with it.

Straightomyhead · 13/09/2025 16:38

I totally get where you’re coming from. Sometimes I find the most exciting part of shopping is choosing form the options and you don’t want this part of choosing and researching taken away from you. i have no real advice but can feel your frustration

spoonbillstretford · 13/09/2025 16:40

Perhaps she could keep the car seat for when they baby sit and you choose your own.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:41

cheerfulaf · 13/09/2025 16:19

I agree, completely get why you’re feeling the way you do OP

We had lots of gifts from parents, one being our car seat, not one person just went out and bought what THEY liked, that’s not the point in a gift is it? Also a car seat is a serious thing to buy for any new parent due to the safety concerns, it’s a mad purchase for her to make

glad your other half is being supportive, you can see exactly the direction this is going in so good he’s on top of it

This! Thank you. When she bought lots of cashmere baby wear I said thank you. When i saw she has a fully kitted out nursery in her house when I was just 12 weeks back then, i said thank you that’s very kind. However for things like pram or car seat, we will be making the decision. And it’s not like it was done innocently cause she knows we have an appointment to check out our short list! I also honestly do think she went ahead because of the pram issue when she didn’t agree with the colours I was considering. She thought she’ll just purchase the car seat she thinks looks cute and we will be obliged to accept.

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PlantsAndSpaniels · 13/09/2025 16:45

My mum did this with a pram the weekend after I told her I was pregnant. Still not sure whether it was one meant for us or to be kept at her house. It never got used. Normally with carseats, you'd use an infant carrier and just leave it with whoever is looking after baby so pointless having her own isnt it?

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:47

FuzzyWolf · 13/09/2025 16:07

So she has kitted out her house for the baby. Weird but not uncommon. Why is it that the car seat, which she is using in her car (so may never even get used) is such an issue?

We have no issue with her keeping the car seat if safe for use. It’s really her choice. I don’t see the point you’re trying to make? My concern was that she’s been ignoring my husband since so clearly she’s not happy about the outcome.

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redfishcat · 13/09/2025 16:47

If I had my time again, I’d be much tougher much sooner.
It’s really hard to explain just how much the small things do matter.
I wish I’d had mumsnet to advise me back in the day and to point out that the grandparents had their turn and it’s our turn now.
I wish you and your husband and new baby all the very best in negotiating this stage.

JuniperandI · 13/09/2025 16:49

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:26

Yes! And i feel like if she really wanted to be generous she could have waited for us to make our choices and then buy one from the baby list she knows we’re making. To me it’s a controlling behaviour disguised as generosity.

"Controlling behaviour described as generosity" is the perfect way to describe it. MILs can be the worst and often do NOT know best!

LlamaNoDrama · 13/09/2025 16:49

No one should be buying your baby expensive equipment without checking with you first. What if it isn't suitable for your car or you need a seat compatible with the pushchair system for example.

i suspect if you'd posted this a different day you'd have had totally different responses!

Rosesanddaffs · 13/09/2025 16:50

@Ivf4203 I agree with you, it’s your baby and your choice which items you want.

She should have checked with you before she paid so much money.

My mil got us a sack of clothes despite us requesting no buying anything until our baby was here.

She completely ignored our request and dumped a sack full of clothes and other stuff around ours months before she was born.

This was just the beginning of things to come. Your baby, your rules, you are not being ungrateful xx

MaurineWayBack · 13/09/2025 16:50

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:26

Yes! And i feel like if she really wanted to be generous she could have waited for us to make our choices and then buy one from the baby list she knows we’re making. To me it’s a controlling behaviour disguised as generosity.

That’s because it is.
And that’s also why she is now having a tantrum over being told NO. And refuses to talk to your dh.
If she was genuinely wanting to help you, she wouldn’t be sulking now.

Plus your dh knows her. If HE says it’s essential to stol her before she is gettimg out of control, then following his lead sounds like a good idea too.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:51

PlantsAndSpaniels · 13/09/2025 16:45

My mum did this with a pram the weekend after I told her I was pregnant. Still not sure whether it was one meant for us or to be kept at her house. It never got used. Normally with carseats, you'd use an infant carrier and just leave it with whoever is looking after baby so pointless having her own isnt it?

Yes I also don’t see the point but it’s her money so she can obviously do what she wants. My husband said she behaves like this when she doesnt get what she wants but will soon snap out of it hopefully!

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RidingMyBike · 13/09/2025 16:54

My Mum did this, only with a booster seat which she proudly bought and said the man in Halfords had recommended it! I put my foot down and it’s never been used. I was furious with her for not asking advice or whether we wanted it before she went ahead and bought it. We’re doing rear facing for as long as possible, then a high-backed booster seat as it’s safer, more comfortable for DD and makes sure the seat belt is in the right place. I don’t think she realised Halfords has a bad reputation for car seat advice.

We also found when buying the first baby car seat that not all would fit in our car, so it really did need to be something we went and chose and got checked with the car.

MumOryLane · 13/09/2025 16:56

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:04

Excuse me what made you say he berated his mum? He was very polite, said thank you however we will go to the shop as planned and choose there. That if she wants she can return it. She refused so he said ok. He then explained as first time parents we want to choose everything especially a car seat that we need to make sure is safe for baby. He was never rude to him.

Edited

Every bit of this message is rude and ungrateful. I think you sound awful, looking opportunities to force his family out. But then you gave a massive drip feed when you were being called out to make yourself look better so I couldn't be bothered reading any further

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:57

redfishcat · 13/09/2025 16:47

If I had my time again, I’d be much tougher much sooner.
It’s really hard to explain just how much the small things do matter.
I wish I’d had mumsnet to advise me back in the day and to point out that the grandparents had their turn and it’s our turn now.
I wish you and your husband and new baby all the very best in negotiating this stage.

Thank you and exactly!! I feel like my husband and I need to keep in her lane and set boundaries as early as possible otherwise it will just be more difficult to manage later. Mumsnet is great but can also be harsh as seen in the initial replies. Lol x

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Nodecaffallowed · 13/09/2025 16:58

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

dynamiccactus · 13/09/2025 16:58

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 15:55

Yes and my parents will ask first before buying tbh.

Hmmmm I think you will find they don't. Both sets of grandparents bought things ds didn't necessarily need when he was younger. They certainly didn't consult us over every present and purchase!

MumOryLane · 13/09/2025 16:58

Before I pop off, the polite thing to do was say thankyou. And if you were ovely exercised say how about you keep it at yours? Or take it and exchange it for the one you want.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 17:02

MumOryLane · 13/09/2025 16:56

Every bit of this message is rude and ungrateful. I think you sound awful, looking opportunities to force his family out. But then you gave a massive drip feed when you were being called out to make yourself look better so I couldn't be bothered reading any further

It’s fine to have differing opinions, that’s what forums are about however there is no need to call someone awful if don’t agree with them or see things from their perspective. Thanks for taking the time to reply however.

OP posts:
Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 17:03

MumOryLane · 13/09/2025 16:58

Before I pop off, the polite thing to do was say thankyou. And if you were ovely exercised say how about you keep it at yours? Or take it and exchange it for the one you want.

That’s exactly what we did, said thank you however we already have plans. I think there has been a flurry of replies so you may have missed it but that’s exactly what we did. But no we didn’t offer to lie and pretend to keep it to keep her happy.

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AngelicKaty · 13/09/2025 17:04

@Ivf4203 YANBU OP and I feel sorry for you and your DH having to establish and continually reinforce boundaries with his DM (she's behaving like she's the parent!) - that must be very wearing, particularly given baby isn't even born yet! What she's done isn't generous. It isn't even generosity of spirit. She just wants to get her way about your baby. Knowing that you already had an appointment to check out car seats, if she'd really wanted to be generous, she could have simply offered to pay for whichever car seat you chose.
I suggest your DH leave well alone now and you enjoy your weekend together. Let's face it, she'll crack eventually - there's no way she's not going to be involved with your baby (even if you sometimes wish she wasn't!). Good luck OP. 😊