AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

[Ivf4203]

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

Your MIL is being a bit of an arse here. It's understandable that she's excited, a new grandchild is a massive event in anyone's life, but it's nowhere near as exciting as the first baby for new parents. What normal people do is share in that excitement by taking the lead from those new parents and working with them to find out what they want and then either buying it for them or transferring the money. They don't then go in the huff and refuse to speak to their family because they've bought something that wasn't wanted.

Stand your ground OP - and I would really recommend that if she continues acting like a spoiled child then you use paid childcare when you go back to work.

@SL2924 @nhsmanagersanonymous It's like neither of you have read OP's opening post.

You’re being ridiculous OP. It’s a car seat. They’re dull as anything. As long as it’s safe - and it sounds like she’s not just fine for the cheapest out there, then just accept it graciously. Most people would bite their arm off for a free car seat, just think of all the cute baby clothes you can buy with the money you’ve saved.

I would be taken aback if someone bought a big or significant item for my child without asking me. This isn't clothes or a blanket - it has to do with safety. There is no reason she couldn't have rung you from the shop before making the purchase. It's not about the money; she shouldn't be making those kinds of decisions without running them past you. It's a red flag IMO. Is she going to give your child medication without telling you? She may be well meaning, but she needs to respect you as parents. She already had her turn.

It doesn’t have to be that way. It really depends on you mostly. My daughters both have lovely, kind, wonderful MILs who they love dearly. Just be kind to any future DIL and understand that you will not be involved in most decisions your Son and DIL make.

If she is happy just for the seat she has got to be used in her car then not sure exactly what the big issue is. I might be a bit meh or roll my eyes at her actions but wouldn’t let it be as much of a deal as you seem to have. Not worth your energy causing such a mountain out of a molehill.

Who on earth kits out a nursery for a baby that is only 12 weeks gestation? She is obviously expecting to have the baby for sleepovers from a really young age. If she's already talking about paying for private school, she's obviously pretty wealthy and quite happy to use her wealth to try and control you and your DH to get her own way.

I envisage that she will be a complete nightmare when the baby arrives and will have an opinion on every aspect of how you feed and care for your child. You are going to need really strong boundaries as she will be overstepping from day 1.

I’m now invested and want to know this too ha.

Exactly this 👆. This is the second time OP's MIL hasn't got her way and now she's sulking - hardly the behaviour of a "generous" supportive parent.

My grandchildren sleep in my house and go in my car? What a stupid comment. Their parents are grateful for our involvement in their children's lives.

YANBU

You’re not letting her pay for private school, are you?

You’d hand over so much power and control!

As you can see from OP's user name, she probably hasn't had a straightforward journey to motherhood so is probably more excited about getting things ready for the baby than other people might be. There's no need to be so rude and snarky.

I’m with you op. She sounds interfering. I would
not like it. Your dh sounds like he’s on the ball with sorting it out though, a luxury I’ve never had. My advice is nip this interfering in the bud right now.
my view is, she had her time with her babies, and
now its yours. It is not her right to interfere and take over just because it’s her grandchild. It is your right to do things as you want as it’s your child.
ill probably get hate. But my mother in laws have gone great lengths to show me how I will not behave as a mother in law quite frankly.

OP's not being ridiculous and you've spectacularly missed the point, as have others. This isn't simply about the car seat. It's about OP's MIL making decisions for her baby, completely riding rough-shod over OP's and her DH's own choices. It's about control. If MIL really wants to be generous, she can offer to pay for OP's and her DH's choice of car seat.

Take the private school offer! Does she know the cost? Better than her paying IHT. Can she do it for all grandchildren? Or just the first. Eton is expensive.

Honestly I’ve not missed the point at all. She’s not trying to control anything - she’s excited about having a grandchild and wants to help out at what is normally a very financially challenging time for parents. I don’t get where this idea has come from that new parents should be given money rather than gifts, it’s not even as if she’s got them something totally unsuitable, it’s actually a very practical present. If anything, it sounds like OP is the one trying to control absolutely everything.

I totally agree. And if I were OP I would be sending my child to state school and not letting MIL pay for private education because every time she doesn't get her way over something there would always be the threat that she would withdraw that funding. No way would I give her that level of control.

Seconded.

I’ve just had my second baby and spent £200 on a car seat, i’d love it if my mil bought me that 😅 however I see where you’re coming from but you and DH were a tad ungrateful. I’m not surprised she’s ignoring you both now.

I'm surprised by the reaction here. Be grateful? No, I don't understand why in-laws or even my parents would buy me a car seat, buggy, or similar items. Baby clothes, shoes, and toys are fine because those are things I'll need multiples of. However, a car seat or buggy is different. I only need one and I want to choose what I use and what I like. No thanks, regardless of how top of the range it is.

And my behaviour surrounding this as a mother in law would have been:

son and dil, I’d really like to contribute to some things for you for the baby to help out. I know car seats are expensive so when you’ve made a decision let me know how much it is and I’ll transfer you the amount over/here is £100/£200 etc to help towards the cost of a car seat, or whatever you want to put it towards.

in no way does the mother in law need to go to a shop, look at the car seats, choose and pay for one without even consulting the parents. This thread is so bloody embarrassing that people can’t see this behaviour for what it is.

op seriously, you need to squash this asap.

firstly, not all can and do. It’s certainly not the norm in my friendship group. The ones that did had the car seat from the parents and they didn’t have fully kitted out nurseries for them.

And none of my children have ever been driven by my mother in law…her having a car seat on her car would have been a complete waste of money 😂😂😂
as would her kitting out a nursery, my children don’t sleep out until they can ask to sleep out. By which time they don’t need Moses/cot etc! And, none of them have ever asked to sleep at her house. This is all just absolutely ridiculous behaviour. 🙈🤯 buying and setting up a nursery when the baby doesn’t live there 🙄

You've just proved again that you have missed the point. Go back and read OP's opening post again. This woman's son (OP's DH) knows exactly what his DM is like and because he, politely, declined the car seat she's now sulking. This is absolutely about control and MIL getting her way.