Mum said I've "stolen her future" because I live an hour and a half away from her. I'm scared to tell her I am pregnant.

[JessieJackets]

Me and my husband live up the coast from our mums. His mum is super nice and supportive. My mum says I have broken her heart and "stolen her future" because she now will not have her dream of idealistic grandparenthood of being involved with them daily. I love where I live because the peace I have helps me heal. She says "I hope your precious house is worth all the heartbreak you've caused me." etc.

Right now, I drive to see her every single friday, but she's always saying it's not enough and she's so sad... It's a big commitment, and I feel like I am burning out. Despite this she shows no gratitude for the effort, and makes me feel like a terrible daughter constantly.

Neither of our mothers know we are expecting yet (early days, only 5 weeks) and I am scared to tell mine because she will make it about how far I am from her and I should move back, and was selfish for buying a house we didn't need, etc etc.

Can I please have some advice? Particularly anyone in a similar scenario raising a child away from grandparents, particularly difficult ones? Thank you

She says "I hope your precious house is worth all the heartbreak you've caused me." etc.

Your mother is emotionally abusing you.

FFS. My whole family lives in different countries, we get together when we can, it's not a problem.

Thank you. Yes, you're right it's the false guilt that I struggle with the most, and differentiating that from actual guilt I SHOULD feel. And finding the inner strength to say no to her.

I've started reading a book called Let Them, I think it may really help in this situation. I think it'd be great to own your decision to live where you want to, and say, we love it there. We visit every Friday, can you meet at X or come to ours etc.
You don't have to visit weekly if you don't want to, and you certainly don't need to feel guilty for your own decisions, it sounds bloody beautiful! ☺️

I’d be thanking my lucky stars that I live away from her. She sounds a nightmare: self-absorbed and selfish.

The fact that she insists she 'hates' the area where you live and so won't entertain the idea of her relocating to be nearer to you as she so desperately and constantly indicates is the thing she want more than anything else just brings up so many 'unknowns' in my mind!! 🤔
Can she be so screwed up over the fact that you dared to move away from her in the first place that the only way you can get 'forgiveness' is to move back nearer to her tells me there is more than a little narcissism going on and NO WAY are you being a bad selfish daughter! 😥
it's sadly and completely her problem, not yours and you need to start thinking more about your new life as a parent and learn from her upsetting and selfish behaviour how not to be a mother!! 🙄

There’s a fantastic book on setting boundaries without the terrible guilt by McCloud and Townsend.
it was a lifesaver for me.

You moved to an area that you like AND that you can afford. In England, this is very common. We live in London and it is impossible for our adult children to live in our immediate area, so two live about 1.5 hours away.

Would your mother have preferred you to stay near her but in a tiny flat? That’s not love from her! Does your mother drive or does she use public transport?

Perhaps your mother needs counselling or to see a psychiatrist. Is she depressed?

Hope it all resolves but please don’t put your life in hold for her or let her make you feel guilty. 🌷

Please don’t let her emotional blackmail spoil your life any longer. Talk to her infrequently and if she starts blackmailing you tell her that you are not dealing with her histrionics any longer. She should be happy for you.
i moved away from my mother as soon as I could,my sister married (badly), my brother joined the army. We kept in touch but when she started just went silent and then talked about something else. Life was still difficult with her but we wouldn’t give in to emotional demands.
i wish you strength

Have a read up on BPD mothers realtionships with their daughters.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4114999/#:~:text=Evidence%20suggests%20that%20relational%20patterns,the%20adolescent's%20increasing%20autonomy%20with

Yes she actually would prefer that! She told me the house is "more than we need". Which is true i probably COULD live in 2 bedrooms. But I wanted space and I got space. When I said that to her she said she would have let us live in HER house if we asked and she would have moved into a flat nearby.

She does drive and she can use trains, she is punishing us for moving by refusing to. And yes, she's been depressed my whole life. I do empathise with her, she's pretty miserable all the time. I'm not sure her psychiatrist has helped much but I guess that makes two of us.

If you have been in therapy for 15 years on this issue of a toxic narcissistic mother, and still questioning your self-worth and feeling guilt as a result of her entitled guilt-tripping BS, then I would say, sincerely and with genuine kindness, you need a new therapist.

When I had just given birth my mum screamed at me on the phone that she was angry that I couldn’t put her on video call (wifi issues). She lived too far away to be there. It was one of the most astounding, shocking, painful, beautiful moments of my life and she wanted to make it about her and what she needed. I desperately needed a mum in that moment and she turned it around to make it about what she needed. I wasn’t angry at her, what would be the point? But the penny dropped. I finally realised that she was always going to make me responsible for her happiness/unhappiness and nothing I did would ever change that. It took a bit longer but I’ve since built up some healthier boundaries between us and looked to other women as ‘mother figures’ for inspiration and advice. She will always be my mum and I do what I can for her but it’s on my terms and I’m much more aware of when she is trying to deflate me and my happiness so she feels better about her own sorry state. I’m watchful of my relationship with my own daughter and hope I don’t repeat the same dynamic. It’s not easy though. Our mothers exert a powerful influence over us and you will need to be weary of this. Your therapist should be exploring this with you. If they aren’t, ditch them.

She is very selfishly making everything about herself and sounds a lot like my Mum. Once my sister and I worked out that she was a covert narcissist, all her weird behaviour suddenly made sense and I was able to develop ways of “managing” her so that we could have a relationship. That or going no contact is the only way to deal with somebody like that because they are never going to change - everything will always be about her and her feelings, and she doesn’t have the self-awareness to ever see she is in the wrong.