AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

[Ivf4203]

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

You mean like what you do about the ugly lamp you received for Christmas?
You do a big smile, and then give it to charity or leave it at the bottom of your cupboard?

You realise that the MIL would realise her car seat isn’t used? And it would be even worse?

For me, the type of attitude you think is great smacks of hypocrisy

I am trying to imagine how dull my life would be if I thought going to choose a car seat was ‘an experience’.

Fair enough to be annoyed because you, as a parent, want and need to choose the specs - that, and a car seat is part of the travel system, so being lumped with the wrong one doesn't help anyone. They are not all compatible with your buggy!

You are being ridiculous about being robbed about "the experience". It's a car seat, what kind of experience do you think shopping is? 😂

wait until they hear about the "nappy bin" 😂

Agree 100% with every word!!! Thank you ❤️

I would have just looked in to it and if happy with safety and type then I’d just accept it happily. Babies are expensive and if she wants to pay for stuff just accept I would just take the win and put that money towards a better pram or something.

If I didn’t want it for a valid reason and she didn’t want to swap for one that I’d use, I’d probably say no point in wasting your money on an expensive car seat for your car DMIL, it’s extremely unlikely that you’ll need one before she grows out of it. It’s up to you though.

I think you’re making too big a deal of seeing picking individual things as an ‘experience’, and your DHs responses is obviously going to annoy his mum

I agree with you and disagree with those saying you should just be grateful. Your MIL is doing this for herself, not for you and your DH. If she’d just wanted to help you she could have said "Let me know which car seat you’d like and I’d love to buy it for you", particularly as you’d already told her you wanted to look at them in the shop. "Most expensive" doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the one you would have chosen or the one most recommended by e.g. Which (and of course the shop assistant would tell her the most expensive one was the best!)

I wouldn't dream of buying big stuff like this for my grandchildren without consulting their parents - and their mother is my daughter (with whom I have a great relationship), not my DIL.

This is your baby, not hers. She presumably chose what she wanted for her own children and now it’s your turn.

I think it’s great that your DH is sticking up for you and telling his DM to wind her neck in. I don’t think you or he have anything to apologise for. Having said that, I suppose it might be an idea to check what model of car seat it is, just in case you would have ended up buying that model anyway, which woukd be awkward.

It’s worth taking a stand now or you'll have lots of problems in the future, e,g. she'll be buying the baby's highchair or playmat or coat or shoes rather than letting you choose them. IMO it would be fine for your DH to contact her once more and say "Come on Mum, let’s not fall out over this. It was very generous of you to buy the car seat but we would like the pleasure of choosing exactly what we want for our baby. I expect you felt the same about me when I was a baby." Then leave it up to her. I doubt if she'll hold out for long.

Is there a FIL? If so, and if he might be more reasonable, perhaps your DH could talk to him.

@Racheloates
my heart hurts for what you have been through

but until you have experienced this kind of generous kind total bullying bulldozing from a family member who totally ignores your views, thoughts, wants and even colour choices all the time, you won’t understand what @Ivf4203 is trying to deal with.

i used to sound bonkers trying to explain to colleagues who had normal grandparents just how furious I was cos we had been gifted a new bicycle/dolls house/scooter or winter boots.
we, my husband and I wanted to get these things for our kids.

’the ugly lamp you received for Christmas’ that made me chuckle! 😂

How ungrateful you sound.

Honestly, I'd be careful of your attitude, OP.

A lot of people would chew their arm off to have parents or in-laws so excited and wanting to get involved in caring for their grandchildren. Some don't have that at all-and have parents who either can't take care of or aren't interested in doing so.

If you keep up with this attitude, you run the risk of being back here in a year's time, moaning that your MIL won't provide childcare for you and isn't interested in your baby. And honestly-with an attitude like yours-you'd deserve it.

It sounds like she is excited and wants to be involved. Maybe take it as a blessing, and not the curse you're trying to make it out to be. Fine if you don't want the carseat-but there was no malice or ill intent when she bought it. She's trying to help.

I'd be annoyed too, it's not so much the experience but I had spent time researching what would be beneficial from a car seat for us and our needs.
When we were having our first the grandparents jointly wanted to buy the pram and car seat.
I wasn't going to have a car so I was very uninterested in a travel system. I did not want a infant car seat that was going to be out grown quickly. We jointly decided on a spin seat that was suitable from birth and rear faced to 104 cm.

The car seat and the trip to buy your own is a red herring. She's taking away your autonomy, putting her opinions and thoughts ahead of yours and believes that because she's putting her hand in her pocket you have to sit and put up with it

OP, as grandparents, I do understand where you are coming from. You want to choose your own things. Instead of buying things, we gave our children some money so that they can buy their own things for the baby. That is really easy for us because we hate shopping. As we look after our grandchildren, we have bought car seats for our car but did this after a discussion with our children.

Exactly! I want to be able to check every spec particularly as it’s something for safety. And as many pp’s pointed out, she could have waited for what we decide on and buy it if she really wanted to gift us with a car seat. Well done for keeping your foot down!!

There's no need to be snarky. It's OP's first baby - everything will be an exciting "experience" for her and her DH (just as it should be if OP's username is anything to go by).

She is probably hurt and I don't blame her. Mother in Laws often can't do right for wrong. You sound a spoilt brat.

Thank you!! And this is what my parents are doing too. They gave us money to spend towards the baby list.

I have a mil that started like this. People who jump in to defend just haven't experienced it. It's super hard to navigate this phase of your life anyway without a grandparent making every interaction a potential conflict and ending up walking on eggshells incase something offends.

She knew you wanted to choose a car seat and went against that and is now making more drama by ignoring you even though your husband was polite. My advice would be to buckle up and accept she's probably going to be tricky but do your best to speak up clearly and politely then just let any drama she has about it wash over you (easier said then done).

Someone that does a nursery for their grandchild at 12 weeks is NEVER going to be chilled out 😂 so don't try and make that happen!

Also, if you can't afford private school yourself, don't send them. It is not worth it. Find a good state school.

Good luck!

OP is hurt too! It's hurtful when someone ignores your wishes and then punishes you with silent treatment for politely declining something she knew they didn't want. It's not a gift if you know someone is looking forward to choosing it, even if you think it's silly, she knew!

What next, does she get to choose the babies first outfit? First birthday cake? First haircut?

I found everything to do with the preparation for the birth of my first child an exciting experience.

Thank you. Mumsnet can sometimes be harsh but majority are very supportive just like you! I’m not expecting everyone to agree with me however appreciate users who express their opinions without belittling others or being unkind.

When my first was born umptynine years ago my arents said they wanted to buy the pram, told me to choose which one I wanted and then paid for it.

When my DD and DS had their first I wanted to follow the 'tradition' and asked to be allowed to pay for the prams. My DD asked me to go with her to choose and I paid, my DS and DiL chose and I gave them the money. I got the joy of being involved asnd helping them with costs but the choice was theirs.

No she doesn’t. MIL sounds like an overbearing woman who is over-invested and wants to treat the baby as her own baby, and needs to wind her neck in. If she’d really just wanted to help she would have offered to pay for whichever seat OP wanted rather than making the choice herself.

It's a bit overbearing. With my DILs and sons we just said choose your pram system and we'll pay. They chose the ones they liked and fitted into their vehicles best.

We went to a shop and had the right baby seat fitted for our car. They did the same for their car.

In future take MIL along together with her wallet. You choose she pays. Saves a lot of misunderstandings

I think the school fees situation needs thought and attention more than the car seat! Reception Enrolment will be on you before you know it. If you accept that gift it is likely going to come with some huge strings attached. I'd be thinking long and hard as to whether you really want to accept that gift...