AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

[Ivf4203]

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

You're husband sounds really supportive, and he basically already told her to back off in his response I would leave it there.

I'd also be annoyed about this as well. It's not her job, she's overstepping, but I think your husband dealt with it well.

I wish that was my only problem in life. Robbed of the experience of buying a car seat.

why not wait til you’ve seen it? Why not get the name and make she’s bought and see if it goes with your pram before you dismiss it?

If she’s huffing with your husband, why are you so bothered anyway? Leave him to sort their relationship out?

Unfortunately when it comes to infant and baby car seats the best ones are currently some of the most expensives & they’ll use it for 6-12 months max (shorter if you have a chubby baby) Don’t cut your nose to spite your face. Say thank you and take it.

I can’t believe so many are not supporting you here. She is being overbearing and your baby isn’t here yet. This isn’t about a pram or a car seat, it’s about her not listening to you. The whole ‘she’s generous, just accept it’ is bullshit. How much do you accept just because she is pretending to be nice.

Tell her thanks for the offer, but you want to check out car seats in your own time. She’s welcome to chip in if she wants to, but you don’t have to accept anything she chooses.

Sounds like you have a very lucky baby who is loved very much.

Yes it’s the fact she knows we’re going and that we’re very excited and we have a short list of brands to test out. Thanks for looking at it from my perspective!

If she's bought one of those brands though, happy days. It saves you some money.

I'd definitely at least check it out.

Define “best”?

We had very specific requirements for a car seat, I have no idea if it was “best on the market” or “top of the range” but it ticked all the boxes we needed it to. I wouldn’t have accepted anything other one of it didn’t meet our spec.

Thank you so much. ♥️ And now she’s guilt tripping my husband which is so frustrating.

She is overstepping. You said you were choosing and she went ahead and chose for you. You are right to set boundaries.

Seems not everyone has a MIL who is overbearing and makes decisions she shouldn’t. But on the surface seem normal and even kind.

I understand exactly why you are so cross and can only advise a really tough talk led by her son your husband, that this baby is yours, and it is for you and your husband, the babies father to choose things. All the things. Clothes, cot, how the baby is fed, when weaning happens, when chocolate is allowed and so on.

Do it now, before baby is here and remind her who the babies parent are.
And remind her that she is only in your family’s life if she actually respects you.

We put up for far too long with this interfering, and the very low contact twice a year visits are bliss

She said it’s the best accdg to the shop assistant. But not sure what that means either?! When this is all over, I would have to check and make sure it’s appropriate for baby.

Why don’t you ask her what make and model it is before you dismiss it out of hand?

Thank you and that’s exactly what we did however now she’s guilt tripping hubby. I hope she snaps out of it soon as I strongly believe we have nothing to apologise for.

I agree, completely get why you’re feeling the way you do OP

We had lots of gifts from parents, one being our car seat, not one person just went out and bought what THEY liked, that’s not the point in a gift is it? Also a car seat is a serious thing to buy for any new parent due to the safety concerns, it’s a mad purchase for her to make

glad your other half is being supportive, you can see exactly the direction this is going in so good he’s on top of it

This is exactly what I’m concerned about as the last time we saw her she was already talking about which private school child will go to, as if she’s the decision maker because she’s offering to pay. It’s hard to explain to people as I know it’s generous but her paying doesn’t mean she makes the decisions for us. We are the parents and we need to be consulted on anything that invoves our child.

I really would like her to be in child’s life but it looks like it’s gonna be a very difficult one to navigate as she’s very opinionated, the one who wouldn’t respect someone else’s if it’s different to hers! It’s a really tough one.

My MIL was like this with our first DC but she would check big purchases (although not large toys!), babies are expensive if it is a safe car seat, I would just accept and pick your battles. But I do see where you are coming from.

I would be annoyed by this too. She could have offered to pay for a car seat you chose. My in laws got our pram, they said pick whatever you like and we pay for it.

Edit to add - it's an expensive purchase and they have different features (spinning, isofix, travel system compatibility etc) that you will be using every day so not really something that makes a good gift in my view.

Your husband is also her son and I imagine that they have their own relationship which would be separate from the one she has with you as a couple so if she feels to ignore him that is her business

Because this was my MIL. She didn’t decorate because they lived about four hundred miles away when my eldest was tiny. But that first Christmas we travelled up for a ten day stay she had bought enough clothes to fill a full size four drawer chest of drawers. She asked what we wanted to do about a high chair and I said either the same as we had at home, a very basic one from mothercare or the antilop from IKEA as both easy to clean, comfortable and easy to store. She bought a huge thing from mamas and papas because it was top of the range. It was so bulky he couldn’t get properly tucked in at the table. The tray was almost impossible to attach without risking losing a fingertip and it was impossible to keep clean.

You can buy adapters to fit practically any seat to every brand of pram/chassis

As shes said she'll keep it for her car I'd just let it go now, she'll come round. She just got excited and thought she was doing something nice. It's much easier if she has her own rather than faffing with transferring seats.

Also, when you go to your appointment, I reccommend checking out the lie flat car seats, they are extra safe and much better for baby's breathing so they can be used for longer as needed.

I really don’t understand some people on here Op. she ignored what you said and went ahead and bought a car seat. That would have pissed me off too! She’s not listening to what you’re saying. Well done for having a DH that actually says things to him DM!!

Yes! And i feel like if she really wanted to be generous she could have waited for us to make our choices and then buy one from the baby list she knows we’re making. To me it’s a controlling behaviour disguised as generosity.

Right, so going by your user name I’m guessing this is a long awaited baby? Been there, done that! Lots and lots of IVF to get our one, perfect baby, eventually.

If my assumptions are correct then of course you want to experience as much as possible, but so do your families. It’s not a bad thing that there is a lady, who will love and cherish your baby. Who wants to provide things and has just maybe gone about it the wrong way?! Black prams are boring! She’s just expressed her opinion! She’s made a room in her house a dedicated room for your baby should she be lucky enough to be able to look after baby - lucky baby! Yes, they over step sometimes and so will your parents (which I can guarantee you’ll see differently from when MIL does!) but pick your battles - this isn’t one of them! You’re still getting to pick, no one has taken anything from you.